Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates?

/

Dear Aspie:
“I am in my 20s and I have problems with friendships and relationships. I’ve been told by exs that I’m not capable of having a relationship and I think they’re right. I don’t know if I can love – I don’t love anyone I know and I tend to care about my cuddly toys and computer equipment more than people. I try to be a good person, and do the things you’re supposed to do in NT-land, and be nice and friendly to people, but it’s just not enough, it seems. Can people like me realistically have friendships and relationships?”

–AlienGirl

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
“I am in my 20s and I have problems with friendships and relationships. I’ve been told by exs that I’m not capable of having a relationship and I think they’re right. I don’t know if I can love – I don’t love anyone I know and I tend to care about my cuddly toys and computer equipment more than people. I try to be a good person, and do the things you’re supposed to do in NT-land, and be nice and friendly to people, but it’s just not enough, it seems. Can people like me realistically have friendships and relationships?”

–AlienGirl

I want to discuss a myth that may or may not be influencing you.

Among aspies, there’s a myth that goes something like this: “NTs (Neurologically Typicals) socialize because they gain glorious, heartfelt relationships that fulfill them and bring them warmth and joy.” Well, go say that to an NT. You’ll get roars of laughter. They’ll tell you in a twink that statement is nosense.

So why do NTs indulge in so much mingling and sparkling, chatting and joking?

The important point to understand is that socialization is by and large a game for NTs. You’re an aspie, so you’re likely unaware of it, but when you go into a party full of laughing, drinking people, you’re actually stepping onto a gigantic chessboard. On this board, NTs are competing for mates and sex, social position, admiration, money, power, and just about anything else you can think up.

Now, you probably find this incredible. “Why would they play games like this with people they purport to like?” Well, most NTs love the game of socialization. Not only that, they assume everyone else does, too, so they don’t think of it as offensive to play the game with one another. Moreover, they are so deep into the game that few are aware of it. But really, it fuels their interest in attending gatherings. They get a rush from the game, like a good set of tennis.

Therefore, much of the socialization you see hides maneuvers, and it’s neither genuine nor lasting. Please … don’t think I’m saying NTs are a band of insincere psychopaths manipulating each other for kicks (well some are, but that’s another rant…). NT genes hardwire the behavior in, and they assume you play the game of socialization at parties, and that’s all.

Now, we aspies don’t see our way in this game clearly, if at all. That’s why aspies can’t stand parties, and why the myth arises. We walk into a room of smiling, laughing people, and we put ourselves in their positions: “Boy, if I were laughing and talking with somebody like that, I’d feel great. I’d feel sincere and connected.” Then we assume that NTs feel that way, too.

But wait! We don’t see the deficit. We don’t sense that social acumen brings with it a curse of constant, compulsive gamesmanship and hiding of one’s true identity. NTs at a party compare well to gambling addicts: they can’t stop playing at socialization even if they wanted to. Ever wonder why droves of NTs wind up at therapists saying, “I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore, I feel like everything is a lie”? Well, the game is playing them, and at that point, it’s no longer fun.

Now, to tackle your problem: can aspies have real friendships and relationships? Yes, they can. But you’re not going to find them in the usual places. Friendships need a basis. If you go to parties and sit around the keg trying to base your friendships or loves on playing the socialization game, you will almost certainly be smashed and ignored.

Thank goodness, there are alternatives. Certain activities minimize the amount of competition within the group in favor of competing against another group or achieving some common goal. Sports are a good example. Or if you’re not athletic, bird watching clubs, chess clubs, church food drives, dancing lessons, collecting clubs … and the list goes on. The important point: these activities place you on the same team as the people you’re sharing space with, not in social competition with them. And in these activities, you’re much more likely to run into some bloke who’s looking for someone just like you.

Now, based on what we’ve gone over here, I would like you to consider that your previous relationship failures and friendship mishaps may have sprung—at least in part—from getting involved in a game you were not equipped to play. Those people likely demanded moves of you that you didn’t comprehend. When you didn’t respond as required, you seemed hopeless to them.

But we know you’re not hopeless. You just didn’t know which games to pick and which to say, “Um, no. Not playing that one.” And by the way, you can love. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be making such an effort to find a way to relate to all these NT weirdos. Best wishes. :^)

Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to [email protected] Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

6 thoughts on “Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates?”

    Comments

    • URL on February 27, 2015

      … [Trackback]

      [...] Read More here: wrongplanet.net/dear-aspie-can-aspies-make-friends-and-have-dates/ [...]

    • extend wifi range

      [...]please visit the websites we stick to, which includes this 1, because it represents our picks through the web[...]

    • Forex Gemini Code System

      [...]we like to honor many other internet web-sites on the internet, even when they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Beneath are some webpages really worth checking out[...]

    • Google on May 28, 2016

      Google

      Just beneath, are quite a few totally not related websites to ours, however, they’re certainly worth going over.

    • Google on July 1, 2016

      Google

      Below you will locate the link to some web pages that we believe you must visit.

    • videos on October 7, 2016

      videos

      [...]we like to honor quite a few other world-wide-web web-sites around the net, even when they aren?t linked to us, by linking to them. Beneath are some webpages really worth checking out[...]

Leave a Reply