Helping son with college anxiety

Post Reply New Topic

I probably can't really help, but reading this thread reminded me of one of the fights I had with my dad in the way back when. With Berkeley and Standford both within theoretical daily commuting distance from where I grew up, my dad couldn't see the point in me applying anywhere else, and certainly not in me planning to live in a dorm. At the time, I just though he was being cheap (which he was). But ... after my son got diagnosed with AS, I came to realize my father most certainly was AS. And with that ... to him, living at home - where you get the food you like, and have all your things, while being able to attend a top rate scholastic program - would have been the best of both worlds. No wonder he couldn't wrap his head around me wanting to attend a "lesser" school that was further away. He didn't propose the commute just because he was cheap; he proposed it because it truly appealed to him. It is what he would have wanted if he had been in my shoes.

Most of us recognize that our AS kids are developmentally on a different path when it comes to independent life maturing, and your son may just not be emotionally ready for the transition. Some schools do now have AS transition homes, and things like that, which may help but, mostly, remember that while he is going to be super hungry for the intellectual challenge of college, he may not be emotionally ready to leave the nest. In which case, some compromises may have to be made.

I will say that my AS son has managed to push himself developmentally and emotionally when it has been needed most, and your son may, as well. If he really wants the college experience, he'll get his mind ready for the independence challenges involved. But, this isn't likely to be an easy or smooth thing. And, in my experience with my child, it isn't something we can really help with; they do it or they don't. They make the choice.

And I'm sitting here knowing that when my son gets to that age, he is going to be so happy to know he can live with family and attend a whole host of top quality colleges by commute. Just like my dad would have wanted to do.

I don't agree that would be "the best of both worlds" to most aspies.

With the exception of the roommate issue, dormitory living is actually very aspie friendly. Dormitories tend to be run by a faceless, remote university administration, so living in a dormitory generally involves the kind of mechanical interactions that aspies can deal with, as opposed to unpredictable human interactions that we're not so good at. I found living in a dormitory more friendly than living at home, as dealing with the administration according to clearly identified rules was substantially easier than dealing with family members who could be unpredictable.

Living on campus rather than at home also has the same advantage for aspies as it does for most people that it forces students to take responsibility for more of their lives. However, that's the kind of human factor that an aspie father might well overlook.

I think to my unique father, it would have been the best of both worlds. And, I think, to my son, it will appeal as well; he's a little too attached to me for his age (which can still change). But, that is two people, and not the entire AS population.

I like your description of dorm living, and how it could be suitable for many AS. But I'll ask a question: did you understand those benefits as a senior preparing for college, or only after having experienced it?

It's pretty obvious from the mother's description that the only reason he's going away to College is for College, "to grow up" and not to get an educaton.

I don't read that at all. And I just re-read the first post, to see if I can find what has you thinking this. Is the issue that the proposed education is liberal arts, and perhaps you don't see the value in that? If so, I can challenge your logic there.

I certainly preferred the prospect of living in a dorm preferably to that of living in a fraternity, those being the two options at the school I went to, and that was certainly because I thought fraternities overly social.

My parents thought it was a good idea for people to move out of the house to college, because of the experience with independent living, and I didn't question that. I don't remember if I actively agreed with it; to me it was a bit of a moot point as my preferred university was 1000 miles from home.