my son tried to run away

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My son, almost 9, tried to run away this evening because I've told him he can't use the computer unless he did his schoolwork. So he put on his coat and shoes and walked out of the house. I had to run down the street barefoot to drag him back in. It is night and 30 F out. He can't zip his jacket and has never crossed a street on his own (he still walks into traffic and wanders off in stores). Then he started hitting me once we were in the house and my left arm is bruised and stinging.

Do you think it was/is unfair of me to not let him use the computer? B/c he is aspie this is his one real way to communicate and connect. I know with a "regular" kid it might be okay but he's not that. I wonder if taking the computer away is going too far. What do you think?

I have all the doors locked from inside now with the keys around my wrist. He's not hitting me now, and did apologize.

I don't think you were unfair at all. I have a son like that (though he's probably borderline aspie, not full blown). He gets very frustrated with his schoolwork and screams at me. My point of view is that if he doesn't learn personal responsibility and consequences now, it will only be harder for him later in life when he has to learn it in the real world.

It's not unfair or unreasonable of you, en. Just gotta continue at it until he recognizes the new routine. He'll settle eventually.

That is my concern. If I don't get this through to him somehow that there are certain things that have to be done (and his mind is his best asset) it will only get harder for him to learn once he's older. Thanks for your input. I'm worried about having so many doors locked from the inside; that's a fire hazard.

You did the right thing.

Try talking to your local fire department. Explain to them the issue with your son and they will almost certainly have some one who will be able to come round and discuss how to make your home safer. The might also be able to go though with your son what to do if there is a fire.

My Grandmother who was paralysed from chest down had issues of getting out of her house with out help. The fire brigade came round suggested safe refuges to await rescue, advised on a heat detecting fire alarm that automatically calls the fire brigade. And added her to a data base that informs the fire crews attending that she is paralysed and also tell them where she has been advised to wait for them in the house (the idea is that they find her quicker).

it's so hard when they have tantrums........best to get it through his head now about your rules
( ie; when i say i'm going to do something, i do it ).......great idea about having the fire dept come out, i never would have thought of that!

I am a firm believer that, while we have to make some concessions for our AS kids, it is ultimately our responsibility to also teach them what the world will expect out of them. Well, that's true of raising any child, but with a child with AS, it's even more important b/c these are things NT's would learn on their own or would come naturally to them while it wouldn't to an Aspie. We all know how harsh the world can be - I'd rather it be me, his mom who loves and understands him, teaching my son those lessons, rather than a harsh, uncaring world. It's hard to know how far to push an Aspie, how much you can expect out of them, but it sounds to me like you did what it took to protect your child's safety. And who can blame a mom for that?

I agree with Danlo. We have done the same thing with our son regarding homework/chores/computer time. We recognize that the computer helps him download, but there is so much more to life that the computer cannot offer. It was a little hard for J to adjust at first, but once he figured out we were serious he got used to the rules and no longer has the tantrums (most of the time!).

I would be worried about having to lock the doors also. I once house sat for someone who had keyed-on-both-sides doors and got locked in the house because I lost the key. But if you have a runner you have to do something. I guess for me the worry of my child running off would outweigh my concern over fire.
I know there are a wide variety of keyless locks that might also be an option. One that comes to mind is one of the various eletronic types. They usually use an electromagnet to hold the door closed and can be unlocked by pushbutton, keypad, even a card reader. They can also be wired to work with a fire alarm system so they will be automatically unlocked in case of fire.

Do you think he would actually run away?

I remember telling my mother that I was going to run away, and she called my bluff and told me to go ahead but that I couldn't take anything with me because it all belonged to her since she paid for it. I never said I would run away again.

My son has said the very thing to me, and I have called his bluff as well. So far, he has never made that comment again. It's funny how life repeats itself.

Why can't he do his homework on the computer?

I assume he is like a boy in my daughters special needs Sunday school class. He runs when upset or overstimmed like my daughter spins or someone else rocks. He just takes off with no plan or purpose.

Yes, locking him in could pose a fire hazard. (I am a fire fighter and have taught fire safety for the state) Well its not exactly a FIRE hazard, its a life safety issue in the event of a fire. You can get door alarms that will alert you to anyone opening the door (fairly cheap, 4 for 10.00 by first alert) These can be installed to alarm or chime when the door is opened. if it is installed on the outside of the bedroom door, it can not be disabled from inside and thus when the occupant opens the door, it sounds.

locking the child in a room that has no other means of egress is dangerous on many levels. In the event of a fire, any delay in escape is almost always fatal. That goes for the locked in occupant as well as anyone that attempts to reenter the structure in order save another family member. Those that reenter are usually found by fire fighters just a couple meters from the reentry point. This is the reason why we tell people to NEVER EVER reenter a structure and not to stop to get anything. Let the folks like me do that as we have the equiptment and training to do so, albiet not with out risk either.

I also do not advocate nailing the windows shut. This is a major problem in many communities (as is some times advised by ignorant insurance people). Nailing windows shut again slows the time it takes to escape or enter for rescue. I have been on a call where we had to make entry though a nailed shut window on the 2nd floor, it was a very time consuming getting in.

Magnet doors that require card access or are attached to the fire alarm are very very expensive.
I would spend the money that the extra locks cost on a therapist and counciling for him, Locking him in isnt solving anything, its only letting him stew over what ever is angering him. I definately would not ever ever lock the door to "prevent exit". In a real emergency things happen so fast that there is a good chance you wont have the chance to let him out in time, or you'll loose your life in the process. If your local FD doesnt concor with what I have told you about the safety issues, I would be shocked.

If there were home computers when I was 9 this probably would have happened. Ouch.

Glad he apologised. I was like that with the hitting - I knew it was wrong but my self-control was stunted by the AS. Then again I got hit for minor infractions, and in the face, so I hit back.

Threatening or trying to run away isn't something only AS kids do!

As for your situation, it's great that you're so understanding that we who have AS often need the computer, perhaps more than neurotypicals ('regular' kids).

But of course you're right - as others have written here, he has to do his schoolwork first. An important life lesson for kids, AS and normal, is that sometimes we have to do things we don't like.

I'd say do what expert on AS Tony Attwood says to do about a special interest interfering with the rest of the AS person's life. Taking it away entirely would be cruel. Ration access to it and take it away temporarily as punishment.

Like this thread says, eventually he'll settle into the new routine.

Good luck! And hang in there.