I dont like the mother my son requires me to be

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As a child I found it impossible to comply if someone was screaming at me in fact I found it impossible to do anything at all other than cover my ears or nothing if being screamed at. So I would say keep this in mind if the child is not complying while you scream at them.

MMJMOM - I don't have any advice (my sone is only 3 1/2 yo so we haven't gotten to this point yet) but I wanted to give you some ((hugs)). My heart goes out to you. These situations are hard on the children but they are also hard on the parents. I know you only want the best for you child and this must be tearing you all apart. I hope and pray that you will be able to find a solution for you and your family. Until then, just try and take it one day at a time.

I dont abuse my son. I dont scream all day long. He is loved and shown love more then anything else. He is given every great opprotunity and comes from a loving, caring, secure family. There are times when I HAVE to yell to get thru to him. And as I stated, I HATE IT!! ! It goes against everyting I am. There are times I HAVE to threaten his videon games or he WILL not comply. My kid gets EVERY opportunity, we are going broke paying every professional we can to help, not just HIM, US as well. We are only human, and stresed out to the max. It is completely different being a PARENT in the situation I am in. I cannot convey it all thru a post, but as I have stated my son is NOT abused, he is loves cared for and taken care of better then most kids with no issues. If I didnt care I wouldnt be asking questions, I woudnt be searching for answers. This am was a rough one with him, there has been NO YELLING since then. I dont yell and scream all day long or I wouldnt have a voice. He has had NOTHING but fun all day today, he is over it, I am the one sad and upset that I had to threaten and yell in order for him to follow ONE request.

My son is given every chance and opportunity, he gets specialists and groups, and I am a HUGE advocate for him. He is LOVED, hugged kissed told how wonderful he is, how swwet he is, how much we love him frequently. He gets to indulge in his special interests, he gets catered to, freinds over, anything he wants. I am a parent who apologizes and explains to my kid why I am upset, etc...

I posted for ideas, not judgement, you have no idea you dont live with us.

Ugh, I'm so, so, sorry. I was there several years ago, we had a good run for a while, and now we're back. I HATE being that kind of mother, too. Hugs.

Lots of people mentioned a visual schedule here - I'm curious, have you tried it? Have you tried writing him notes and slipping them to him instead of yelling? These things did and do work for us - but in the summer when I'm Mom 100% of the time, it's a little harder for ME to remember. We do have consequences, too, but we have to tweak them very carefully because if they're too stringent, he gives up and if they're inconsequential, they are useless. Right now, when I'm done counting down, I count up - and he loses 5 cents from his allowance for every number. We also take minutes off game time if he doesn't comply with closing the game in time.

I also spell it out: Do one more thing, and then turn it off (shoot one more time, jump one more time, etc.)

Another thing we do: when he hurts my feelings, I tell him so, and if I feel like crying, I don't hide it anymore. He doesn't like the yelling, but he doesn't make the connection between me getting to a point that I'm yelling and him having hurt my feelings with dismissive or rude language.

I so wish I had the ability to focus right now. Perhaps some time this weekend. I am unable to read the posts right now, so some of this may have been covered, or maybe someone will have said something that would make me rethink what I am about to say. But in the event that anything I have to say might help, I want to say it.

Up until about the age of 7 or 8, my son pushed me to tears on a daily basis. Seriously, I simply didn't know what to do with him anymore. The weird thing is that he is really a great kid. But especially from 3 to about 5 some days I felt just like you: I don't want to be this person. This crazy yelling person. I think the only reason the seriously craziness with him ended at 5 is because that was about the time my daughter was diagnosed and then I was so busy with her, he kind of faded into the background.

Here are things that have helped:

1. I do not yell. I feel like yelling and I feel like if I don't yell, nothing will ever happen, but I do not yell. Instead, after the 5 minute warning, the 3 minute warning, the 2 minute warning, and the one minute warning, I give a final choice that goes like this: "TV time is now over. It is time for your shower. You can walk to the bathroom, or I will carry you." If he (now she because this is more an issue for my daughter now) does not get up, I pick her up without a word, without a facial expression, without a sigh, without anything. I go straight to the bathroom and I proceed to get her in the shower with no words at all. This is perhaps what was meant by talk less and explain less. My son can argue all day long. And that is no exaggeration. At some point, arguing needs to stop and action needs to begin.

2. I remind myself, as frequently as necessary, that what I am seeing is not an argumentative, disobedient, bratty kid (sorry, that's how they look in the moment). I am seeing a kid with frontal lobe dysfunction. A kid who has a hard time switching attention from one thing to the next. A kid who needs my help.

3. If he can read, charts work. "You must do all of your after dinner tasks before you can get on the internet." Both my 6 year old and 10 year old can follow this. I don't have to tell them anything. I just keep referring them back to the chart until everything is done.

4. I remember that for my son, things need to make sense. He misses subtleties. So he has to reason his way through things. Oftentimes his questions are not meant to be argumentative. He is trying to understand. He sounds argumentative, but he is really just trying to figure out how to process what is going on. I remind myself of this.

5. I allow for some degree of questioning on some things. But then I will say "One more question, then we are done discussing."

6. Sometimes I give in to him. Because in talking to him, I realize he is right and I am wrong. Or I realize he has a very valid point. This flexibility helps him be more flexible himself.

7. I always try to remember that every moment in life can be a teachable moment and that I am modeling behaviors for both of my kids. This means that when I do mess up and yell, it is followed with an apology and a discussion about what led me to yell and how things might have gone differently. I do not focus the blame on them. I focus on what I could have done differently.

8. I try to re-package his behavior in a more positive light. My daughter is very stubborn. Which becomes "she has a strong sense of individuality." My son argues. Which becomes "he will never mindlessly follow the crowd."

My son, btw, is like a completely different boy at this point (10). He still questions a lot, but somehow it is no longer in a way that makes me want to rip the hair out of my head. Hang in there.

Another thing that may or may not be useful.

With my son, if he gets reprimanded/scolded/corrected/yelled at/whatever, and it is justified, he never cries. He sits there with a sullen look on his face and if you ask him about it later, he will say he was mad or disappointed in himself for getting in trouble. If he cries, however, I know I have made a mistake and failed to see something important. Usually, I back off at that point and tell him we can talk when he "gets a grip" as he calls it. Then when he is done crying, we talk about why he was crying. Usually, I learn a lot about how he was processing things at the time. And most of the time, I was missing a vital piece of information from his perspective.

This does NOT work with my daughter, however. She cries every time she perceives herself to be reprimanded. I say "perceives" because many times, I am not even reprimanding her. I am just failing to follow whatever script she has in her head. It does't matter if it was a deserved reprimand or not. It just matters that she was corrected.