Aspie men not replying to message = not interested?

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Alla
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01 Oct 2013, 9:06 pm

So I have been dating this aspie guy for a while and he usually replies to my Skype messages (I usually initiate; he seems to prefer the phone or face to face) but yesterday I sent him a message where I told him that my mom was ill and I couldn't wait to see him in five days. He was online for the next two hours, but no reply.
Is this common among aspie males not to reply or is he simply telling me that he is not interested? It is unusual for him not to reply within the day.



Kuribo
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01 Oct 2013, 9:08 pm

Well, sometimes I can become socially-overloaded and afraid/anxious to answer texts, phone calls, and online posts.

Perhaps he is unsure of how to respond to the news that your mother is ill.



GregCav
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01 Oct 2013, 9:14 pm

For me:-
If it sounds like a statement, then it doesn't nessessarily require a reply.
If I'm not in a good mood, it's best if I don't talk to anyone for a while.
If I'm upset or confused, I may leave a reply until I've had time to think about it.
I could simply be busy.
I forgot where I put my phone.
I'm driving.



Alla
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01 Oct 2013, 9:18 pm

Does this sound like a statement that wouldn't need a reply?

Can't wait to see you!
Things are somewhat bit frantic. I took mom to the doctor for her anemia. She has been feeling weak for a month now. Otherwise, I'm trying to be patient about work....
Looking forward to flying out tomorrow.



Alla
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01 Oct 2013, 9:19 pm

GregCav wrote:
For me:-
If it sounds like a statement, then it doesn't nessessarily require a reply.
If I'm not in a good mood, it's best if I don't talk to anyone for a while.
If I'm upset or confused, I may leave a reply until I've had time to think about it.
I could simply be busy.
I forgot where I put my phone.
I'm driving.


Even if you have romantic feelings for the girl?



the_alchemist
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01 Oct 2013, 9:23 pm

I believe its a misunderstanding Alla. Maybe text/skype him and ask when he wants to meet up next like nothing happened?



nopenope
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01 Oct 2013, 9:26 pm

Alla wrote:
GregCav wrote:
For me:-
If it sounds like a statement, then it doesn't nessessarily require a reply.
If I'm not in a good mood, it's best if I don't talk to anyone for a while.
If I'm upset or confused, I may leave a reply until I've had time to think about it.
I could simply be busy.
I forgot where I put my phone.
I'm driving.


Even if you have romantic feelings for the girl?


Yup. I concur with GregCav. My wife gets upset when I don't reply to her text messages - usually it is because she has not asked a question, am busy at work, driving, or figure I'll see her soon anyways.

"I am going to the store."
(crickets chirping)
"Why didn't you reply?"
(crickets chirping)
... I was driving ...



the_alchemist
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01 Oct 2013, 9:33 pm

Alla wrote:
Does this sound like a statement that wouldn't need a reply?

Can't wait to see you!
.


I met an amazing blonde extrovert, very entertaining girl to be around. She texted me "hey georgous its Jitandra" I texted her back "oh cool" and didnt text her again because I was confused/trying to play it cool.

Then I took a psychedelic called ibogaine that made me evaluate this. Oh man did that hurt.

Your going to run into challenges with affection if you date an aspie

That text is a bit of a reminder to me, when girl sends affection send affection back



Willard
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01 Oct 2013, 9:50 pm

How do you know he was online for 2 hours? Just because his computer was logged onto the net doesn't mean he was sitting at the keyboard actively reading messages or doing anything. I sometimes leave the house to run errands and leave my machine logged on.

Other times, however, I don't have a particular answer or response, so I don't say anything, especially if I'm already loaded with anxiety that day. If you expect an Aspergian to return common emotional responses and displays of affection, you're going to be frequently disappointed.

Our brains don't process the same way other people do (there's a bit of a lag) and sometimes by the time we have formulated an assessment of what the appropriate response should be, the moment has passed and it's too late, so we do nothing.



the_alchemist
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01 Oct 2013, 9:58 pm

Theres some really good books that could help you understand him better



matt
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02 Oct 2013, 12:51 am

When someone contacts me, if it's a subject I have something to say about, I have a tendency to hit reply and start typing, but to try for so long to express exactly what I want to say that I just give up any hope of being able to express it, so I don't respond at all. I can write pages and pages and pages about certain subjects, and then I look at all that I've written and think that I've said too much and that people will be bothered that I said so much and I give up.

I know that this gives the impression of being disinterested, but it's usually easier to respond to an email if I'm not interested, because it's often responding in a way that I've been told to respond throughout my life.

What makes things worse is when people write messages about several different subjects, because I feel like I have to write a response to each thing they said, and that makes responding even more difficult.



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02 Oct 2013, 1:22 am

Willard wrote:
How do you know he was online for 2 hours? Just because his computer was logged onto the net doesn't mean he was sitting at the keyboard actively reading messages or doing anything. I sometimes leave the house to run errands and leave my machine logged on.

Other times, however, I don't have a particular answer or response, so I don't say anything, especially if I'm already loaded with anxiety that day. If you expect an Aspergian to return common emotional responses and displays of affection, you're going to be frequently disappointed.

Our brains don't process the same way other people do (there's a bit of a lag) and sometimes by the time we have formulated an assessment of what the appropriate response should be, the moment has passed and it's too late, so we do nothing.


This applies to females as well.

The number of times I have left my computer on only to come back and find people yelling at me on messenger because I had not replied to them. Um, I was not at the computer.

Same goes for the rest of the reply I quoted.



Schizpergers
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02 Oct 2013, 1:24 am

I often don't reply to texts because I didn't know I was sussposed to. This usually has happened when the text was not a question so I had nothing to say back. I have been accused of ignoring when I was not.

I also have phone etiquette that many people do not have. If I am busy or with someone, I do not answer my phone, and normally it is on silent constantly. I use the phone as a pager and will call back when convient for me.
I do this because what is going on in my real life has priority over the phone.
I think its rude when I am hanging out with someone and they answer the phone or text.

I do not like the concept of being open to intruptions at any time.



bumble
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02 Oct 2013, 1:30 am

Schizpergers wrote:

I do not like the concept of being open to intruptions at any time.


I no longer have a mobile phone for this reason. Well I have one but it sits there dormant as I rarely switch it on or put credit on it.



Callista
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02 Oct 2013, 1:33 am

Usually, when we don't talk, it doesn't have a hidden meaning. It just means we don't want to talk.

To an autistic person, socializing is like skydiving: It's exciting and scary, and because it's so intense, we can't just keep on doing it constantly.

If he has his Skype set to just turn on whenever his computer turns on, he might have had it minimized while he was online, and never looked at it. He might also have had no idea what to say to you; or he might not have known a reply was needed. (You didn't ask a question; you just made statements.)

If he was in the middle of social burnout at the time, he probably didn't reply to you because it seemed like a very complex task. Imagine being asked to do a really difficult math problem when you had just come back from an all-day exam. You would probably avoid the math problem, put it off. You'd just be mentally tired. That's what happens to us. Sometimes it even spills over into physical exhaustion. If I spend too long socializing in one day, I'm likely to go home, flop onto my bed, and sleep for about three hours.

He's probably going to need to be alone sometimes. It's got nothing to do with you; it's just that socializing takes a lot of brainpower, and eventually you just don't have any left over! Most autistic people very wisely withdraw when they are tired; not doing so leads to miscommunication, arguments, and even meltdowns.

If you want to know something about him, don't try to interpret what he's doing the way you'd interpret the average person's behavior--his behavior is going to be mostly similar to the average person's, but there's just enough difference in there to throw off the strategies you would usually use. Talking, asking specific questions, is often a better way to make sure you are reading him right. And make sure to get him to tell you what information he needs from you, too. As you know, we have a good deal of trouble figuring out what other people are thinking and feeling, and we can be socially oblivious like you wouldn't believe! Sometimes, not only don't we know how to get someone to understand something, but we don't even know that it's important for them to understand it. NT/Aspie is always going to be like learning a foreign language, but it IS a language you can learn. He's probably been working to learn your language his whole life, and is now working on learning your specific dialect of it. :)


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Opi
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02 Oct 2013, 12:16 pm

Callista wrote:
To an autistic person, socializing is like skydiving: It's exciting and scary, and because it's so intense, we can't just keep on doing it constantly.


well put.

i know i go through periods where i just can't talk to anyone. sometimes it's a mild depression, sometimes it's anxiety, sometimes it just is whatever it is. i don't answer the phone, i can't bring myself to email, i don't post online (i know, hard to believe).

i know most people don't "get" it so that's one reason i just don't try to have relationships.

you might try pinging him with an actual question, because what you posted above is just statements and he may not be feeling socially creative enough to formulate an appropriately interested response.

you don't have to jump to conclusions but a simple "haven't heard from you like usual, everything okay?"

then if he doesn't respond, he's either overloaded or yes, he's avoiding you (in my experience this IS one way guys "deal" with loss of interest).

if he doesn't respond then, you might want to let it go.

when i was young, i was pretty needy and drove guys away by pestering them. since then i've tended to err on the side of caution and wouldn't do anything at all that might be con strued as needy. now i'm kind of in a middle place, which is nice. so i don't mind making some effort, but if i make a step toward them and they don't step back, i don't continue.


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