Catching up on Missed-out Fun During the Young Years

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I recently turned 30, and like a lot of men, I'm going though a mid-life crisis. Over the last two decades, and I think during the last two years especially, I picked up a lot of social skills. I'm now at a point where I can pass for NT and make good first impressions. But it was nothing like that in the past. Guys thought I was a loser, and girls thought I was a creep, within minutes of meeting me. I feel like I'm moving forward very well, and in a few years, I can even learn to date regularly. Shortly before my 30th birthday, I cut a friend out of my life because she kept bringing up stories from my past that I would rather forget. It wasn't an easy decision, but I found myself feeling set back by nearly a decade every time I talked to her.

But it's not without a dark side. In high school, my social skills p!ss-poor, I was butt ugly, and I didn't have a car. I remember a few girls showing interest in me, but as soon as they found out I didn't have a car, their interest vanished that instant. Without a car, I couldn't go to any parties, either, despite getting one or two invitation, even. My family was too poor at the time to buy even an old, beat-up clunker. A local McDonald's was the only fun place within walking distance. Anything else required taking the city buses, which didn't run late. But I did make friends that I still hang out with.

In college, I again couldn't do any partying. One, I lived at home and commuted, because my parents didn't let me get a dorm, and parties were largely reserved for people who lived on campus. Two, I had a curfew until I moved out of my parents' home at age 24. So even though I tried to go to parties and attended a few, my parents kept calling me every hour I was there. I was too embarrassed to date, as a result, knowing all my dates would get interrupted. On top of that, I was still ugly as I was in high school, and my social skills weren't that much better. One obstacle I had to overcome is losing my virginity before graduating college; otherwise I'd hate myself. But I solved that problem by hiring an escort. I continued seeing escorts once in a while for years after that, until my sex drive subsided enough for it to feel not worthwhile.

After I moved out, I had to start from square one, as far as my freedom was concerned. As a result, I engaged in reckless behaviors that most 24-year-olds have long grown out of, although nothing illegal or blatantly dangerous. Things like driving a car and/or going to work after not sleeping for 48 hours. I even ran into a few minor troubles with the police, although nothing that resulted in a criminal record. To this day, I've never seen the inside of a jail cell, which is a good thing. I mellowed out over the years, my socially skills went from "bad" to "passable", and my looks improved somewhat.

Now, at age 30, I'm at a crossroads. I finally learned enough social skills to pass for NT in most circles, and I guess I aged into my looks, because I look downright handsome in some of my recent photos. However, it's not without a dark side. I feel like I truly missed out on those young years where you're supposed to party it up, have a blast with life, and engage in (controlled) reckless behavior. Partially, my parents are to blame: their control-freak, anxiety-ridden behavior prevented me from doing any typical high school or college things. Partially, I simply couldn't do those "typical high school or college things", because I was ugly and socially inept for most of my life.

So now, I find myself fervently trying to make up for lost time. I go to bars frequently, stay up and party until 4:00 AM on weekends at every worthwhile opportunity I find, go to dance clubs, and when I go on vacation, act like a college freshman who just joined a fraternity, if you catch my drift. The two times I've been on a cruise so far, each time, I acted loud and belligerent, hit on a lot of women, yelled at other ships or people onshore from the deck, spend obnoxious amount of money on drinks, and never went to bed one night because I partied in the ship's dance club until sunrise. I basically, I treated those cruises as college campuses for adults. What's ironic is that even though I was doing that at a ripe old age of 30, I got nothing but positive reactions from people. And like I said in the first paragraph, I cut out a friend out from my life, because she constantly brought up dark moments from my past. My other friends, on the other hand, understand that the past is called "the past" for a reason.

So, does anyone else here feel like they got a late start on their "young life" and/or hit the usual milestones years later than NTs? And do you feel like you have a lot of catching up to do or have to make up for lost time? And how to you go about doing that?

Last edited by Aspie1 on 19 May 2013, 1:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I had my adolescence in my late 20's.

I'm 33 and feel the same way. Only I'm not really interested in those NT types of recklessness. I just don't find partying or getting drunk terribly fun even though I tried a few times in graduate school. I found myself bored when I was supposed to be having fun. I have more nerdy reckless interests, like storm chasing. I'm a weather weenie. I'd go out in a boat in a hurricane if I could. At least I'd die happy. I'm addicted to the power of nature.

I got my graduate degree three years ago but mentally collapsed in the process and have now been living back in my home town, unemployed, and mostly doing things with my parents. 90% of my old friends have moved on in life and are now married and living in different states. I still feel like a teenager inside and get highly irritated with my parents. My relationship with them is not good. I still feel I'm treated like their "special" son and they are still protective. I torture them by lashing out when I feel patronized. The point I'm in is feeling stuck but not knowing how to move on and get away and move on without running into another black wall of emptiness and loneliness. I feel like if I move away again I need to get a girlfriend or at least start dating so I don't become totally bored and isolated again. I just have certain phobias about that I have to get over. Mainly fear that if I wind up with someone they will want to do the sex, marriage, and children thing which I'm incapable of.

I have a post-graduate degree in atmospheric science. I always wanted to be a scientist but now decided I don't have the passion anymore and feel it would just be too much. I'd like to settle for a software engineering job but have no idea how to go about the whole career change thing. It kind of pisses me off because I know I excel at programming but just don't know how to sell myself and break into the field. I hate that employers are going to judge me because I'm changing careers. I have the right skills but the wrong credentials, so they just dismiss me. f*****g idiotic capitalism.

Last edited by marshall on 19 May 2013, 1:28 pm, edited 5 times in total.

I think this is exactly how I feel. When I was growing up, my parents stressed high grades and utmost obedience above all else. And given the social anxiety that comes with AS, I had no choice but to give that to them. And I did. I abandoned all my personal ideas and dreams in favor of my parents'. I stayed up late doing homework and studying for tests, to make sure I never get anything lower than a B. The downside is that at age 9, I prayed to god to take away my life, but as long as I got good grades and obeyed my parents, the prayers were just a form of whining. I kept doing that "get good grades and obey completely" thing all the way until I moved out of my parents' home at age 24.

So another component is this: I spent so much time and effort in pleasing my parents, that I had none left for developing myself socially. And since in real life, obedience is taken advantage of rather than rewarded, I had skewed views expectations. Only around 2011 or so did I start questioning the indoctrination I've been receiving, as opposed to simply not following it. And now, I have absolutely no desire to ever get married or have kids. After all, after more than 2 decades of pleasing my parents, why in the world would I voluntarily add another person into my life that I have to expend tremendous amounts of time and effort pleasing, only to get nothing but their approval in return?

I suppose this dark cloud has a silver lining. My degree of freedom and capability have grown exponentially in the last decade. I have zero problems buying alcohol; I almost never get carded now. I have more money for fun things like cruises, where I had acted more outgoing than some NTs. And my age range for dating expanded exponentially: I can now date women as old as 40, while back at age 21, I'd be lucky if a 30-year-old woman went on a date with me; and the cut-off at the low end is still 21, like before. (I won't date women under 21, because I don't want to be their alcohol supplier.)

I guess I'm lucky that my parents are supportive and not overly controlling. They have legitimate fears that I will self destruct out on my own. I can become very depressed and emotionally unstable. If not for my parents looking over my shoulder all the time I would probably end up becoming more reckless.

I begged god for death too...apparently it didn't respond.

See I was selectively mute until I was 17 so I didnt really have a childhood nor teenage yrs. When I went off to college, it was a serious awakening, trying to face everything I wasn't ready for. I had friends for the first time in my life. Funny thing is that the people I hung out with were pretty immature for college freshman as it was, they acted like a bunch of highschoolers but that was too mature for me. I felt like a 10 yr old in college. I was scrambling, desperately trying to make up for lost time and crunch years of development into 4 measely yrs. I am done with college now and will be going off to grad school soon. Within the last couple yrs, I made the realization I didnt have a childhood (or teenhood) so even though it might be selfish of me, I have the entitlement to act like a bratty rebellious teenager at times. I look young for my age, I dress like a teen, I act like a teen, so many people think I am a teen. I finally get to be the highschooler I wanted to be (sorta). I hated highschool, I felt like such an ugly loser. In reality, I am a 24 yr old going to grad school and moving out soon. I feel like, if I dont get this out of my system now, I will never truly grow up inside.

Same here. I had a short adolescence between the ages of 22 and 24 & actually did get in trouble with the law quite a few times (but like you, always escaped having a criminal record). But that was too short. Then, responsibilities, law school, and mental health problems with my BPD and depression caught up. So, at some point, I will probably regress to being a reckless teenager again.

I also look about 10 years younger than my age.

I'm not quite 23 yet (couple more days), and I'm already feeling this. I'm terrified that as they years go by that it will get worse. I never had a normal childhood or adolescence due in combination of my diagnoses and my abusive controlling parents. I never got my got my driver's permit or license. I never had friends to sit with or go to each others houses. I never went out and hung out like teens do.

Once I got to my senior year and realized I was unable to graduate, I broke inside. It was the final nail in the coffin of a normal life. I just kind of died emotionally. Psychologists talk about arrested development, I was already suffering from that due to earlier abuse (and AS, of course), but now I am just frozen, the exact same way I was at 18. Since I don't get out much, when I see children and teens I knew back then I am shocked to see how much they've grown. It's that bad.

Right now, I am watching my much younger brother prepare to graduate and it is surreal, it's supposed to be me. I fear for what will happen to me when I age to the point where the strange mental place I live in collapses.

I am sitting here, while some part of my mind waits for time to roll back so I can finish who I was becoming.

I just turned 30 and I'm basically the complete opposite. I deliberately missed out on those parties because they seemed a perfect waste of time. No regrets at all and I spent that time doing productive things like reading books and enjoying special interests.

From around the age of 16 my peers would spend Friday night and Saturday night partying and getting drunk then spending the whole week talking about what happened on Friday and Saturday night. They continued this through to mid/late twenties. What intelligent human being would find this desirable? The heyday of youth being wasted by the masses imho.

The need for conformity among NTs probably contributes to their sheep-like imitation of these "partying" habits and the accompanied consumption of fermented vegetable drinks. I'll pass.

If you think you "missed out" on this phase, then I guess you will need to scratch that itch, however irrational it is to do so. I think it's far more likely you simply feel depressed and/or discontented with your life and, not knowing how to proceed forwards, are now retreating backwards into conformity because it seems safe.

I know exactly what you mean.

I was never able to get a driver's license, and when I was 15 I got converted into fundamentalist Christianity. It took until I was 27 to see the light and become an agnostic. I wasted my youth on that s**t.

It's not the lack of partying I regret. It's the lack of sexual adventures. I guess I'm a randy pig. I settled down very soon after becoming agnostic, so I guess I missed my chance. It bothers me a lot to this day but I can't let myself get too obsessed. If I stumbled across a genie's lamp, one of my wishes would be to spend a solid month at the Playboy Mansion getting into nightly orgies just to make up for it, and then I'd be good to go for the rest of my days.

Also, one thing you don't want to be is a POTATO: Person Over Thirty Acting Twenty-One. It doesn't mean you have to stay in and be boring, but you do have to play it cool. Cooler than somebody who's ten years younger. You can still have fun and chase women around, but you gotta be more subtle about it.

I'm 35, identify as a girl (not woman) and I have never stopped feeling like a teenager. I should add, the kind of teenager I was, that is; someone who could have a lot of fun doing silly stuff (like water war etc) and I read a lot of YA books but isn't into partying, drinking or sleeping around at all.

I'm not the least sad about being a POTATO. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I did not hit the mid-life crisis thing until my 40s. At least this time, I was on schedule!
I actually did TOO much partying in college when I was living in my dorm. I was trying, for once to fit in, with a small amount of success. But I was also self-medicating because of my loneliness & an unrequited love. It was REALLY difficult having a normal sex drive, but no ability to really connect with someone. In fact, every girl I have ever dated I was introduced to by a friend. Never did ever get a date by myself.
I actually drank more & started hitting "Gentlemen's Clubs" in my late twenties & early 30s.
Now, I just roll with the punches, but I do regret not having gotten married & having a small family.

Sincerely,
Matthew

What's ironic is when when I actually was 21, I was a PTOAOT (puh-toh-AH-oht): Person Twenty-One Acting Over Thirty. I hated clubbing with a passion, because I always got rejected by every girl in the club. I didn't have the socials skills to have casual sex all the time. I much preferred low-key activities popular among the older crowd, like ballroom dancing and dance lessons in general. The only way I got access to casual sex was through escort services, and oh boy, did I love it! This continued until I was 28 or so. By then, I gained enough social skills to be able to do what most 21-year-olds do as second nature. And the ballroom dancing I did at a younger age, much to the disapproval of my peers, now helped me tremendously. See next paragraph why.

Having gained plenty of social skills compared to 10 years ago, I felt comfortable enough taking a cruise solo. I did it twice already. And damn it, did I have fun! I acted very much like a POTATO. I was up every night until 2:00 AM on average, and one night, I didn't go to bed at all. What was really weird is that women who said "um, ew!" in response to seeing me when I was younger, were now hitting on me. I danced with a lot of them, and they all said I was a good dancer. Men who saw me from the sidelines gave me compliments too. The women flirting with me did things like give me group hugs in threes or more, get cuddly with me while talking to me, rub their hair against me, hold my hand, give me disproportionately affectionate hugs, etc. My theory is that these are things post-college women do with strangers they like, in lieu of making out like college women might (who are too young for me now, anyway). This flood of attention made me really long for my young years that I never really had. If I had the social skills and the dance skills at age 21 that I have now, oh man, think of how much fun I'd have. And I'd probably not be venting about on a thread titled "Catching up on Missed-out Fun During the Young Years".

Unlike Matt62, I have no desire to ever have a family, other than the one who raised me. I'm pretty much decided. The only reason I don't want to get my "self" snipped is fear of surgery in a very sensitive area.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 22 May 2013, 10:16 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Well I've never been and never will be interested in partying, drinking, or sleeping around. The former two I tried briefly in graduate school and found boring. Being asexual I'm incapable of the latter. I feel like a teenager in that I need to have fun in order to not fall into depression. Only I have trouble finding things "fun" enough to motivate me to get out of the house in the grown-up NT world. It could just be that I have no social confidence and make excuses to avoid going out. I can't deny this is a major issue for me but it's also irritating when I do try something new I still find it to be some undesirable combination of boring and exhausting. Really the most reckless thing I ever do is drive too fast once in a while. I really would like to do something completely crazy at some point. Otherwise I don't really see the point anymore. I think I fear people much more than I fear any kind of physical danger. Self-consciousness and fear of disapproval is what keeps me holed up and depressed all the time.

I guess I don't really have enough desire to improve my "social skills" the way you have. There's some emotional thing missing in me. I don't get any "warm fuzzies" from being with groups of smiling giggling hugging people. Sucks but it's something I have to accept about myself. I'll always be a space-cadet, more interested in my own thoughts. I think I can warm up better in more intimate settings without all that grating noise and commotion, people talking over each other louder and louder, or laughing hysterically at things I can't even here due to my audio processing disorder. I need to be able to meet with people in quiet one-on-one setting where I can focus and connect instead of being shut out with obnoxious NT commotion.