So far, nearly every job I’ve had has been endlessly aggravating to me, the overwhelming majority of the time due to the customers and the crap that spews from the holes in their faces. This is a chronological account of the annoying jobs I’ve had, and the irritating crap that I would deal with at each of them. This is not a full work history, as I have had a couple jobs that were actually pretty cool. Being a baker was a great job. I spent all day alone in a small bakery, making bread and listening to music. Dealing weed was by far the best job I’ve ever had. The money was good, the customers were cool, and all I had to do was answer my phone and have money. The job practically does itself. That being said, every other job has sucked.
Pizza kitchen:
- “I’d like your large pepperoni pizza special for $7.99, but instead of pepperoni I want sausage.” The special is a pepperoni pizza. When you take all of the pepperoni off, it is no longer a pepperoni pizza, and therefore is not $7.99.
- “I have a coupon for a medium cheese pizza. Can I use the coupon to get a large hamburger and mushroom pizza instead?” No.
- “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” Alright, but I just got done telling you that it won’t be ready for 20 minutes. Just because you’re in a hurry or didn’t think to order far enough ahead, you want me to give your order top priority over the 15 other people that ordered before you? You can be here in ten minutes if you really want to be. Your pizza still won‘t be ready for twenty minutes.
Grocery Store: (in one of the kitchens)
- “Can I get the All-You-Can-Eat buffet to go?” The girl who worked there before me got fired for letting people do this. People would pay $6.99 for the buffet and leave the store with two full paper grocery bags full of whatever food they wanted. People would genuinely get upset with me when I told them that the buffet is dine-in only.
Fast food drive through:
- “Is it too late to change my order?” (As I’m leaning out the window handing them their bag of food) I’m holding you order right in front of you, there are 4 cars behind you, you’ve already paid; YES it’s too late to change your order.
- “I’d like a bacon double-cheeseburger, large fries, onion rings, two sides of ranch, an ice cream sundae, and a large…..hmmmmm…..diet Coke.” I’m pretty sure the soda isn’t the problem, lard-ass.
- “Is it possible to get a cheeseburger without ketchup?” No, not possible. We are completely incapable of making a burger without putting the ketchup on it. Nobody has every successfully made a cheeseburger without ketchup, the concept is just crazy. If you want us to leave the ketchup off, there is a very simple and direct way to ask.
Wal-Mart:
- “Do you work here?” (at least 5 times a night) I’m wearing a giant blue vest and a nametag. I’m standing over a dozen boxes of merchandise, that I am putting on the shelves at 3:00am. No, I don’t work here, this is just how I choose to spend my Friday nights.
Gas Station:
- “I need a pack of cigarettes.”
(I hand them a pack of Virginia Slims Menthol 120’s)
“ That’s not what I asked for!”
“It is, actually.”
“I need a pack of Marlboro’s.”
(I hand them a pack of Marlboro Reds, soft pack)
“ That’s not what I asked for!”
“Then get off your damn cell phone and tell me exactly what you want. I’ll play this game with you all night.”
- “Why the hell can’t I smoke here?” There are 14 fuel pumps within twenty feet of you, and all of them are running. The metal cage that you’re leaning against contains a dozen tanks of propane. You’d be doing the world a favor by taking yourself out of the gene pool, but the 30 other people that would get caught in the blast probably don’t want to die in a hellish firestorm today.
- “Do you guys have an ATM machine?” First of all, ATM machine is redundant. The ‘M’ stands for machine. That aside, there is a sign on the front door that says ‘ATM inside,’ and another very large sign directly above the ATM that says ‘ATM.’ It’s probably a safe bet that we have one. Or perhaps you were trying to ask where it was? Remove your head from your ass and spend two seconds looking around.
- “Your bathroom door is locked.”
“I know.”
“Is there a key?”
“Yes.”
“Where is it?”
“Behind the counter, with me.”
(Stares at me)
“Did you want it, or something?”
- “Do you know how to get to the interstate from here?” Yes, I do. Thank you for asking.
- “Excuse me, what state am I in?” We’re a couple hours away from the nearest state border. Apparently, she was trying to get to Lincoln, Kansas, but every time she asked for directions, she only asked the way to Lincoln. She ended up in Lincoln, Nebraska. Can’t exactly fault the people giving the directions, I didn’t even know there was a Lincoln, Kansas. Lincoln, Nebraska, is a state capital.
- “Gas prices are just ridiculous!” (Customer was driving a Hummer H2) When you knowingly purchase a wheeled abomination like the H2 that gets something like 8 mpg, you forfeit your right to complain about your fuel cost. The problem isn’t that a gallon costs $3.00, the problem is that $3.00 only gets you to the grocery store and back.
- “Gas prices are just ridiculous!” (Customer was driving a Corvette) You don’t have a problem dropping $40,000 on some fiberglass with wheels, or paying to insure it, but your $40 in gas is ridiculous?
- “Is your bathroom closed?” There is a sign on the bathroom door that says ‘Restroom Closed.’ There is an identical sign on the front door of the store. I just watched you read the sign on the front door, then go around and read the sign on the bathroom door, and then try the door to the bathroom. Then you walk back to the front of the store, read the sign again, and poke your stupid head inside to ask me if the restroom is closed.
- “Is your bathroom really closed?” On the rare occasion that somebody would actually read the signs that we posted, they would come inside anyway and ask me if the bathroom was really closed. No, we just put the signs up and keep the door locked so we can turn away the people that aren’t smart enough to see through our clever ruse.
- “I’m never shopping here again!” Look at me. I’m sitting behind the counter of a convenience store, paying more attention to my radio than you. I’m wearing a dirty hoodie, faded jeans, and sandals. I haven’t shaved in probably two months, and probably didn‘t shower this morning. I very clearly don’t give a s**t about my job. Exactly what part of that says “profit sharing?” I make the same crappy wage whether you buy your smokes here or not. So, if I had the choice, I wouldn’t want you shopping here anymore either, a**hole. But you’ll be back. You’ll go down the street for about two weeks and buy from a competing company ‘just to show me.’ Then, you’ll realize that teaching me a lesson is costing you more time out of your day since the entire reason you shopped at my store in the first place is that the location was convenient for you.
- “Your carwash is broken, I want my money back!”
“Did you enter your carwash code?”
“My what?”
- “Your stupid gas pump didn’t turn off and it overflowed my gas tank, now there’s gas all over the side of my car and the parking lot. You owe me a free car wash and a refund for the gas the ended up spilled!”
“Sir, can you tell me exactly what this says on the pump handle?”
“Umm…Do not leave pump unattended.”
“And where were you when this happened.”
“Inside, buying beer.”
“So, you left the pump unattended?”
“……”
“……”
”I ain‘t paying for no spilled gas!”
“You already did, you put your credit card in at the pump.”
“GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!”
“I’ll make you a deal. If you can figure out the exact volume of fuel that is on the side of your car and on the pavement, I’ll submit your refund request to my company personally.”
“What about my paint? Gasoline is bad for paint!”
“Then I suggest you get it off quickly. Here’s a stack of paper towels.”
“I’ll be calling your manager!”
“I sincerely hope so.”
(Actual conversation, verbatim)
Restaurant Kitchen:
- “This burger has pickles on it.” (from the wait staff) I know, I made it. The order does not specify that you wanted them left off. So, you didn’t enter your order correctly, I made it exactly as shown, and now you want me to back up the rest of my orders to make you a new one as fast as I can, just to save your tip? Forget it. The first one took 8 minutes, so will this one. This is your problem, not mine.
- “Why isn’t my burger ready?” I figured I’d go ahead and cook it first. I’m pretty sure that if I served an undercooked burger, whoever eats it isn’t going to care how fast their food got there when their slumped over their toilet vomiting.
Vitamin World (Retail):
- “Wait, this isn’t GNC?” Every supplement store is a GNC, every burger joint is a McDonalds, every cheeseburger is a Big Mac, and every car is a Ford. You might have noticed our name and logo on our uniforms. Or our nametags. Or on each of the 100+ signs in the store. Or on every single bottle on the shelves. Or on the 6 ft. by 8 ft. wall that has only our name and logo on it. The worst part about it is that once they finally realize where they are, they give me a bunch of attitude like I had been misleading them. What the hell do you want me to do? “Welcome to Vitamin World, we’re not GNC, how can I help you?”
- “Where is GNC?” We’re in a mall with probably sixty different businesses. There are literally hundreds of people that work here. Out of all the people that you could possibly ask, you not only ask someone that works for their only local competitor, you ask the manager of their only local competitor. That is just in remarkably poor taste. We sell the same things, cheaper. You don’t even look around or compare prices, you have your mind set on GNC and you want me to tell you how to go spend more money than you have to at my competitor’s store? I’m already not getting your business, you’ll get no help from me.
- “Are you guys closed?” Our displays are pulled inside the store, our gate is down, our lights are off, and I’m sitting behind the counter counting money and doing paperwork. Yeah, we’re pretty closed.
- “Are you open at all today?” (On Sundays, phone call) If we weren’t open on Sundays, there wouldn’t be anybody here answering the phone.
- “I want to lose about 20 pounds, but I don’t want to diet or exercise. Is there a pill for that?” Nope. Good luck losing weight while sitting on your couch eating ice cream, fatass.
- “What’s the best stuff y’all have?” We carry literally thousands of different products, that do hundreds of different things. Maybe you could be a little more specific. Chaste Tree extract is the best thing we have….for hormonal balance.
- “Excuse me, I’m looking for a product.”
“What can I help you find?”
“It’s called Triple-X, do you have it?”
“Sorry, we don’t carry that product.”
“But, I need it!”
“I understand that, but that won‘t make it materialize in my inventory.”
“You’re not going to check your computer?”
“Ma’am, I am the store manager. I have spent 40+ hours a week in this store for the past year. I handle our product orders every week, and our inventory every month. I assure you, that is not a product that we carry.”
“You’re being a prick. Looks like you’re not getting my business.”
“You’re being a b***h. I wasn’t going to get your business anyway. Now, leave.
(Actual conversation, verbatim)
- “You only have two of this item on the shelves, but I need five of them. You need to get some from the back.” If we had more than two, why wouldn’t they be right there on the shelf? Do you sincerely believe that we’re hiding the rest just waiting for someone to demand them? People seem to think that “the back room” is this magical retail wonderland where every product exists in an infinite quantity.
- “Where’s your greens?!”
“What can I help you find?”
“Where’s your greens?!”
“Is there a specific product that you are looking for?”
“Where’s your greens?!”
“I’m not asking you to repeat it, I’m asking you to be more specific.”
“GREENS!”
“……”
“Here they are!” (Grabs a multi-vitamin)
(Actual conversation, verbatim)
- “So, it’s 30-50% off every item?” There are dozens of signs around the store that say “30-50 off EVERY item!” Every day, I watch somebody read the signs, then turn to me and ask me to verify that it is actually a sale on EVERY item. Do you really need me to confirm what you just read on three dozen signs?
- “These herbs are non-irradiated? Oh, good.”
“Why is that good?”
“I don’t want my pills to have radiation.”
“The irradiation process uses radiation as a way to kill off living things that might be in there, like radiation therapy for cancer patients. Do you actually think that supplements and foods were becoming radioactive, and the process was approved for use? It makes things safer for consumption.”
“……” (Leaves)
- “Is this safe to take?” No, we stock our shelves with hazardous products. Killing our customers would really do wonders for our repeat business.
- “So, this is going to give me a ton of energy, right? No, that’s protein. If protein gave you a huge rush of energy, eggs and chicken would make you flip out. I hear parents tell their children this all the time. The kid asks what something does, and the parents obviously have no idea, so they tell the child that it gives you energy. I like contradicting them in front of their kids. Serves them right. They don’t know, so they’re spreading their ignorance to the next generation.
- “I heard from a friend of mine that saw a guy on TV that wrote a book about another guy who said that Calcium can kill you.” The worst part about these people, is that nothing you can say, no matter how right you are and how much evidence you can produce to support it, you will never be as credible as what their friend may or may not have heard from her aunt whose neighbor watched it on Oprah.
- “Is this creatine stuff good for your body? I read that it was bad for you, and that you should never have it.” That’s bad news, considering that you get it from meats and your body produces it on its own.
- “The old manager used to let me get everything 50% off.” That’s why she doesn’t work here anymore. Given the choice between keeping my job and giving you a deal you don’t deserve, guess which one I’m going to choose.
- “Hey, man. Uh, I need something to…uh…cleanse my system (winks). And, uh…like how fast does this kinda stuff work? Like, will it work in like…two hours?” It’s rare that anybody has to take a drug test that doesn’t have advance notice. If you’re interviewing for a new job, put down the pipe for a week or something.
- “Yeah, so this stuff is basically just protein and testosterone.” (One idiot to another, about N.O.-Xplode) First off, the product contains at least sixty ingredients, and a lengthy list of proprietary blends and patented formulas and such. So, it really isn’t basically anything. Ignoring that, the product contains neither protein, nor testosterone or any hormone precursors whatsoever. So, even if you could break it down into two basic components, you could at least pick two things that it actually contains.
- “I’ll need a signature on this receipt.”
“Sure.” (Signs receipt, and proceeds to black out their credit card #)
“Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing?”
“Oh, you don’t need my full number.”
“I do, actually.”
“No, you don’t. You only need the last 4 digits.”
“No, YOU only need the last 4 digits, since you have the card. Your copy only has the last 4 digits on it. That‘s my copy, and there‘s a reason it has 16 digits on it”
“You don’t need my number!”
“Look, if your charge doesn’t process properly and I have to prove to Visa that you owe us money, I need your full card number or else I don’t get money. Four numbers only allows for a maximum of 10,000 combinations of numbers. Do you honestly think that there are only 10,000 Visa cards issued in the world?”
“……”
“So, the only way for me to ensure that I can prove that you owe us this money is to have your FULL NUMBER on our receipt.”
“Well…I’m just not comfortable having my credit card number floating around like that.”
“Then don’t use a credit card. You either leave me a receipt with your full number on it, or you leave empty-handed. Your choice.”
“I demand to speak to the manager about this!”
“I am the manager. Leave your number, or leave my store.”
Beyond that, there are just certain types of customers that, while not necessarily saying anything stupid, just annoy the crap out of me. Some examples follow:
Sheep - They have no idea what they want, and any attempt to educate them is futile. They don’t want you to educate them so they can make an informed decision, they want you to tell them what to buy.
The “Regular” - They’ve been shopping at your store “for ten years” even though you’ve only been open for seven. You owe them for shopping here. They deserve discounts and free items and anything else they can try to con you into, because they’ve been such a loyal customer. Often, they try to ask you for “the usual,” even though you don’t remember what they get, since you have dozens of people that you see every week.
The Elderly - Just because I’m smiling and asking if I can help you, that doesn’t mean I want to hear your life story. I’m guessing your grandchildren don’t visit too often, and I don’t blame them. I don’t care how much a newspaper cost back in 1940. I don’t want to know what your kids do for a living. I understand that you’re probably lonely, but that doesn’t give you the right to inflict your company on me. Go find a bingo parlor or something. Usually, they will insist upon paying with a check. Checks take longer to accept and process than any other form of payment. Welcome to the 21st century, get a damn debit card. Being 80 years old doesn’t automatically entitle you to respect. If you walk into my store with a crotchety bitter old bastard attitude, don’t be surprised when I’m not accommodating.
Asians - Let me start of by saying that I’m not being racist or anything like that. I’m just pointing out a cultural difference. From what I’ve gathered, if you become unhappy in a store in Asia, all you have to do is glare and act angry and that gets you what you want. Every time we are out of something that an Asian customer wants, they get upset and demand that I somehow compensate them for it. You aren’t the only customer that we have. Every Friday we get our freight for the week. When you come in on Thursday, we’re not going to have the best selection. You don’t get 50% off your purchase just to keep you happy. That’s not how it works here. If we’re sold out of what you want, either come in earlier in the week, or place a product request and I’ll order some. When you intentionally come in and look for products that we are out of, or ask for a dozen of a product that we’re low on just to have a reason to get upset, you’ll only piss me off.
10 Nov 2007, 8:04 pm
