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Brusilov
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25 Apr 2009, 12:13 am

As a man with AS, I consider myself to be a "Noble Gas." I have a general inability to bond with others, both male and female. Even though my brain refuses to let me talk to and get close to other people, my body begs to differ and screams violenty for physical and social contact. I haven't so much as been on a date with a girl since 2006, and I can tell that I am just "wound up" from years of frustration and futility on the socialization front. In 2007, I told my therapist that the reason I was unable to turn any corners in my reacclimation to socialization was because my basic needs for intimacy were not being met, as according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. My AS was preventing me from acquiring friendships or sexual intimacy, and thus, I am unable to move up towards achieving any self-esteem or self actualization. Basically, I am enormously frustrated and angry because I can't find any women to date. My homeostasis is off and my whole physical system is turning into a giant unsatisfied nervous wreck.

Over the last year, I have grown more and more irritable, and my parents are starting to feel my pain as I lash out over insignificant things. Not only am I having no success with talking to girls, but I'm very rarely even meeting them any more, even when I go to a "hotspot" such as a gym. I fear I am going to be the next 40-year-old-virgin. Wilhelm Reich said that "Orgasic Potency" was the primary factor in having sound mental health, and I agree wholeheartedly with that statement. My own sexual frustration is the main cause of my huge personal dissatisfaction with my life. Why was I cursed to be perpetually single and alone? Was it something I did to offend God as a boy that he said I would never know the touch of a woman? What I wouldn't give to just be "normal" and be able to have a functioning romatic relationship. I would be happy with just a fighting chance to ever have any real possibility of actually being with a woman.

People who are able to satisfy that desire to find a romantic partner most likely do not realize how lucky that they are. I was cursed to be one of the downtrodden "untouchable" individuals in our society who experience nothing but rejection and denial at every turn, leading to the development of a negative attitude towards society. If I had ever been able to find some happiness or acceptance at some point in my life, perhaps I would not feel so bitter all the time. Happy people implore me to "look up." But I have never known what it is like to be content or to have self-esteem, so they are asking me to realize a positive ideal that I have no concept of. As Maslow said, one can not build any self-esteem until he has realized his need for friendships and sexual intimacy. My teachers always wrote down on my report cards, "That I had no self-esteem." All I ever see around me are people being happy and finding success in life. All I ever see around me are happy people in relationships, people who are dating and having their needs for intimacy satisfied. I am not having those needs met and thus I am very displeased and unhappy with myself.

Despite the many criticisms and controversies over the work of Wilhelm Reich, I feel that what he said was extremly profound regarding our needs to have "Orgastic Potency" if we are to have sound mental health. I am very sad at this moment as I am about to turn 24 and I have wasted my "fecund years"(14 to 24) in solitude without any romantic adventures whatsoever. I have been told that those years were supposed to be the best years of my life. For me, these adolescent years have been miserable due to my unfulfilled desires. What makes it worse is I see my peers getting thier desires mostly fulfilled.

It is not like I have nothing to offer women. I am in school and I consider myself to be reasonably attractive. The problem with me is that when I start talking, I just come off as "odd" as soon as I open my mouth. Actually, I come off as "odd" even when women first see me, just because I walk and move "funny" and I typically have a weird, frowny look on my face. With me, I have no ability to make a good first impression, even if I dress well or say all of the right things. I dance the steps but I have no rhythm. It is just inherent in me that I cut a poor, inept figure. Women can sense my differences and automatically decide that they will have nothing to do with me. They know that I am an outcast and they won't give me a chance. Things that girls do want, such as money or guys who will treat them like crap, are qualities that I don't have. I don't exude the traits that prompt that gut feeling of attraction towards me in women. No matter where I go, I automatically get downgraded into the Beta class, just because of who I am innately.

Because the onus is on me, the male, to initiate and carry out the steps of the dating ritual, it is impossible for an AS man like me to successfully convince a woman to have anything to do with me. I am so ridiculously awkward when it comes to "flirting;" I don't even know where to begin. Over the last four years I have also developed a huge inferiority complex and nervousness when it comes to talking to girls. It is like I just can't do it. No one can help me. I know all about what girls want but I can't give it to them. I was never meant to date because I am not viable as a romatic partner.

Day after day, I feel my rage growing as I continue to live unsatisfactorially with out any release for my natural impulses. I ask myself with growing anger, "Why am I condemned to live such a miserable unfulfilled existance?" Yes, this is America, with bounties of food and our basic needs are provided for. I can not complain of hunger and homelessness. But our society has created such a complicated ritual one must perform if one wants to find a romantic partner, and it is a ritual that a socially-challenged man with AS like myself can not carry out. Thus, I am destined to spend life alone. It is like being in a prison, except instead of being on the inside looking out, I am on the outside looking in. I feel like a hungry homeless child who has his face pressed up against the glass pane of the bakery window, salivating while looking at all of the cakes but being without the money to buy even a doughnut to eat. I am sitting on the curb, looking inside the window at all of my happy peers dancing merrily with their dates. I know deep down, that that will never be me. I go without.

AS has me in a merciless prison of solitude. I can not satisfy my basic desires for intimacy, so I pound my fist against the concrete walls of my basement and demand release. My sister is four years younger with me and has been dating since she was 16. It feels so embarassing when my little sister is already dating and I am still alone. What am I ever going to do? I must find some satisfaction, and I have to break this cruel cycle of disappointment, despair, and rejection. I fear for the future. I never understood until recently why my teachers reported me as having no self-esteem, but I understand now how I always appear to be miserable. So screw my teachers who found happiness and success in life and in the profession of education. Let them have their self-esteem. If it is my destiny to be unhappy, than so be it. All I want is an attractive and intelligent woman to spend my life with but I can't make any progress whatsoever towards that goal, and I am beginning to fear that it will never happen for me.



Woodpecker
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25 Apr 2009, 12:42 am

Try to stay calm, do not try too hard. Trying too hard is something which women will spot 100 yards away and it will make them run.

My advice is to take up some fun activity which young ladies are likely to also do. Something like ballroom latin or archery. Also look after yourself, keep yourself clean and shave each day, try not to bore them stupid with your special interests when you talk to them.

Also when you talk to random ladies, do not try to chat them up. There is no such thing as a chat up line which will make a woman suddenly interested in you. Talk to them about anything, the weather or the price of ice cream is better than "chatting them up".

BTW Wilhelm Reich was a sex mad quack.


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ZakFiend
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25 Apr 2009, 12:48 am

Quote:
"AS has me in a merciless prison of solitude. "


No you, your anxiety and nervousness, and your self absorbed attitude and your lack of effort have imprisoned you. The same thing happened to me in highschool - I was wuss plain and simple. So I did something about it. It's not that hard to get laid. Most guys with AS who complain about getting laid put near zero effort into it, or won't even bother with the ENORMOUS internet resources now out there. I got tired of helping those kinds of people they weren't interested in solving their problems they were interested in the impossible: Staying a nervous anxious wreck who wants most of the time in solitude and hardly and social time. You're alone because you PREFER it that way, you're living in denial.

Your years were wasted by yourself, don't blame AS for it. I really hate people who blame their 'condition' and use it as an excuse not to improve themselves, if no one told you, you 'had AS' you'd STILL have only yourself to blame. Other people with AS find girlfriends and get married, your problem is that you're not willing to reflect on your own cowardess and enormous attitude problems.



makuranososhi
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25 Apr 2009, 1:16 am

While I do not agree with the previous post (Zak), I do have to say you are in a victim state. Everything is done to you, against you, to spite you... when reality is closer to that life happens and it doesn't care about anyone person much if at all. You can dwell on past rejection, or find a new possibility of doing something different. You see yourself as untouchable, and others see you that way... it really is up to you.


M.


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sunshower
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25 Apr 2009, 1:23 am

Work on friendships first, then relationships after that. Sexual intercourse won't cure the lonely void - friendship is what fills this void.


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Greentea
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25 Apr 2009, 1:56 am

Go to places where "weird" (autistic?) girls hang. You'll get laid in no time.

:shrug:


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Brusilov
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25 Apr 2009, 2:11 am

So where do AS girls hang out?

I would love to know.



ZakFiend
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25 Apr 2009, 2:24 am

makuranososhi wrote:
While I do not agree with the previous post (Zak), I do have to say you are in a victim state. Everything is done to you, against you, to spite you... when reality is closer to that life happens and it doesn't care about anyone person much if at all. You can dwell on past rejection, or find a new possibility of doing something different. You see yourself as untouchable, and others see you that way... it really is up to you.


M.


I understand you disagree with my attitude but what I said is right - he's holding a pity party for himself and using AS as an excuse as to why his life sucks. I've seen this more times then I can count, lets face it - he didn't put any effort forward. He was trying to validiate himself and get his self esteem from others, i.e. he has no self respect or even cares about himself, why would anyone want to be around a guy like that? He needs to see a therapist IMHO. Also pick up "the game" by neil strauss.



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25 Apr 2009, 2:36 am

Brusilov wrote:
So where do AS girls hang out?

I would love to know.


Excellent, excellent topic for a new thread in the Friendship forum, which might benefit not only you but others too.

But I wouldn't narrow it down so much. AS people are few and far between relative to the rest of the population. General "weird" / "autistic" / "shy", whatever can improve your chances.

They say lonely women make wonderful lovers.


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Danielismyname
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25 Apr 2009, 2:50 am

Something funny I read the other day:

It's actually more likely for males with AS to form relationships, especially those who're relatively mild (this is including HFA into it), and work well in their respective field (yes, the world is a superficial place). It's still rare, however.

For females, it's very rare for them to do such.

I was thinking that it'd be the opposite, as the NT male who looks after the wife who's a little different, seems to just hit the stereotype dead on. I guess "normal" men like normal social interaction too.

Lorna Wing wrote this.



desmonami
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25 Apr 2009, 3:20 am

How about trying to find yourself some good friends first?

I dont get Aspie men, who seem to think once they find themselves in a relationship their lives will suddenly become "satisfactory"



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25 Apr 2009, 3:26 am

ZakFiend wrote:
makuranososhi wrote:
While I do not agree with the previous post (Zak), I do have to say you are in a victim state. Everything is done to you, against you, to spite you... when reality is closer to that life happens and it doesn't care about anyone person much if at all. You can dwell on past rejection, or find a new possibility of doing something different. You see yourself as untouchable, and others see you that way... it really is up to you.


M.


I understand you disagree with my attitude but what I said is right - he's holding a pity party for himself and using AS as an excuse as to why his life sucks. I've seen this more times then I can count, lets face it - he didn't put any effort forward. He was trying to validiate himself and get his self esteem from others, i.e. he has no self respect or even cares about himself, why would anyone want to be around a guy like that? He needs to see a therapist IMHO. Also pick up "the game" by neil strauss.


Brusilov wrote very well and expressed himself eloquently. Just to remind; your critique is unwarranted and personally directed. Of course, you may offer your opinion and thoughts, but your words are presumptous.


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Shelby
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25 Apr 2009, 3:29 am

I know how you feel and I'm a girl! You are right, society makes it very hard to find a relationship, especially if you lack social skills. But the others are also right, if you have such a negative mentality that will also push girls away. There are girls who would like you, don't forget us Aspie girls exist too and probably have the same problems as you! I bet a nice Aspie girl is just waiting for you!



Danielismyname
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25 Apr 2009, 3:34 am

desmonami wrote:
I dont get Aspie men, who seem to think once they find themselves in a relationship their lives will suddenly become "satisfactory"


You know how people go, always wanting what they can't have, and thinking that once they get what they can't have everything will be all fine and dandy.



Brusilov
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25 Apr 2009, 3:54 am

Its fine....... I respect and agree with the opinion that (we) should step up to the plate and try and conquer our problems instead of gripe about them. Contrary to what you think, I do put alot of effort into trying to meet girls, but the thing is I have no idea what I am doing so it feels like I keep smashing my head against a brick wall. I don't have the "key" to unlock the door. My problem is that I put alot of effort into trying to date but I put no effort into other areas of socializing, like trying to make guy friends. I don't care about making guy friends at all, but you have to be socially well rounded to be able to attract girls, but I don't really want to invest all the time it takes to have a balanced social life. You are right when you say that I prefer to be alone. I prefer to be alone 98% of the time, but that 2% of the time, I want to meet girls but I suck at it. I have no real impetus to change and thus I will spend my life as a spectator. I will check out your book and links.

I've tried the internet dating thing, and I've been on 4 sites but the girls never reply back. I don't think any of them are really interested in dating; they just make fake profiles and then see what poor guys try and message them. I've been to many websites for dating advice but all they really tell you is what to do when you are already in a relationship, not how to get into one.

I do blame AS as the source of my problems, but I don't blame AS for my inability to fix my problems. I only blame myself for my lack of real impetus to pull myself up from my social rut. I wasn't trying to have a "pity party." I don't care if I receive replies or not; It is just theraputic for me to see my thought posted, and people can respond if they please or not. I just wanted to rant on what was going through my head and my unsatisfactory dating life. I'm not one to get into ridiculous flame wars over moot debates.

Not all of us with AS are the same. Some of us have livelier personalities and are just better at flirting and dating. Myself, I have an extremely monotonous and depressing personality and thus turn off girls by my moroseness. Others with AS who are more vibrant could trip and fall into a relationship. That will never be me. I have to work at it. Being criticized for my sometimes sulkish attitude is nothing new to me: in school, my classmates and teachers called me "Little Grandpa." I was always being criticized by my peers and those around me for not acting "colorfully, enthusiastically and vibrantly" like an adolescent is supposed to act. I don't have that youthful zest that a man my age should have.

I will look at your reccommended resources. THNX



julie_b
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25 Apr 2009, 4:34 am

Can't do much to help but sending you {{{ cyber hugs }}}}.

Hang in there. My Husband has ADHD and I was his first GF. He was 32 but says I was worth waiting for. He needed an Aspie to understand and accept him and I needed him to give me the same thing. We are an odd couple but happy. Never give up and try to stop being so angry about it. You may be subconciously projecting that anger at people and scaring them off by accident.