Am I abusive? Warning, very long

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First of all I left school and having found my attempts to hold down a manual job such as bar tending or working a cash register lasted no more than a day due to dyspraxia I found voluntary work in an adventure playground for children 'with special needs and their siblings' the latter addition forming the basis of their claim to be an inclusive facility, that and the fact that children without disabilities were allowed to go there at certain times of day. In general though, the vast majority of the children there were disabled. I've never been diagnosed with Asperger's but I saw many of my own personality traits in them.

The staff were typically well-meaning and it was there that I was introduced to the concept of the social model, if in a somewhat distorted form. I often questioned why it was that if it was society that was at fault for excluding a child with autism for being different and 'self-isolating' he or she should be pressurised into playing with others as if his or her nature was flawed. This however was not always the case. The children at the centre were able to persue their own interests and enjoy obsessive play if that was what they preferred much of the time. I've never been diagnosed with Asperger's but I saw many of my own characteristics in them.

After some attempts to gain full-time work elsewhere which fell through I began college and the university where I spent the next five years. When I left I went straight into a job in a school. I had begun to realise I had been fortunate never to have been subjected to segregated schooling as it had been a possibility at one point and knew I could no longer work in a 'special needs' environment. I had experience working with children and knowledge of the autistic spectrum so I became a support assistant for a boy of six with Asperger syndrome in his class, working with the rest of the class at the same time.

He was a bright articulate child with friends and many aquaintances with whom he got on. He could be kind hearted and I clearly remember him taking care of another child who was ill. Sometimes A would make a mistake in his work and not be able to cope with it because he wanted it to be perfect and thought he hadn't done well enough. It was usually when there was some additional pressure, for instance if there was a change of routine e.g. a supply teacher. Although A generally got on well with other children who were too young to see his difference, occasionally a child would provoke him. These were children who just picked fights with anyone and weren't singling him out, but he reacted easily. I realise how difficult it must have been for him to respond quickly in an appropriate way before his impulses siezed control of him and caused him to lose his temper because of the similarities Aspergers has with my own condition. It certainly bought back childhood memories. Everyone encouraged A to stop and tell and adult.

A was often scolded for stimming- head tapping etc. by members of staff which he responded to in the shortterm although I felt he couldn't help doing it. Howevwe at first I did the same thing as them as I thought that he must have consistancy and it wasn't fair for him to be told two different things. However sooner or later I made up my mind to stop doing this as it only seemed to serve to frustrate him. I have a very strong suspision he never stimmed to cause deliberate provocation as was suggested he sometimes did. Other staff seemed to have some way of telling when certain behaviour was acceptable or not from one moment to the next. It seemed to work but I didn't understand it.

The other assistant that worked with A had a great rapport both with him and the rest of the class. He had a wonderful way of making work fun and entertaining, of getting on the children's level. At one point that was something I was told I was good at doing but that ability seems to have gone downhill somehow. I tried to use any time available to engage in conversation with A and get to know him better but it rapidly got to a point where A would refuse to speak with me about anything he was interested inand I didn't want to force it, there was no reason why he should have to be 'friends' if he didn't want to but I tried to make it clear that the option was always open.

One day a supply teacher was there. A lay on the floor and refused to get up and I admit that I tried to lift him as I knew any other teacher or assistant would do in an instant. As I don't have normal strength and coordination and A had decided to become a dead weight (he may well have been desperate to gain control of what for him was a chaotic, stressful and frustrating situation) it was impossible for me to lift him and so I stood over him instead. I realised that concerned as I was that he could have been trampled on I could have hurt him. Because of my lack of bodily awareness I knew I had to guard against over-compensating for my lack of physical strength by avoiding the most minor physical intervention, even though it's the dome thing. A spent the afternoon running under tables and refused to come out. I wasn't going to drag him out as I'm sure many people would as not only am I too slow to do that he is a child, not a rag doll. All the same I felt that before I made the decision not to intervene physically in this way I was unwittingly heavy handedas I wasn't engaging my body and mind to effectively act with empathy towards another human being. Another time A climbed on top of a table and lay with his head pointing toward the floor and being powerless to remove him from a potentially dangerous situation I ended up repeating myself firmly over and over again, saying get up or you'll hurt yourself. He wouldn't get up and I was petrified that he'd fall and bash his head. I've come to the point where I don't believe in physically handling children the way I see other people do although it seems to be the accepted norm, one that works a good part of the time, at least temporarily. There's got to be another way round it I just can't work out what it is.

A had a ‘time out’ desk at the front of the class which was meant to be a place he could either when he was sent or of his own volition to have peace and quiet when overwhelmed and needing to ‘chill out’. He wasn’t meant to see it as a punishment but if we knew his frustration levels were rising it was where we were meant to sent him to. When I asked A to go to his desk he would almost always refuse to, unaware of his increasing frustration leading to the point when it was out of control. I would tell him again but everyone else would take the ‘no nonsense’ approach and ‘steer’ him (gently direct with an arm) towards the front of the class. They would often lift A quickly from his seat using minimum intervention but I was unable to do either of these things, not being coordinated enough.

Instead I would find myself repeating and repeating instructions again and again or else trying to reason with him. No wonder he said ‘I don’t like her she tells me what to do’ I must have sounded like such a nag! Again I felt I need to be consistent. I felt I needed to communicate more and more effectively than others. I often don’t think I have the best body language or vocal prosody and that these are hampered by lack of confidence. I seem to have trouble finding words and regulating the way I speak in tandem. I’m amazed at how easily teachers appear to be able to change their tone of voice. I don’t seem to have that automaticity to make my voice do what I want it to do in a split second. I feel this is something I’ve got to learn to do. I also stammer and stumble over words.

I adopted the method of being encouraging as I could towards A. I aimed for twelve or more positive statements about him an hour, to complement him on any good behaviour or fantastic work he’d done and to say why I thought it was so admirable. It was pretty easy to do this as he had so many positive qualities. He would comfort other children who were sad and write involved stories.

One thing I refused to do was yelling or shouting however often I heard others do it. I believed in raising my voice firmly when necessary but when this proved to be ineffective I decided just once to give shouting a go, after all I had been advised to be firmer. I let rip and my voice became a roar far louder than anyone else’s. A ceased what he was doing but looked very scared- it had worked for that moment but I felt I had lost control for that second which frightened me. I never shouted again and feel utterly ashamed of the incident.

I was told that I was too over critical by the head although as I've already said, the class teacher said I wasn't firm enough which was pretty confusing. A definitely seemed angry at me as I was told he was, also by the head. I just didn't seem to communicate with him the way the other members of staff did. He seemed to be in so much pain around me and I was told I did the right thing by not taking the job permenently. I lie awake worrying about him. I hope he grows up accepted by those around him or keeps his self-worth when someone has a problem with him. I hope he achieves to his full potential at school and manages to hold down a job. I hope I haven't damaged him the way I was damaged by teachers, I could never forgive myself. I'm told if you respect a child you get respect back which is what I tried to do but maybe I was disrespectful in some way I didn't notice. Does anything I've said make it sound as though I was? I consider the constant criticism and humiliation I recieved from some teachers at school abuse. Maybe I'm repeating the pattern. I just can't tell.

I don't see any abuse of any sort from what you have described. Just seems like and the kid weren't quite a good match. It happens. Its nothing to do with you or him just luck of the draw. I work at a summer camp for SN kids, and sometimes kids just get along better with one counselor and not another.

You should give it another try perhaps with another kid.