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I hate when people recommend stuff to me

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cubedemon6073
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01 Nov 2020, 12:54 am

KT67 wrote:
Should is a rude word.

For most things.

Nts throw it about cos they don't think about the meanings of words properly. Or tend not to anyway.

We ought to not use this as an excuse to be imprecise ourselves.

It's easy to reword it.

Polite, non forceful, recommendations include 'I enjoyed ... perhaps you would too?' or 'I noticed ... it has ... elements that you like, maybe you would like to check it out?' or 'did you know your favourite actor is in ...?'

The words maybe and perhaps allow for more freedom than words like 'should' and esp words like 'must'.

Reserve words like 'should' for moral judgements. Words like 'must' for moral judgements or safety advice. You must wear a seatbelt in a car. You shouldn't watch horror movies around little kids.

I'm lucky that the only people who would recommend things to me and know me well enough know that this is an annoying habit that actually puts people off doing it. They just mention things they've watched and if I fancy it, sometimes I watch it too.

Me and my cousin do exchange books. With books this usually works well. With TV it works really badly - she's NT and used the 'you should' with me and I ended up watching Normal People and feeling guilty over stopping doing so cos it was so boring and nuanced and NT.


And, maybe we ought to get rid of all of this political correctness nonsense. Come on! This isn't a formal research paper. More than likely they have no ill intent and ya you will have the occasional a**hole.

What next? If I don't hold my tea cup the right way and stick my pinky out I'm considered rude?



KT67
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06 Nov 2020, 6:02 pm

Or maybe you could be better at understanding long passages when on an autism forum? Just a thought.

I mean come on, NTs are adults. (Or shouldn't be recommending TV shows to adults).

I was less than 10 years old when I learnt what 'should' means and how it's rude to use it incorrectly.

All having a semi passable vocabulary (basic stuff like 'should' versus 'could' versus 'might like') requires is regular reading. Books are fun. All having a professional vocabulary (harder words the general public might not know) requires is reading up on your work/studying your work. Less fun, probably, but part of being a professional in that job.


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cubedemon6073
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07 Nov 2020, 3:03 am

KT67 wrote:
Or maybe you could be better at understanding long passages when on an autism forum? Just a thought.

I mean come on, NTs are adults. (Or shouldn't be recommending TV shows to adults).

I was less than 10 years old when I learnt what 'should' means and how it's rude to use it incorrectly.

All having a semi passable vocabulary (basic stuff like 'should' versus 'could' versus 'might like') requires is regular reading. Books are fun. All having a professional vocabulary (harder words the general public might not know) requires is reading up on your work/studying your work. Less fun, probably, but part of being a professional in that job.


You do realize I'm autistic myself.

Second, <content removed>

Third, all of what is considered rude is just an artificial construct anyway which none of us ever had a vote in defining.



Last edited by magz on 07 Nov 2020, 6:08 am, edited 1 time in total.: Personal attack removed

Teach51
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07 Nov 2020, 3:45 am

Lunella wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Lunella wrote:
They've literally thought of you enough to recommend something to you because they care about you...
OR, they think so little of you that they feel the need to control your life for you by telling you what you HAVE to do, what you NEED to do, and what you SHOULD do.

A person who truly cared about you would word their advice in the form of a suggestion. It might benefit you to remember this.


You know what you should do, chill your beans. :lol:

I disagree anyway. Most people mean well when they recommend stuff. If the person is an a***hole then you should have already figured this out by their other actions and then you would know it isn't a genuine recommendation it's someone literally being a control freak.



:D I tend to agree. Suggestions are usually just a way of sharing positive experiences. Fnord has a point and I know that correct wording is important to him.

When teaching modals like could should would, I often demonstrate by asking my students to do a role play.

Could you open the door please?

I can, but I won't.

From now on will make recommendations that go like this..... I saw.... you may like it.... Have you seen....? I loved it. Have you tried....? I found it great.


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07 Nov 2020, 3:53 am

cubedemon6073 wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Or maybe you could be better at understanding long passages when on an autism forum? Just a thought.

I mean come on, NTs are adults. (Or shouldn't be recommending TV shows to adults).

I was less than 10 years old when I learnt what 'should' means and how it's rude to use it incorrectly.

All having a semi passable vocabulary (basic stuff like 'should' versus 'could' versus 'might like') requires is regular reading. Books are fun. All having a professional vocabulary (harder words the general public might not know) requires is reading up on your work/studying your work. Less fun, probably, but part of being a professional in that job.


You do realize I'm autistic myself.

Second, <content removed>

Third, all of what is considered rude is just an artificial construct anyway which none of us ever had a vote in defining.



Hi cube, I missed you. Frequently NT's misuse modals when suggesting and recommending and the recipient of the suggestion usually focuses on the essence of the suggestion and the good intention rather than the appropriate choice of modal, I agree. Still in China? How is it going?


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Last edited by magz on 07 Nov 2020, 6:10 am, edited 1 time in total.: cross-posting personal attack removed

cubedemon6073
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07 Nov 2020, 4:33 am

Teach51 wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Or maybe you could be better at understanding long passages when on an autism forum? Just a thought.

I mean come on, NTs are adults. (Or shouldn't be recommending TV shows to adults).

I was less than 10 years old when I learnt what 'should' means and how it's rude to use it incorrectly.

All having a semi passable vocabulary (basic stuff like 'should' versus 'could' versus 'might like') requires is regular reading. Books are fun. All having a professional vocabulary (harder words the general public might not know) requires is reading up on your work/studying your work. Less fun, probably, but part of being a professional in that job.


You do realize I'm autistic myself.

Second, <content removed>

Third, all of what is considered rude is just an artificial construct anyway which none of us ever had a vote in defining.



Hi cube, I missed you. Frequently NT's misuse modals when suggesting and recommending and the recipient of the suggestion usually focuses on the essence of the suggestion and the good intention rather than the appropriate choice of modal, I agree. Still in China? How is it going?


Teach, it's going great here and I love my job. It is a lot though especially when some of the students barely know english and I have to teach programming which is a language onto itself to those who barely know english.

I think next year I will do assigned seats and pair students who know english proficiently with those who is struggling with it.



Last edited by magz on 07 Nov 2020, 6:11 am, edited 1 time in total.: cross-posting personal attack removed

Teach51
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07 Nov 2020, 4:49 am

cubedemon6073 wrote:
Teach51 wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Or maybe you could be better at understanding long passages when on an autism forum? Just a thought.

I mean come on, NTs are adults. (Or shouldn't be recommending TV shows to adults).

I was less than 10 years old when I learnt what 'should' means and how it's rude to use it incorrectly.

All having a semi passable vocabulary (basic stuff like 'should' versus 'could' versus 'might like') requires is regular reading. Books are fun. All having a professional vocabulary (harder words the general public might not know) requires is reading up on your work/studying your work. Less fun, probably, but part of being a professional in that job.


You do realize I'm autistic myself.

Second, <content removed>

Third, all of what is considered rude is just an artificial construct anyway which none of us ever had a vote in defining.



Hi cube, I missed you. Frequently NT's misuse modals when suggesting and recommending and the recipient of the suggestion usually focuses on the essence of the suggestion and the good intention rather than the appropriate choice of modal, I agree. Still in China? How is it going?


Teach, it's going great here and I love my job. It is a lot though especially when some of the students barely know english and I have to teach programming which is a language onto itself to those who barely know english.

I think next year I will do assigned seats and pair students who know english proficiently with those who is struggling with it.



I am so thrilled that you are enjoying your job!! Well done you, that's brilliant and so very courageous of you.

That sounds like a good strategy. You could also suggest or even demand as a pre-requisite that students do an on-line basic English course before registering for your course. Well done cube, you have made my day. :heart: The British Council provide free online courses ( they used to I don't know if they still do). I would be happy to help you find a good course to recommend. Perhaps they have a solution at the institution where you are employed?


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Last edited by magz on 07 Nov 2020, 6:12 am, edited 1 time in total.: cross-posting personal attack removed

KT67
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07 Nov 2020, 5:22 am

cubedemon6073 wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Or maybe you could be better at understanding long passages when on an autism forum? Just a thought.

I mean come on, NTs are adults. (Or shouldn't be recommending TV shows to adults).

I was less than 10 years old when I learnt what 'should' means and how it's rude to use it incorrectly.

All having a semi passable vocabulary (basic stuff like 'should' versus 'could' versus 'might like') requires is regular reading. Books are fun. All having a professional vocabulary (harder words the general public might not know) requires is reading up on your work/studying your work. Less fun, probably, but part of being a professional in that job.


You do realize I'm autistic myself.

Second, <content removed>

Third, all of what is considered rude is just an artificial construct anyway which none of us ever had a vote in defining.


Autistic people use long paragraphs sometimes. Not all of us but quit insulting those of us who do when we use them correctly.

Autistic people are pedantic sometimes.


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Last edited by magz on 07 Nov 2020, 6:12 am, edited 1 time in total.: cross-posting personal attack removed

KT67
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07 Nov 2020, 5:25 am

Teach51 wrote:

:D I tend to agree. Suggestions are usually just a way of sharing positive experiences. Fnord has a point and I know that correct wording is important to him.

When teaching modals like could should would, I often demonstrate by asking my students to do a role play.

Could you open the door please?

I can, but I won't.

From now on will make recommendations that go like this..... I saw.... you may like it.... Have you seen....? I loved it. Have you tried....? I found it great.


Yes that's how I find it too.

My favourite suggestions come like this "I know you like ... I saw ... which is like ... Perhaps you would like it?"

My stepdad recommended Fargo to me that way. Not seen it yet but put into a positive frame of mind that way.

My cousin said I "Should" watch Normal People. Because she liked it. It was tedious.


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cubedemon6073
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07 Nov 2020, 5:49 am

KT67 wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Or maybe you could be better at understanding long passages when on an autism forum? Just a thought.

I mean come on, NTs are adults. (Or shouldn't be recommending TV shows to adults).

I was less than 10 years old when I learnt what 'should' means and how it's rude to use it incorrectly.

All having a semi passable vocabulary (basic stuff like 'should' versus 'could' versus 'might like') requires is regular reading. Books are fun. All having a professional vocabulary (harder words the general public might not know) requires is reading up on your work/studying your work. Less fun, probably, but part of being a professional in that job.


You do realize I'm autistic myself.

Second, <content removed>

Third, all of what is considered rude is just an artificial construct anyway which none of us ever had a vote in defining.


Autistic people use long paragraphs sometimes. Not all of us but quit insulting those of us who do when we use them correctly.

Autistic people are pedantic sometimes.


1. Comparisons of your behavior to someone else's behavior is not an insult.

2. Maybe you should quit thumbing your nose down at people thinking you're so better than them.

3. Not everyone thinks like you.

4. Again, what is considered rude is but an artificial construct. Sort of like the whole eye contact thing NTs demand.



Last edited by magz on 07 Nov 2020, 6:13 am, edited 1 time in total.: cross-posting personal attack removed

cubedemon6073
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07 Nov 2020, 5:51 am

Teach51 wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
Teach51 wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Or maybe you could be better at understanding long passages when on an autism forum? Just a thought.

I mean come on, NTs are adults. (Or shouldn't be recommending TV shows to adults).

I was less than 10 years old when I learnt what 'should' means and how it's rude to use it incorrectly.

All having a semi passable vocabulary (basic stuff like 'should' versus 'could' versus 'might like') requires is regular reading. Books are fun. All having a professional vocabulary (harder words the general public might not know) requires is reading up on your work/studying your work. Less fun, probably, but part of being a professional in that job.


You do realize I'm autistic myself.

Second,<content removed>

Third, all of what is considered rude is just an artificial construct anyway which none of us ever had a vote in defining.



Hi cube, I missed you. Frequently NT's misuse modals when suggesting and recommending and the recipient of the suggestion usually focuses on the essence of the suggestion and the good intention rather than the appropriate choice of modal, I agree. Still in China? How is it going?


Teach, it's going great here and I love my job. It is a lot though especially when some of the students barely know english and I have to teach programming which is a language onto itself to those who barely know english.

I think next year I will do assigned seats and pair students who know english proficiently with those who is struggling with it.



I am so thrilled that you are enjoying your job!! Well done you, that's brilliant and so very courageous of you.

That sounds like a good strategy. You could also suggest or even demand as a pre-requisite that students do an on-line basic English course before registering for your course. Well done cube, you have made my day. :heart: The British Council provide free online courses ( they used to I don't know if they still do). I would be happy to help you find a good course to recommend. Perhaps they have a solution at the institution where you are employed?



I don't have control over their pre-requisites. But, I do wonder though if there was a way I could obtain their proficiency scores.



Last edited by magz on 07 Nov 2020, 6:14 am, edited 1 time in total.: cross-posting personal attack removed

KT67
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07 Nov 2020, 5:57 am

Comparing someone to a comedy character (fictional) who was made to be insulting is insulting.

Learn how people think. Yes, the way I think can be typical of autism. Stop being against it.

I have superior vocabulary to people who don't use words correctly. I am not going to be ashamed of my superiorities in certain areas just as I am honest about my inferiorities in others.

People who don't use words correctly come across as children.


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07 Nov 2020, 6:20 am

It seems a cultural norm on English-speaking social media, that correcting one's language - especially in insisting manner - is interpreted as picking on them.
Please, keep it in mind.

Comparing a person to a caricatural comic character is a form of personal attack.

Now, please, stop derailing the thread.

Thank you.


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07 Nov 2020, 6:37 am

I think that my experience of such language has been shaped by the fact that every time I got told 'should', the person was either a teacher telling me to read something for class or uni, or got it wrong.

Not every book or film I saw for uni or school was enjoyable but I should read them in order to progress on the course.

There's no reason why I 'should' enjoy Normal People for eg. Just because she does.

People who know me well, recommend things in terms of giving reasons.

If someone said 'If you enjoy fantasy, you should watch...' I don't think I would find that quite as insulting, even if they got it wrong. It wouldn't be purely based on their own enjoyment.

I avoid going around saying 'you should watch this cos I like it'. In my experience, it's either met with 'I don't like that' (in which case sorry I put you through it, I need to learn to understand you better before recommending things) or 'I've already seen it' (in which case my recommendation was a waste of time).

Instead, I recommend things only to people I know a lot of the media habits of. My stepdad has a habit of refusing to watch anything that gets recommended to him too much. So instead of recommending things to him, I say 'do you mind if I watch...' (a thing I like and think he would like too) then put it on if he says 'I don't mind'. Then he gets into it.

With my mum, she doesn't mind me suggesting things but I still base it on 'you like ... have you tried ...'.

Sometimes with my dad cos he has trouble separating fantasy from reality, I tell him not to watch things I enjoy. I tell him I'm enjoying for eg Chilling Tales of Sabrina but if pressed on it I tell him he wouldn't like it. If it's something more like a lighthearted comedy, I tell him he might enjoy it because it's light hearted and similar to things he likes.

It's really just a case of putting yourself in the other person's shoes, giving them reasons why, and thinking about those reasons why in the first place yourself. Not everyone will enjoy the same things as you. Some people hear the word 'should' and go out to immediately watch it and feel defective if they don't enjoy it.


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07 Nov 2020, 6:54 am

magz wrote:
It seems a cultural norm on English-speaking social media, that correcting one's language - especially in insisting manner - is interpreted as picking on them.
Please, keep it in mind.

Comparing a person to a caricatural comic character is a form of personal attack.

Now, please, stop derailing the thread.

Thank you.


One of my pet peeves is when a person looks down on others and thinks they're better than others. And, when they think they're so superior that they refuse to look outside of their narrow minded box. It really grinds my gears!

Anyway, I disagree with your judgement on what a personal attack is but I will respect it nonetheless and won't make comparisons like that anymore, I respect you as a person and I do think you're a decent and fair moderator.

So, it's all good!



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07 Nov 2020, 7:02 am

KT67 wrote:
I think that my experience of such language has been shaped by the fact that every time I got told 'should', the person was either a teacher telling me to read something for class or uni, or got it wrong.

Not every book or film I saw for uni or school was enjoyable but I should read them in order to progress on the course.

There's no reason why I 'should' enjoy Normal People for eg. Just because she does.

People who know me well, recommend things in terms of giving reasons.

If someone said 'If you enjoy fantasy, you should watch...' I don't think I would find that quite as insulting, even if they got it wrong. It wouldn't be purely based on their own enjoyment.

I avoid going around saying 'you should watch this cos I like it'. In my experience, it's either met with 'I don't like that' (in which case sorry I put you through it, I need to learn to understand you better before recommending things) or 'I've already seen it' (in which case my recommendation was a waste of time).

Instead, I recommend things only to people I know a lot of the media habits of. My stepdad has a habit of refusing to watch anything that gets recommended to him too much. So instead of recommending things to him, I say 'do you mind if I watch...' (a thing I like and think he would like too) then put it on if he says 'I don't mind'. Then he gets into it.

With my mum, she doesn't mind me suggesting things but I still base it on 'you like ... have you tried ...'.

Sometimes with my dad cos he has trouble separating fantasy from reality, I tell him not to watch things I enjoy. I tell him I'm enjoying for eg Chilling Tales of Sabrina but if pressed on it I tell him he wouldn't like it. If it's something more like a lighthearted comedy, I tell him he might enjoy it because it's light hearted and similar to things he likes.

It's really just a case of putting yourself in the other person's shoes, giving them reasons why, and thinking about those reasons why in the first place yourself. Not everyone will enjoy the same things as you. Some people hear the word 'should' and go out to immediately watch it and feel defective if they don't enjoy it.


So, can I expect others to put themselves in my shoes as well? You want me to think of it from your perspective. Will you try to think of it from mine as well please?

I've had people telling me what I should do, how I should act, how I should carry my f*****g jacket, how not to stim, how not to do this or that because it isn't normal, proper or socially acceptable while at the same time telling be to be myself.

If I'm around you or post in your threads what else do I have to do to avoid being improper around you or Fnord? How many rules do I have to follow in order to even have a conversation with you?

And, some of the reasons I had difficulties getting a job in the USA and had to move to China was because of things like lack of proper eye contact or not shaking hands with that proper grip others want. So, I can't get employed in the states due to artificially, constructed, arbitrary social BS.



Last edited by cubedemon6073 on 07 Nov 2020, 7:05 am, edited 1 time in total.