Reciprocity and Genuine Friendship

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I serve as an older friend/mentor to an amazing and incredibly sweet girl with AS who is high school.

She just celebrated her 18th birthday and thought it would be a good idea to invite a bunch of people she knew from school over and have a party.

I attended this party. While the friends she invited were sweet and fun, I got the impression that they only came because they felt sorry for her and did not actually like her as person.

She has very definite interests (singing, Hannah Montana, pop music) and is very, very innocent for her age. She led games that revolved around her likes and interests (for instance, she wanted everyone to watch her play her guitar for an hour, played "put the butterfly in Hannah's hair" etc.).

Throughout the party, the people she invited (in typical high school fashion) cliqued up and talked amongst themselves. They did their own thing and were reluctant to participate in her activities. I was the only one who really did, as well as the only one who really had a conversation with her. Her mom has told me that out of all of these people, I am likely her closest friend because I not only 'get' her and don't interpret her as 'strange' or 'weird', I also think she is talented, quirky and fun to be around.

I'm thinking that her main obstacle right now is establishing genuine friendships, and helping her realize that just because people come to your birthday party doesn't mean that you're necessarily close with someone. I've noticed that she has big problems with reciprocity (the give/take in conversations) in that she'll only tune in when it's about her interests. Even a slight change of topic will make her zone out.

I have no ideas or suggestions as to how I could teach these things to her. I don't want to be blunt or rude by saying "look at how they react to you if you only do this", but rather teach it slowly in terms of examples. I just don't know how though because my social situation at that age was so different.

During high school, all of my friends had 'special needs' of some sort, mostly developmental delays. I didn't start interacting at all with 'neurotypicals' until twelfth grade...I found that I couldn't trust them or relate to them at all until I started being able to take their perspectives on things, or at least pretending to. She is in the opposite situation though...she has NT people around her but has no idea how to genuinely interact with them.

My mom and I were talking about how I only wanted genuine two-way friendship at this age. I could sense when people were interacting with me because they pitied me, and I shooed those people away because they were being fake, and kept the people who thought I was smart, neat and interesting. The girl I work with doesn't know the difference though, and will interpret this 'pity' kind of behaviour as friendship.

Any tips, suggestions or strategies? Anything is appreciated.

Genuine friendships at least for me are non existant and likely very rare for many AS people....one of the things we aspie's f**k up on is overthinking.....just go with it.....i know that's going to be hard but that's all i can say

Does she want friends? Is she happy at the moment or upset about her social situation?

<sigh> Oh to be of an age again where a 2-3 year age difference makes me an "older" friend

You're on the right track. Also you're doing a good thing here. Help how you can and from your heart (like you are) and let her take what she can from it. She sounds like an intelligent young lady.

How can I be a part of something like that? I'm 22 studying to be a psychiatrist, I want to interact w/children who have interpretive differences because I was a lot like that (if fact I still learn more and more about myself). When I was a teenager I really thought the world revolved around me, then over the past couple of years I thought I had more control than I really do (the control I have now is less than I used to think I had, but now I have an actual sense of begining to control my life).
Despite I have no diagnosis (yet) for what it is I have, I have read about asperger's and I seemed to identify w/the definitions of the symptons all too well, but that is not up to me to determine officially, for the time being.

Here's the observable difference between genuine friends and "mercy friends." Mercy friends will hang out with you if you ask them. Genuine friends will do that and take the initiative to invite you to social events as well. I suggest that you find a way to lead her to realize this difference and work from there. I should warn you that when I made this discovery, I was quite angered at my false friends, and said some things that I later regretted. Beware of this and try to help this girl get through this without burning that many bridges.

Friends seem to be the one of the things she wants most. She likes having people there to support her but has a feeling that "something is missing." She has often expressed feelings of being left out and feeling like she doesn't belong.

She also wants a boyfriend, and has had some unsuccessful flings where the guy thinks she's cute (and she is very attractive!) but they then view her as strange and egocentric as she rarely practices active listening and just goes on about her interests. She is then left broken hearted (so to speak) and has no idea what went wrong.

I would definitely agree with your definition of real friends vs. pity friends. The girl I work with hasn't really moved into real friend territory yet...she invites people to events but they don't do the same with her. As well, I don't want her to get angry and depressed once she realizes that these people aren't full fledged friends...I do need to consider taking that into account.

So my inability to initiate social contact makes me a fake friend?
I see...

I wouldn't discount "pity friends" entirely. The fact that they accept her invitations at all may mean they are potential real friends. Rather, I would consider them "superficial" friendships, some of which could get deeper. To explore that possibility, I'd suggest taking them in smaller groups -- 1 or 2 or 3 at a time -- and practicing the social skills that way, where there's more direct interaction. With girls it's very acceptable to say out loud the things one is insecure about, in small groups ... not reverse bragging or attention-seeking ... it's more like "you have so many friends (or such good friends) (said admiringly, wistfully) -- I wish I could make friends more easily, but I'm such a quirky ninny, I feel like I just don't get the social cues other people pick up on". Self-deprecating, not to the point of maudlin. This can very well lead to the potential friend taking an interest ... she already knows you're "quirky" but she might not have realized you appreciate your difference and would like to emulate something about her.

42 years trying to figure out how to be friends with girls/women, finally I've gotten pretty comfortable with them.

This is a great idea. She has 3-4 friends who are I think are making an honest effort to connect with her and I think maybe setting up "social dates" - like going to the movies or the mall - with these girls would be a good idea. I could come along as a moderator of sorts and use the informal social setting to introduce the skills when possible.

anneurysm

I second setting up "social dates" would be beneficial to her as well. The simple fact that you are trying to guide her through the trickiness of friendship (which is something that can be difficult) is a great thing. Let us know what happens

hmmmm, where's the "thumbs up" smiley??

I agree with the "social dates" idea.

I think a good way to help her would be to advise her to ask other people questions about themselves, and try learning about other people and their interests. Tell her it will help her to get to know people better and develop a closer bond.

Explain to her that asking other people about themselves, and learning about other peoples interests, and keeping tabs on what's going on in other peoples lives, will help her to understand other people better, and form a better connection. Make it like an academic subject - where you research and increase your knowledge.

My mum used to do this for me, and it helped massively, where she'd instruct me each day to ask other girls what they did on the holidays, or the weekends, and got me to find out what important events where going on in their lives (for example, a major sport competition), when it was, and then got me to inquire as to how it went, and congratulate that person on their efforts.

In a nutshell; friendship is about reciprocation, and it's a two way sharing of affection, knowledge, and interests. If you show interest in other people, other people will show interest in you. There is nothing people like more than talking about themselves, ask that person questions about themself, and listen to what they have to say.

About the party scenario, the main problem was as you said; she arranged the party around things she found interesting, and didn't consider what things other people would enjoy, and whether others would be interested in the same things.

My advice is to follow the advice already posted - getting her to arrange small group outings, then on these outings encourage her to first make them outings that will interest other people - such as shopping, or going to a movie, and then on these outings get her to ask the other people questions about themselves (as I described), and to listen to what they say and learn about what sort of people they are; their personal interests, likes, and dislikes.

Pity friends, exist more with girls than guys. I won't tolerate these kind of people at all, if I see them I just think they are hypocrites.

Nuff said.

Friendship is a spectrum, like so many other things. Every relationship in unique. If you make an all-or-nothing demand on everyone, you're going to end up with no one.

I need a name. Can I call the younger friend, "Bonnie?"

I don't think "pity friends" is the right way to look at it. Anneurysm herself is kind of in that category with Bonnie. It's a nurturing thing, and it's not bad. She's just not an equal or a peer. The kind of relationship Bonnie has with those other girls is in a lot of the literature about Aspie girls, and discussed as though it's a good thing.