How to feel like you deserve something?

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Hello everyone, and thanks for this great forum!

Since graduating high school and moving towards college, I've had many issues over self-confidence and motivation. Like most AS sufferers, I focus most of my interests in predominantly one field, and that of course being computers; again a typical interest for someone with AS. Unfortunately I didn't use this interest positively for the 19 years of my life thus far. Since most of my interest in computers came from online games, everything practical that I did learn about the computer was only done out of necessity (if computers acted like consoles, and there was no OS, I would never had learned any of the things I know now about Windows). Whenever I help someone with their computer problems, especially my parents, I always feel like they are patronizing me. While there are a good many things that I don't require a tutorial to accomplish, most of the time when I'm trying to solve a computer problem I start with Google. From there it's just a matter of following a step-by-step procedure, usually for nothing too complicated. And when my parents seem surprised, I don't understand it because most of my friends possess these skills, which shows me that what I know is not really that special. I am now majoring in computer science, currently a sophomore, and I feel really unsure about the major. After finishing my introductory C++ and Java courses, I noticed that anyone that seemed to have a real future in programming seemed to be the type of kid that started it when he was 10 years old, and was foreign (I do not mean this to be prejudice, but the majority of CS majors seem to be Asian or Indian, who I see as being highly motivated because of their parents, who instilled a hard work ethic into their kids at an early age). Since my only experience before these classes was a little bit of basic programming on my TI 89, I immediately felt anxious, although I found that I immediately took somewhat of a liking to programming and halfway through the year all my roommates were requesting my help, and I even made a little money doing peoples projects for them. The same deal occurred in class, and I would usually do 75% or more of the work in all of our group projects. This fact feels good to me, but I still can't get past the feeling that I've wasted most of my life with video games. As sad as it may seem, I used to have a dream of playing video games competitively for a living, and in the majority of my high school years, I was spending time practicing on FPS games. While this has given me a little admiration from my friends, because they love to watch me whenever we LAN together, I feel more and more like a gymnast practicing for the Olympics, but then either having a serious injury and never being able to compete again (funny enough I used to have the signs of carpal tunnel), or then realizing that my passion and the ability to hold this passion as a career is not possible. I'm starting to get more more comfortable with myself for this year since I met my first roommate, and while I felt our interactions were somewhat awkward, I overheard him on the phone talking about me to someone and he said I was a cool guy, his only complaint being I was young (he's 25). But I can't seem to take the same mentality towards girls, even though I've been called cute, and known that I am at least decent looking. So why is this the case? But then I realized it yesterday by looking through Facebook. Because I've narrowed my interests so much, I have little in common with people, and I don't feel like I deserve the companionship of anyone. I've read a few self-help books, which tell you to act as if you were a certain person; to try on a personality. When I really get into the mood of this, I can be confident and I can somewhat talk to people, but I have very little to passionately talk about, or I can't think of an appropriate response to what was said to me. I want to broaden my interests, but I just feel so numb to everything else. I feel the only way for me to be worthwhile is for me to take a year to study my demographic, and force myself to like the things that everyone else likes and to have more variation in my life. I don't know what to do and I even been attending therapy sessions for people with AS since 11th grade.

• too long; didn't read: I am unsure of my future or of my knowledge, and am always stuck in this emotional rut. How can I be more comfortable with my school progress, and be comfortable with the company of others, despite feeling inadequate?

Comparing yourself to others will only make you depressed and envious. Concentrate on being better than you used to be. Remember, first and foremost you're in college to better yourself, regardless of how others around you do. Focus on what you can learn and improve about yourself, in the classroom setting as well as socially when you interact with other people. Forget about the people who always seem to do stellar without trying; everybody has weaknesses and skeletons in the closet but they just don't show them to you. You're also a human being so don't be too hard on yourself! A lot of AS folks have unrealistic expectations of themselves, so make sure to take an honest look at yourself. You'll make mistakes and you'll make many more, and that's ok! Making mistakes is how people learn, so... in a way I hope you make a lot of mistakes. It'll only make you a better person, so in that respect you're kinda in a win-win situation: if you do really well, that's an obvious win, but if you make a mistake and learn from it, then that's also a win.

It's scary for everybody when they take a leap like going to college, but in time you'll see it as a very rewarding experience. Undoubtedly it will be a very trying and difficult one, but it's something that'll make you a lot stronger and wiser as a result. At least you'll have that to look forward to, even if the day-to-day grind wears on you a bit. If you concentrate on the things you can control, then you conserve your own energy and self-esteem by not wasting time and energy on the things you can't control. It'll be good practice for the rest of your adult life.

Hope that helps some!

I see what you're getting at, in that I shouldn't worry about the abilities of others and only focus on my own growth...but it's like I don't fit into any group! I'm not in the true sense a nerd, and I hate the term coupled with AS; my parents think of me as a little professor, but I try to show them I am not as smart as they are willing to believe. The trouble is I see confidence as being directly correlated to life experience, and everyone in this apartment complex has a confidence that more or less matches their life experience. This is what I mean by "How to feel like you deserve something?" When I am acting "as if" and using a confident persona, it starts to fall apart when I start to realize how mundane and boring my life has been. It doesn't help that I look many times towards my dad, who is an EXTREME extrovert and has so much knowledge about, well everything, that he can keep a conversation going for as long as he wants. I guess I'm asking how I can fake this confidence, both in front of people and in my own mind, when it all feels so unwarranted. It was suggested to me to just make time to read the paper, or find a interesting magazine, and use these stories to create rapport, but I still have that nagging feeling in my head. In this case I'll call it the devil on my shoulder, who tells me using stories is just cheap, it isn't a real way to talk to people. Rambling about a bunch of stories doesn't show your individuality, it shows that you can regurgitate some facts and say you're for or against something. If that all makes sense...

I have the same problem. I worry about what others think of me as a I walk through the halls of my university. What you need to do is realize that what others think of you is not in your hands. You have to concentrate on getting that paper and tell people you'll see them later. You cannot concentrate on what people think of you. It is isn't the way to do things. As hard as you may want to be others, you cannot. There is just as much fault in others as in yourself, because we are all human. You may say you have AS but another person may have a more debilitating disease that they are not showing you. Let us both forget about what people think and how they act towards us, and let us worry about finishing university , getting a job, and relaxing.