1. Create a concrete plan you share with you child and set expectations before going on the vacation – If we know exactly what’s going on and can see a schedule beforehand it feels much less overwhelming to tackle new places and new experiences.

2. Make sure you’re staying in a place with enough space – when I was a kid, if we stayed in a place with plenty of space, my parents had no issues. For example, every year my parents would take us to Pawleys Island, SC. Generally that trip was fine because my parents rented a big enough house and I had my own space, which is something a lot of us on the spectrum need. One year, we moved to a much nicer but much smaller house. I had to share a bedroom with my brother and the house was very compact so we felt packed in and I had a lot of difficulties. Even though the house was nicer, renting the bigger, albeit more shabby, beach house was much better for our family.

3. Plan your vacation during the destination’s off-season and go to a place that’s less crowded in general  Autistic people can get overwhelmed in large crowds or places that have a lot of people. And when you go to tourist destinations, that can be even more overwhelming if it’s during a busy season.

4. Plan a lot of physical activities  Things that involve bike riding, walking, swimming, or even outdoor activities like the zoo, are good for helping to get rid of that excess nervous energy that can build up .

5. Doing more shorter vacations like day or weekend trips can be easier than going on a single longer vacation If a week long vacation is too much, try doing a few 3, 2 or 1 day trips. If your child hates the trip, you can leave without worrying about the fact that you paid for a whole week.

6. Since activities can be overwhelming, limit them in time and scope and plan them so that they work for your child - 

As an example, for a trip to a museum, create a plan of things to see and do and share it with your child before going in. Whatever you do, don’t just walk around looking at things. People, especially kids, on the spectrum don’t like uncertainty.

Also, call ahead and ask what the least busy time is – sometimes google has a graph that shows how many people are at a specific attraction for each hour of the day.

Also, plan mini tours that involve activities related to what you’re doing (like a scavenger hunt). Often times, places like a museum will offer guides for children.  Don’t be pedantic, the experience of new places and experiences should be enough. You don’t need to teach them everything about everything you see and don’t try too hard to make sure they’re learning. Children will remember activities related to what they saw, not  what was written on a plaque you made them read.  Be more hands off and your child’s curiosity will do the rest.

Plan an escape if it’s a new overwhelming experience. One time we went to a haunted house. My sister who is also on the spectrum was insistent upon going in so my mom talked with the people running it and they came up with an egress plan for her to go to a guide to take her out if she got overwhelmed and needed to leave.

7. Always have a plan of where your next meal is coming from – either bring your food or plan to eat at a specific place you research that is fun and not overwhelming from a sensory perspective

Plan rest times – While it can seem like it’d be better to make use of all the time you have and do as much as possible, if you do less things and have built-in breaks, the things you do will be much more rewarding and memorable. You don’t need to see the whole city or even the whole museum. A lot of parents

8. Be aware of your child’s needs and prioritize those over your own- If your kid likes rocket ships, go to the air and space museum. Even if you think you’d enjoy an art gallery more, you won’t if your kid is having a melt down the whole time. You can still go to the art gallery if you make it fun, but sometimes the path of least resistance is best.

9 Prepare staff in advance - Tell them you have a kid on the spectrum and explain that a meltdown is possible. That way, if a meltdown does happen they will be more patient and accommodating and you won’t get as many people judging you.

10. If you have multiple kids on the spectrum, consider one parent taking them each separately on different vacations based on their needs and interests. Or if you’re doing activities on the same trip, maybe split off so each child can do something that will work for them.

The post Planning a family vacation with Autism – 10 tips for success appeared first on Wrong Planet.

“That’s really incredible,” said a well-meaning educator who had called in April about our Autism Advantage program, which runs six-week training cohorts for autistic individuals around specific talent sets. “I’m searching for a program which can teach autistic people acceptable behavior for the workplace. Yours is like that, correct?”

We now love conversations like these. They give us an opportunity to explain what we’ve helped dozens of leading companies understand. Our Autism Advantage program doesn’t make autistic people ‘acceptable’. We bring out and strengthen their talents to improve their careers.

Our programs provide training and structure to help individuals understand and accept who they are as autistic people, identify and master their skills long overlooked by others, and employ those skills in order to find career success. We provide understanding of neurotypical behavior in order for autistic individuals to better navigate integrated workplaces, coach companies in building neurodiverse workplaces, match autistic candidates with employment opportunities, and provide coaching and assistance once hired.

We do this because we’re located in Silicon Valley and realized that many autistic talents are well-suited for hard-to-fill technology roles. We started our training from this point and our current series focuses on autistic individuals with data analytical skills (if you are interested in these programs, we encourage you to sign-up). However, it would be ridiculous to think that autistic talent is limited to tech. That’s why we don’t just place candidates within tech roles and why we’re structuring future training opportunities around additional talent sets. Our six-week training acts as a deep dive into developing the talents of autistic individuals from the autistic frame. We go over many things, but at the core of our trainings are four key components we’ve realized are applicable to anyone looking for work.

1. Self Awareness. When autistic people hear the term “self awareness” it’s often in being reprimanded for not mirroring neurotypical behavior. In Autism Advantage, we emphasize the actual meaning of the term: understanding who you are and how you operate in this world. Some of our program participants are deeply ashamed of their autistic traits at the beginning of each of our trainings. We help them see that autistic traits can used to their advantage. If the X-men has taught us anything, it is that unique traits are needed and necessary. Accepting and understanding who you are as an autistic person allows you to find ways to leverage your autistic traits as an advantage throughout your career.

2.Master Your Skills. Cal Newport is a computer scientist who does deep thinking on workplace success. In his book So Good They Can’t Ignore You he examines the repeating patterns of success found in individuals from blues musician Jordan Tice to Apple founder Steve Jobs. Newport discovered that the most successful people are the ones who take an existing skill set and practice it over-and-over again to mastery. What inspired Newport to first research this pattern was seeing an interview with comedian Steve Martin on the Charlie Rose show where he discussed giving advice to aspiring comedians:

Nobody ever takes note of [my advice], because it’s not the answer they wanted to hear. What they want to hear is “Here’s how you get an agent, here’s how you write a script,”. . . but I always say, “Be so good they can’t ignore you.”

It wasn’t an exceptional talent that distinguished Steve Martin from his peers. Like other new comics, he was good but not great. While other new comics focused half of their attention on finding better and better gigs, Martin tried a different approach. He focused all of his attention on practicing his own skills over and over again. He worked clubs whose audiences would boo him but would also laugh three weeks later when he finally got the joke he had tried before just right. In mastering his skills, Martin began to distinguish himself. It was in learning how to be obsessively good at what he did that found Steve Martin success.

There is a dwindling number of educators who deride “narrow autistic interests” as a bad thing, an antithetical attitude to Newport and Martin’s advice to apply rigid structure and obsessive focus on a subject in order to master it (“If I stay with it,” said Martin in the same interview discussing the advice he gave himself when he decided to learn how to play the banjo “then one day I will have been playing it for 40 years and anyone who sticks with something for 40 years will be pretty good at it.”). If the key to skill success among neurotypicals is adopting autistic traits, then we should encourage those traits in autistic individuals themselves.

Whether it be city bus schedules or complex data systems, autistic people build expertise on the subjects they love by rigorously acquiring knowledge. If you are on the spectrum, you’ve most likely done this by becoming proficient at a key group of skills that you may not have even realized that you were practicing over-and-over again to perfection – skills like research, observation, analysis, evaluation, and communication. Think about the things you love, then think about the skills you used to build your knowledge of them. These are all skills you can apply to other aspects of your life, including work. Neurotypicals spend millions of dollars each year on books and seminars to get them to this place. Recognize your skills, lean into them, and practice them over-and-over again.

3. Market Your Skills. No one likes a shameless self-promoter, but almost all hiring managers love when someone can demonstrate how their skills can fit their company’s needs. That’s a big thing we work on in Autism Advantage. Here is what Daniel, one of our recent graduates shared with us after we placed him in a position with professional services firm EY.

What the Autism Advantage program gave us was a space to relax and dig deeper into our personal strengths. I discovered that I’m actually a great presenter and I’m good at public speaking. Understanding that means that I now know how to personally pitch myself.

When Daniel started our program, he hadn’t yet discovered that he had those skills. By graduation, he was able to confidently talk about them with others. You most likely have a different skill set than Daniel. As you discover yours and practice your skills to mastery, they will become much easier to talk about. Many autistic people have difficulty talking about themselves, but discussing your skills and how they apply to others is one way to accommodate our strengths.  The interview process if filled with people who love to talk about how great they are. There’s no need to copy that. Talking about how your skills can provide solutions to the job you seek will be valued by the the person hiring for the position.  Once hired, offering your skills as solutions to your managers and teammates will help you advance throughout your career.

4. Network. There’s a misconception that autistic people aren’t good at networking. Most of the internet would collapse if that were true. People just network differently. Neurotypical people tend to highly engage interpersonal networking while autistic people often more easily navigate networking online. Our team has also noticed that many autistic people tend to be great (and better than neurotypical peers) at interpersonal networking if allowed to use it to exchange information on subjects they love. Academia and the arts are filled with autistic people skilled in networking this way. Networking is absolutely essential to your career. The more connections that an individual makes through networks, the more opportunities for success there will be. However, that doesn’t mean that everyone needs to network the same way.

We heavily emphasize networking in Autism Advantage, but we do so from an autistic frame. We recently took our program participants to a strategy session at the San Francisco offices of LinkedInto discuss networking from the autistic point of view. Connecting with others is key to career success. Think through how you best network and then use those channels as you look for work. Let people know you are looking for employment and what your skills are. Other people know of opportunities and connections that you don’t. Everyone networks differently. Figure out how you best network and use those networks to increase opportunities throughout your career.

At the end of each of our Autism Advantage training programs, we increase the opportunities for our attendees by connecting them with leading companies who need their individual skills. We help companies realize why they need autistic talent and how building support for neurodiversity within the office is not only good for the individual employee but for the entire team. On the candidate side, our trainings dive into many things, but these four concepts our participants deeply examine will also prove key concepts to you: develop your self awareness, master your skills, market your skills, and then network. We don’t make autistic talent ‘acceptable’. We help autistic individuals strengthen their talents to improve their careers. The world needs autistic talent. Focus on developing each of these things and you’ll be able to confidently show everyone why.

——-

By Jack Hogan and John Marble, Autism Advantage

Jack Hogan is a technology expert and co-founder of Autism Advantage, a program which trains autistic talent and matches them with leading companies. John Marble is the program’s senior advisor and is a former presidential appointee in the administration of President Barack Obama. He is autistic.

Autism Advantage operates in partnership with Expandability, a non-profit initially established in Silicon Valley to aid disabled programmers. Autism Advantage was developed out of Expandability’s highly successful Autism at Work program it first pioneered with software company SAP. Those interested in the program can sign-up here. Additionally, Autism Advantage continuously seeks input from autistic individuals as they build programs and welcomes the input of suggestions and new ideas.

This is a sponsored article. 

The post Before You Look for Work Here Are Four Things You Should Absolutely Know appeared first on Wrong Planet.

First, we are not stupid. We also are not trying to be difficult when we say we don’t understand you. We don’t have a disease, and the vast majority of us would refuse a “cure,” if one were discovered, for such a development would be seen by many of us, myself included, as an attempt to commit genocide. Like other groups of people, we want to stay alive, as individuals, and as a culture.

We are, however, different from most people. Our brains are hard-wired in ways that are not typical, with the result that we do not think in the same manner as others. These differences give us certain advantages which we value, but the trade-off comes in the form of problems involving communication with non-Aspies. You can see this in fiction, to get used to the way we think, simply by watching (or reading) Star Trek stories which feature Vulcans, or the android named Data. The difficulties those characters have, when trying to communicate with the humans they encounter, are very much like what happens when Aspies and non-Aspies attempt communication. Why is this the case? The answer is simple:  Star Trek was written that way.

Here are some specific questions, and phrases, which many Aspies find particularly baffling. In each case, I will attempt to explain why this is so.

1. “Who do you think you are?” — Ask an Aspie this question, and you’re likely to simply be given his or her name, in response. Apparently, this offends some people, but please don’t ask me why, for I don’t understand it myself. If a person were to ask me this question, my first guess would be that the questioner simply forgot my name, and needs a reminder. The meaning of volume, voice tone, and body language are mysteries to us. Sometimes we can figure out these mysteries, but it doesn’t happen automatically — we have to reason our way through it, and that takes time, especially for nuances of communication which are based on emotions.

2. “What do you think you’re doing?” — My likely response to this question would be an honest one:  “I’m trying to understand what you’re saying, but it doesn’t seem to be working very well.” However, that’s an answer from an Aspie in his fifth decade of trying to understand other people, so I’ve had a lot of practice. An Aspie teenager, in school, might simply say, “I’m walking to class,” “I’m taking notes,” or something like that, and then get in trouble for “backtalk,” as it is called — when the student was simply answering the question, without intending any disrespect whatsoever. Whatever answer this confusing question gets, from one of us, that answer will be both literal, and honest. It is not in our nature to lie, but it is definitely in our nature to think, listen, speak, read, and write literally, and logically.

3. “Do that again!” / “Say that again!” — If we have done or said something which you don’t like, and you actually don’t want to witness a rerun, why would you demand one? We think, speak, and interpret what we hear in terms of the actual words which are spoken. There’s nothing wrong with thinking literally, and, frankly, it puzzles us why so many of you think in other ways, so much of the time. If you ask for, or demand, a repeat performance of something you didn’t like, from one of us, you’re quite likely to get one — and then you’ll get angrier, we’ll get even more confused, and absolutely nothing of value will have been accomplished. If, on the other hand, you refrain from using “x” to mean “not x” (since it doesn’t), and simply tell us exactly what you mean, communication will become much easier, for all concerned.

4. “Don’t get technical with me!” — As far as I can tell, this means that the speaker wants us to refrain from choosing our words with precision, but I could be wrong, for this is the most baffling item on this list, so far. Clarity of language is desirable, for it facilitates communication, and sometimes, technical terms are needed for this purpose. I don’t know what to suggest as a substitute for this phrase, since I don’t understand it, but I can assure you that using it, with an Aspie, is a complete waste of your time.

5. “What’s wrong with you?” — This is another baffling question. If asked very loudly, the most likely answers Aspies will give are “I have a headache,” or perhaps “Sudden-onset tinnitus,” with the cause, in each case, being simple:  from our point of view, the questioner is trying to deafen us, by yelling things which make no sense (at any volume). Do you like being shouted at, from close range? No? Well then, this is one way that we aren’t so different from non-Aspies, for we don’t like it either. Also:  it’s quite likely that we don’t see anything wrong with us at all, for, in this situation, we are not the ones shouting nonsense-questions, so you might even get this response:  “Nothing. What’s wrong withyou?” In such a situation, that isn’t backtalk — it’s a perfectly legitimate question, and we are not responsible for any emotion-laden, irrational response the non-Aspie questioner might display.

6. “I need this done yesterday!” — Many of us can explain, in detail, why time travel into the past is not permitted by the laws of physics, as they are currently understood. Those who request, or demand, reverse-time-travel, from an Aspie, should not be surprised to hear such an explanation. Ask us to flap our arms and fly, and the response will likely be similar.

I could give more examples, but I think the point has been made. We aren’t all alike, so the examples of hypothetical responses I gave, above, will vary from one Aspie to another. What isn’t likely to vary, though, is the confusion each of us experiences when things are said to us which make no sense, if interpreted literally. That’s the key to communicating with us:  when we hear something, we automatically use logic, and rational thought, to attempt to understand the literal meaning of what has been said to us. For many of us, that is the only meaning we can understand.

In my case (and probably in the cases of at least some other Aspies), this goes a little further: rational, literal, and logical interpretations of language are the only ones I want to understand. This is a self-protection mechanism, for the idea of losing even part of my ability to think clearly, and rationally, is extremely frightening to me. To pour a lot of effort into trying to think in non-Aspie ways, I fear, could damage my mind — if, that is, I was successful in the attempt. I don’t want to risk turning into a person who considers “x” and “not x” to be interchangeable, for one doesn’t equal negative one. To change, in this way, would effectively kill the person I am. It wouldn’t stop my heart from beating, of course, but some things are even worse than physical death. If such a change ever happened, I would look the same, and would have the same legal name, but I would no longer be RobertLovesPi. It makes perfect sense for me to be absolutely unwilling to risk something so dangerous.

In addition to the central importance of the fact that we think in literal terms, while others often don’t, Aspies have some other difficulties (or the rest of the world does, depending on your point of view). I attempted to describe these difficulties, which involve coping with the emotionalism and irrationality of numerous other people, in the examples of confusing phrases and questions given above. Emotionalism and irrationality are, to us, severe impediments to understanding anything, and we live our lives in a state of near-constant bombardment from both, since Aspies are outnumbered by non-Aspies by a huge margin. On this planet, to borrow a book title from Robert Heinlein, I live my life as a “stranger in a strange land.” I know that many other Aspies see life in a similar way, for that idea is embedded in the name of the largest online community created by and for Aspies, as well as others on the autism spectrum:  www.wrongplanet.net. If you are curious about how other Aspies view the things I have described above, or if you are, yourself, an Aspie in need of an temporary escape from social interaction with non-Aspies, you can find a great many of us at that website. (Also, if you want to find me there, just search for me, using the name of this blog — my not-at-all-secret identity, all over the Internet.)

[Note: this was originally posted on my personal blog, http://www.robertlovespi.wordpress.com, on 24 August 2014. The target audience for this post is non-Aspies, but those with Asperger’s may find it interesting as well. Other posts on the same blog, related to Asperger’s, may be found at https://robertlovespi.wordpress.com/category/aspergers/. Most of the rest of my blog is devoted to my special interest — esoteric topics in geometry, especially polyhedra.]

The post Six phrases and questions likely to confuse people with Asperger’s. appeared first on Wrong Planet.

In the second installment of Autism Talk TV’s social skills series filmed at the UCLA PEERS center, Alex learns how to approach a group, find something common to talk about, and be accepted into a group. Hopefully this will show you guys how social skills are actually very easy once you know the language.

Making friends can seem hard but these tips will help you succeed. There are a lot of variations in body language that you can easily learn in order to join conversations. Dr. Liz Laugeson, the director of PEERS, walks Alex through these various topics in an easy to follow step-by-step tutorial.

Enjoy!

The post Autism Talk TV 23 – How to Join a Social Circle & Make Friends in a Group appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Living on your own might be something that you dream of achieving someday, but at the same time, the thought can be scary. You might even think it is impossible that you will live on your own. First, you need an income, and then after that you need the survival skills and street smarts to take care of yourself without anyone there to support you.

This guide will help prepare you for that transition so that someday you can live independently. This guide is not meant to be comprehensive but rather to offer you a few suggestions to help you along the way.

Step 1: Create a support network—We need people to be there for us and to also be honest with us and tell us how we can improve ourselves. Preferably, this network will extend beyond family members and include at least one close friend that you trust. Ultimately, when you are living on your own, you might encounter many obstacles you never thought of, especially obstacles of a social nature, and you will want someone there to be supportive of you and to help you as you navigate a life of independence.
Step 2: Master your weaknesses: It is a good idea to try and be aware of your weaknesses. If possible, have your close friend tell you what they feel are your biggest weaknesses. It is also good to know your strengths, but it is your weaknesses that you need to work on. For instance, you might get very focused on playing video games for hours, maybe days at a time. While it is okay to play video games, playing them for days at a time when trying to live on your own can lead to you losing your job and also your house. So, it is important that you recognize your weaknesses and do your best to work with them.

Step 3: Learn to cook: Have someone teach you how to cook. If you have no desire to ever cook, invest in a microwave. However, it should be noted, that it is probably healthier to try and eat some homemade meals rather than meals that have been processed and are heated in the microwaved.

Step 4: Learn to balance your money: Have someone work with you to set a budget and learn to balance your finances. Set money aside for emergencies and be sure to pay your rent and bills on time.

Step 5: Learn to balance your schedule: It is important to learn how to do multiple things in a day. You need to be flexible and willing to schedule time for activities, work, and social engagements.

Step 6: Get involved in the community: Maybe you don’t like going out and meeting people. Perhaps you were bullied in school. But, it is still important to try and meet people and go outside your comfort zone.

Step 7: Master some form of transportation—Either learn to drive or figure out how to use the public transportation system. If you are living on your own, you will need to be able to effectively get around town.

Step 8: Learn to be assertive—When you are on your own, your parents will no longer be able to stand up for you. Being assertive doesn’t mean fighting back or having attitude, but it does mean standing up for yourself and not allowing people to walk all over you.

Step 9: Live a healthy lifestyle—Exercise and try to eat healthy. Also, maintain your hygiene or you might find yourself out of a job.

Step 10: Follow your dreams and make them come true—Look through the newspapers and online and find that apartment or house that you desire to live in. Decide that you are going to move out and make it happen. And, if your parents try to talk you out of it, don’t listen to them; they just worry about all. Ultimately, living on your own is something that you have to make happen for yourself. So, decide that is what you want and don’t allow anything to deter you from your goal.

Arman Khodaei is a 26 year old individual with Asperger’s living in Rancho Cucamonga, California. Find out more on his site, Empower Autism

The post 10 Steps to Become Independent: Learning the Basics of Essential Life Skills appeared first on Wrong Planet.

I met Nanna Juul Lanng while speaking at the conference in Denmark. This is her first column:

Human beings are per definition flock animals. There is no real way around this fact. Our success as a species is partially based on our superior communication skills which allow us to share our knowledge and experiences in a much more efficient way than any other animal on Earth. We have no natural physical weapons; no claws, no fangs, no spikes. Even our most incredible athletes are, in comparison to most animals our size, quite slow and not particularly strong. We’re so soft, fragile and vulnerable and to top all of this off we’re also naturally naked. Our physical features are, all in all, not very impressive.

But by learning, adapting, sharing and creating we have spread throughout this planet, and we have created a lot of the world we see before us today. We are, as humans, hypersocial beings. We are genetically coded for social interaction. We depend on each other, we seek the approval of our fellow men, and we judge each other by our ability to master these social skills and rules.

Read on. . .

In order to do well in the world and in society, if that is what we wish to do, we attempt to adapt, we do our best to crack the code that no one seems to speak of but everybody knows, often with limited results. I was diagnosed two years ago, when I had just turned 19, and it thrilled me to know, that I was not alone in this struggle, even more-so to find people with ASD who’d done a lot better than I. But I also met a lot of people on the spectrum, afterwards, some even younger than me, who had already grown bitter from the constant battles and all the defeats in this social human world. I am not saying, that I can “fix” anyone, I can’t. If I had such an ability, I would have “fixed” myself long ago (I need better word for that) , and you’d see me hanging out at trendy clubs talking to very interesting and important people, luring them all in with my amazing skills. I’d be out catching great friends, like Ash catches pokemons… Which I’m not. However I have improved a lot, I can make friends, I can attract people, I am now able to benefit from social interaction, I can get people to listen most of the time, and if you’re interested, I would like to share those techniques and tips which have worked for me.

Letting down your guard and opening up

I’ve made tons of social mistakes over the years. I’ve been mistrusting of everyone, especially men, and I have often felt that this fight was a waste of my precious energy. I’ve gone through periods where I just couldn’t be bothered, especially in my mid-teens where I didn’t try at all, and as a consequence, I didn’t make any close friends. I was crying out for people to accept me as I was, but looking back I see, that I was guarded, slightly defensive and sometimes arrogant. I didn’t let people in, even though I was lonely. All this because I was afraid of failure – of being hurt and ridiculed. By the time I graduated from school, I’d grown tired of my own restrictions, all those bonds I’d gotten myself tangled up in.

I learned that without exposing myself, without opening up, no one was ever going to let ME in. How could they? They didn’t know the real me. How can you embrace something, you are not aware of? Especially when that something is guarding its true self like a starved dog guards its food.

Opening up is risky. You might get hurt. You will make mistakes. And some people will not like you, no matter what you do. But if you’re not willing to gamble, you won’t win anything.

Acknowledging your responsibility

Whenever you’re communicating with someone such as the cashier in the supermarket or a new friend, know that you are at any given moment just as responsible for the outcome of the communication as the other person you’re interacting with. How you behave does have an effect on that person. If you greet someone in a positive manner (by smiling, being polite and trying to be non-judgemental, etc.) you are much more likely to get a positive response back. But if your defensive mode is activated and you allow your fears and negativity to rule your thoughts and behaviour, most people will pick up on that and view you as a threat and unapproachable. Be aware of the signals you’re sending. Try asking friends and acquaintances what they thought of you, when they first met you. If you don’t have any friends worth mentioning a good way to educate yourself on the effects of body signals is to experiment when you’re out in public. Pretend and observe. If you behave one way, how do people react to you? If you behave another way, then what?

As for online communication as good (though occasionally annoying when overdone) way avoid appearing aggressive or insensitive and cold is by using positive emoticons or simply by letting people know that you’re are merely joking and/or you mean no harm. If you choose to go for expressive, written sounds like ‘haha’, be aware that many on the spectrum have a difficult time telling whether someone is laughing with them or at them – especially online.

Ask for help when you need it!

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your shortcomings. We all have them. We all have difficulties and if you’re willing to admit them you just might be on your way to move forward. If someone (when you’re out with friends, colleagues, or any other kind of social situation) says something, and you’re not sure what they mean by it, ask! Something as simple as: ‘I’m not sure if I understood you right, could you explain it, please?’ or ‘could you rephrase that?’ works on most people. Try not to make a big deal out of it, even if it did sound offensive to you at first. Give them a chance to explain themselves, before you judge. 9 out of 10 times, people mean no harm, but they may have a crude sense of humour and are not aware of its possible effects on others.

Don’t play the blame game

So, your friend or acquaintance has just said something ‘stupid and offensive’. Bite your tongue and be quick about it before all those automatic, nasty thoughts slip out. You might be tempted to call someone an idiot, moron, imbecile, bastard or what have we, but if you’re interested in having a nice, positive and rewarding conversation, it is most often best not to stick rude labels on them. You might have misunderstood them.

Name calling will make most people close up like a clam poked with a stick. Also they might be better at you at offending and your slip-up might backfire big time!

Also, when discussing try to not to indirectly blame people. Most people do this, I certainly do, but it doesn’t lead to rewarding debates, only to verbal war. Instead of saying things like:

‘You’re wrong’
‘You hurt me’
‘You’re not making sense’
‘Are you retarded?’

…you could try shifting the blame, like:

‘I don’t think that’s right, because…’
‘That hurt me’ / ‘I was hurt by what you said’
‘I don’t understand your reasoning’ / ‘I’m not sure I get what you’re trying to say’
‘…’ (Don’t poke the clam. It won’t like it. You cannot get your point across, when you’ve contributed to making the other person withdraw into him-/herself.)

People on the spectrum are notorious truth-seekers, but we are often also unyielding and stubborn, which can prevent us from comprehending the entire truth. And then sometimes, there is no definite truth, only opinions.

Saying sorry

We all mess up sometimes. Hurting others at some point is almost inevitable when socializing. Don’t be the person, curled up in your sofa whilst staring angrily at the phone or computer screen, just waiting for the other(s) to apologize first. It takes two to tango – be the better man/woman and get on with it. Being a good communicator is also about admitting that you’ve slipped up. If you want to preserve the friendship or maybe just a tolerable relationship with a co-worker, you have to sacrifice your pride once in a while. Even when you think it’s not your fault, because you were ‘right’!

It will take time and it doesn’t work on everybody

Even the most skilled NT gifted with a sharp eye and a silver tongue cannot succeed in every conversation. Some people are difficult to speak with, some will use any given opportunity to put you down, due to their own insecurities and ignorance and, well, there may be a thousand reasons as to why communication goes wrong. Know that it is not always your fault. The most important lesson, I’ve ever learned when it comes to socialisation, is forgiving myself.

None of this will ever come naturally to me. All that ‘sensing and evaluating how far you can go and how to say your honest opinion without sounding like a bastard’ is still difficult. But if you keep trying, you will eventually learn something and from there you may move even further. Be yourself, but more importantly, be a person you can be proud of, be brave enough to be you and don’t be ashamed of failing. We’re all different, neurotypical or not, we all have a lot to learn, and there’s no better way of learning than by doing unfortunately. Know your limits, remember to recharge, think about yourself because that will make consideration for others that much easier.

The post The Social Human & The Art of Positive Communication for Autism appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Autistic Dr. Temple Grandin, a designer of livestock handling facilities and a Professor of Animal Science at Colorado State University, is an icon in the Autistic Community. Her life has been a beacon and an inspirational story and after a long negotiation is getting her biography brought to HBO.  Claire Danes is in negotiations to star as Grandin in the film which is currently moving forward after nine years.
 
“I made a commitment to Temple that I was going to make it and make it right,” said Emily Gerson Saines, one of the executive producers, who has a son with autism. “I never pushed to get it made until now, because now we got it right.”
The actress Claire Danes may be known to you as Angela Chase in the 1992-94 pioneering TV drama series “My So Called Life.” Who better to play Autistic Temple Grandin from her high school years to her post academic period?

Temple Grandin obtained her B.A. at Franklin Pierce College and her M.S. in Animal Science at Arizona State University. Dr. Grandin received her PhD in Animal Science from the University of Illinois in 1989. Today she teaches courses on livestock behavior and facility design at Colorado State University and consults with the livestock industry on facility design, livestock handling, and animal welfare.

She was also featured in Errol Morris’ documentary “First Person: Stairway to Heaven.”

Grandin has written a variety of autism books, such as Thinking in Pictures: My Life with Autism and The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships which are available on the Wrong Planet Book Page.

For more information check out The Hollywood Reporter.

Written by SinsBoldly and Alex Plank.

The post Claire Danes to Play Temple Grandin in New HBO Biopic appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–Aaron_Mason

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
?I have a really big problem with commanding attention in a conversation. When I start talking, people talk over me, or they’ll interrupt me to say something they want to say. What can I do??

–Aaron_Mason

Argh! I hate that. I?ve had trouble with over-zealous talkers from time to time. I have some ideas for you.

First, in case you aren?t already certain of this, their interrupting and talking over you shows very poor communication skills. It?s not only rude, it shows they are not listening. Rather they are lying in wait for an opening to show off their lung capacity. Furthermore, to anyone who knows, it shows that they don?t understand the cycle of communication. (See my previous column replying to anonymous below.) Talking over another person is a great way to alienate and upset anyone, not just an aspie.

But ? it happens. The reason such people feel licensed to push over your speech most likely stems from a perceived lack of intention from you. In addition to the message communicated, a speech also must transfer the intention behind the words. This tells the listener the importance of the input. You can tell people God?s last name or the secret to infinite ice cream, but if they don?t perceive intention in your speech, they still won?t pay attention to or give it importance, because they think you don?t give it importance.

Aspies often have trouble with intention in their speech. They tend to ?talk to themselves?, and not in a schizophrenic way. They seem to intend the message for themselves first and to others around them as a secondary audience. Aspies love the sound of their own voice, not because of egotism, but because it seems to be foreign to them, like another being speaking. This phenomenon may be a result of a structural deficit: autistics often exhibit signs that the brain hemispheres aren?t communicating properly, or at all. When this is the case, one side of the brain can communicate to the other by verbal messages spoken by the mouth (one side of the brain) and taken in by the ears (the other side of the brain).

You can improve the intention in your speech through practice. Creative visualization helps to get the proper idea. For example, don?t speak to someone. Instead, speak to a point in space three feet behind his head. Concentrate on that point, and visualize your message going there. INTEND your message going there. Each and every time you speak to someone, first ask yourself, ?Where do I intend this message to go? To this person? That person? All of them?? Then sock it to them with force, and overshoot the mark. You can even start out by practicing with a willing person and raising your voice. Yell your message to that point behind the person, and make darned sure the person gets it. Then tone down your volume, but keep that same level of intention. Put all your attention into getting the message out of you and across the distance to the other person.

If you practice these drills, I think you?ll be amazed at the results. Pretty soon, you will develop strong speech habits and commensurate confidence. It won?t matter if you?re reading the phone book: people will pay attention. They won?t have the guts to interrupt someone who speaks with such intention?because very few of them have it, and it impresses and cows them.

By the way, there are some great lines to embarrass people who interrupt you. They are worth preparing in advance to ease the transition from ?interruptee? to ?feared and respected communicator?. The simplest is, ?You interrupted me,? which in adult conversation obliges the interrupter to apologize and yield. Far more fun, though, is my personal favorite: ?People who interrupt me tend to disappear under mysterious circumstances.? Deliver that one with a sly smile and watch what happens!

Good luck!

Send your questions to ?Dear Aspie?! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. ?Dear Aspie? reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: How to Stop Being Interrupted? appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–anonymous

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
?I?ve read your articles on small talk, but I can?t seem to make it keep going. It always seems to die out after a little while, even though I want to make it work. What am I doing wrong!??

–anonymous

I have a pretty good idea of what?s going on. It involves the finer mechanics of small talk and conversation generally.

Most people think of small talk as a tennis game. The ball goes from one person to the other, without any real weight to one phrase or another, blah, blah, blah. This analogy misleads. Really, small talk is more like a dance; and like any good dance, it has a message in its pattern. What is that message? Well, you are proving that you are a complete communicator, i.e., that you can both give and take communication. Let me explain:

When a person?call him Alan?starts up small talk, he originates communication. The other person, Beatrice, then communicates back that she received his communication, and they have completed a cycle. This is a very important: Alan proves he can originate communication, and Beatrice proves she can receive communication and acknowledge it.

Ideally, then, the cycle reverses direction. Beatrice originates her own communication, and Alan replies and shows that he has received it. At this point, they have both proved to one another that they can give and take communication.

This may sound simplistic, but it?s not. Communication is the most important thing humans do, and to function well among people, you have to be able to give directions, instructions, ideas, needs, sentiments, and to receive them, too. Communication of this sort is an exact formula. Society labels those who do too much giving or receiving of communication as a blabbermouth or an introvert. As unfair as it is, society rarely offers good opportunities to people who can?t communicate.

At gatherings, small talk functions as a way for two people to size up each other?s communication abilities. Two CEOs like Alan and Beatrice might sound like this:

Alan: (originating)
I played the course at Pebble Beach the other day.

Beatrice: (receiving)
What a nice day to do it.

Beatrice: (originating)
I went to the beach there a couple of years ago and thought it was gorgeous.

Alan: (receiving)
It?s funny: I?ve been there several times, but I?ve never left the golf course!

And the conversation will continue in this vein until the two part and begin anew with other people. We aspies would likely label this chit-chat as drivel, if we didn?t know to look for the pattern underneath the superficial exchange. The pattern is vital. Alan and Beatrice establish that they can give and take communication well. By following the pattern, they build rapport and respect for one another?s abilities.

Aspies can reap great comfort from knowing about this simple pattern. How? When some stranger asks you, ?How?s it going?? at a party, you will know what?s happening. Most aspies complain that they don?t know how to respond to such questions, but you at least know what you have to get across in your answer: ?I received your communication!? And then you know what your conversation partner expects you to do next: originate your own communication for him to receive and acknowledge.

Of course, this pattern will only hold strictly true with the very best communicators. Most NTs fall well below these standards in giving and receiving communication. They will talk compulsively about themselves from nervousness, fail to acknowledge your communications, or fail to originate communication when it is their turn. But at least you will be the one in the ?know? for a change, hm?

I can?t tell you how impressed people will be if you can exercise this pattern at least part of the time. A cycle of good small talk done with correct give and take of communication can land a job interview in the first two minutes, and leave people with an open, happy impression of you that lasts for years. Good luck with it. Onward and upward!

Send your questions to ?Dear Aspie?! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. ?Dear Aspie? reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: How Do I Keep Small Talk Going? appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–quietangel

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
?If one is waiting in a long line and they open up a new register is there a rule as to how one gets into the new line? e.g., are we supposed to let someone who has waited longer in the previous line in before us? I have had some problems. What is the norm??

–quietangel

First, if you and another person are waiting in a line and another register opens up while yours closes, transfering all the customers to the new open register, then the rule is that you form up in the new line just like the old. It’s common sense.

However, I know the sort of ambiguous situation you mean to question: you have the good sense to walk into a newly formed line, and then someone who has been waiting in another line for a while elects to come to or gets placed in your line behind you. You didn’t jump ahead of them, you just got in at a good time.

Ideally, there should be no question. When a new register opens up, the cashier should have the good sense to say, ?I can help the next person in line,? thus taking command of the situation and solving your problem for you.

In the absence of a commanding cashier, there are no unspoken social rules for ordering lines, and the problem becomes one of power and control, really. It?s funny to think of it this way, but it is true, and it?s a situation in which aspies have a lot of trouble.

A simple way to get a feeling for the situation is to say to yourself, ?Who?s in control here?? If the cashier tells people to move from the big line over to his register, he?s in control, and you follow his direction (obviously). If not, and you happen to be in the line first, you have control. You have possession of your place in line, and as they say in the legal profession, ?Possession is nine-tenths of the law.? No matter how many malignant stares are thrust at you, you have every right to be ahead in line and should not feel criminal for being in the right place at the right time.

If you then choose?out of the goodness of your heart?to allow someone who has been waiting longer to move ahead of you, that?s your decision. It sometimes feels good to allow someone to go ahead in accordance with your own ideas of fair play. But you should do it because you feel good about it, not because someone is muttering under his breath about how you cheated him out of his place in line or because you feel guilty.

Send your questions to ?Dear Aspie?! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. ?Dear Aspie? reserves the privilege of editing for spelling and clarity, and brevity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: What Are the Rules for Changing Lines? appeared first on Wrong Planet.