Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship?

Dear Aspie:
“I haven’t been in a long-term relationship for about six years. I’ve tried some dating, but by the time I feel that I have successfully secured a relationship, more often than not I realize that I haven’t taken the time to get to know the woman and she’s not what I had believed she was and I bail out. So how do I continue to “bust a move”, convincing a woman that I’m worth her while when I feel like I need her to show me who she is as well? I seem to have a knack for finding the women that tell me that they love me after knowing me for less than a week. I feel so screwed, so damned to be dateless. Why bother? Except I am lonely, and I hate it.”

–littleoctagon

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
“I haven’t been in a long-term relationship for about six years. I’ve tried some dating, but by the time I feel that I have successfully secured a relationship, more often than not I realize that I haven’t taken the time to get to know the woman and she’s not what I had believed she was and I bail out. So how do I continue to “bust a move”, convincing a woman that I’m worth her while when I feel like I need her to show me who she is as well? I seem to have a knack for finding the women that tell me that they love me after knowing me for less than a week. I feel so screwed, so damned to be dateless. Why bother? Except I am lonely, and I hate it.”

–littleoctagon

If science’s forays into human behavior have taught us anything, it is that our behavior has a mind-boggling complexity to it. This includes aspies.

One almost magical pattern that nevertheless has a scientific basis is the idea that we “pull in” certain types of people. It’s like relationship karma. Everybody has seen it: the man who says he wants a committed relationship but can’t seem to refrain from hooking up one-night stands. Or how about the sweet woman who swears she wants a nice guy but dates one abusive jerk after another?

You’ve spotted a pattern like this in yourself. You’re pulling in women who will pretend to be something they are not so that they can immediately enjoy the shelter of a man’s love. As an aspie, you’re a sucker for such a ruse, because you don’t sense the game they are playing intuitively. You jump in, and only then does it dawn on you that the pool is full of maple syrup.

So that leaves us with your last question: “Why bother?” Well, maybe your pattern is a way for your subconscious (so to speak) to sabotage a relationship you don’t really want. Ask yourself, “I say I want a relationship, but I’m not making it happen, either because the relationship is bad or not there at all. Is it really what I want?” You may find that you really don’t want a relationship right now and are seeking one only because these days the entire developed world is in a frenzy over sex, egged on by advertising, entertainment, the Internet, and wacko social norms.

If you do want a relationship, then I recommend changing the one thing you seek to change in others: be up-front and truthful about yourself. Rather than trying to “bust a move”, as you put it, be yourself—to a fault. Be kind, but let your true nature come out in full view, and say what you think.

Now, many women will be turned off, since most people can’t handle autistic behavior. It’s too honest and too raw. This will be difficult for you to bear at first. But a few women will be drawn to the real you, the honest, childlike, beautiful you. They’ll find you fresh and exciting. These women will be different, not the ones you’ve pulled in before, the ones who compulsively seek to be sheltered and taken care of at the expense of everything else. No, these will be strong women, ones who esteem honesty. And they will have the desire to show you their true selves just as you’ve shown yourself to them. You will have an entirely new basis for relationships.

It takes courage for an aspie to show his true self to others. It goes against a lifetime of hiding and shame, because we think everyone would rather see an act we put on. But the act is pulling in relationships you don’t want. So bear it all and break the pattern. We’ll be rooting for you!

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