Dear Aspie: How do I learn to Flirt?


Dear Aspie:

“I’m a 20 year old guy with Asperger’s who’d really like to have some kind of romantic relationship, but I’m finding a lot of barriers in my path and I wonder if you could shed some light on my situation. I’m utterly at a loss to understand how to flirt… The suggestions I’ve been given set off alarm bells in my head of intrusive behavior and being otherwise imposing or even creepy, despite being told point blank that it’s what I need to do.

I hardly need to tell you that sending “signals” of any kind is often difficult for people with Asperger’s, and I’m no exception. Do you have any advice on how to learn to flirt, so I can stop (apparently) blindsiding women and start approaching them the way they expect to be approached?”


Read on for BeenThereDoneThat’s response!

Dear Zaq:

I’ll tell you a secret. Most NTs (I am not one, but I have a lot of friends who are) have exactly the same problem you have. A romantic relationship takes time. You don’t try to get deeply involved with a girl on the first date. If you pick the right person (and that is really hard and it takes time) you won’t have to “flirt.” Especially if you’re meeting women online, or going to bars it’s really hard, and single women who go to bars usually aren’t looking for a dating relationship.

You need to get yourself into a situation where you see and talk to the same girl again and again (I don’t mean be pushy about it). School is a good place. Wrong Planet is a good, safe, online place, and church clubs are a good place. Flirting isn’t the important part of a relationship anyway. Getting to know the other person so they want to be with you is more important.

Being a good listener is more important. Sometimes asking a girl about herself, and then sitting back and listening for an hour with an occasional question that’s on the topic that she’s talking about is a good technique. Women have the same fears as men (well, a little different, but basically the same), and there is no “right approach” to a woman, because not all women are the same.

And, if after all of this, on about the third date, you tell her you have feelings for her (and you really have to have feelings for her….it can’t just be a line), and she says “get lost,” or something like that, then smile, walk away, and start again. There are lots of women out there. I’d say the same thing if this letter were from a woman. (and if you read some of the forums on WP, you’ll see that some women are just as concerned about meeting people as you are). You will not win every time. But it only takes one “yes.”

– BeenThereDoneThat

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