"He's so social...."

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Yes my mother in law is like this. Thinks our daughter doesn't have it and tells eVERYONE I am lying about it. Just me of course, her precious golden son has been duped by me.

Everytime she visits we avoid going out anywhere (not just the aspergers, my MIL is a PILL) so she really never gets to see my daughter around other kids. Even with that, it is still glaringly obvious. My daughter wants everything on HER terms. Only wants grandmas IPAD, really doesn't want to interact with grandma. Not interested in typical "girl" or even "5-year old" things. She stims, bu my MIL just thinks she is being "rude" or "disgusting".

Anyway, I don't think she will be convinced any time soon. She keeps asking if our daughter "is better yet" or if she has suddenly "been cured" she does that to be a jerk because she thinks I'm making it up and will one day say she's gotten over it when I tire of playing that game. The reason she thinks that is because that is what she does. She is a total psychopath.

I think there are two problems in dealing with grandparents: one, that they bug the *&&*^ out of YOU. The other, that they bug your CHILD.

To us, I just sucked up the first one. My MIL has gotten on some idiot autism parenting listserve and keeps sending me "cure" emails, some of which are honestly not that bad - others of which make me sick to my stomach. I just delete them. I roll my eyes a lot on the phone and crab endlessly to DH.

However, when DS was diagnosed, we did write up a brief explanation and a list of rules for the family, including a request that everyone leave the parenting to us and nobody "back us up" (DS used to get a chorus of corrections when he did something wrong, instead of just from me or DH) and that sometimes DS needed to be alone and didn't like to be touched and we expected everyone to respect that. Just like with a kid, when those boundaries were tested, we simply re-stated the rule, extricated DS and moved on. No arguing, but sometimes we would say "thank you, but we are his parents."

OMG I hope Im a good MIL one day! I dont have a son though so it might be a bit easier lol.

My inlaws have now started to take this "firm hand" cure into thier own hands and have started telling her off when shes stimming around the dinner table and I leave her to it because in the grand scheme of things is it really that bad and if I tell her to sit down and eat she wont do it anyway and we would end up arguing. Oh well they can try but it wont work!! My BIL and SIL also make a point of showing me how to be a good mother by being firm with their own children then giving me a look, as if to say have you tried this with yours!? Then theres the random outbursts of sympathy for people with children with REAL disabilities and how awful it must be to have to deal with that, yes she has AS and is high functioning, I am lucky she will live a relatively normal life but theres still a lot of work to do to get there.

Grrrrr

Someone posted above, can't remember who, that its lucky they haven't tried to blame us for his condition. Actually, they have. We spent one miserable week with them at their vacation house where there is nothing for kids, all kinds of fragile stuff, and funky smelling water. Naturally, my kid got irritable and on the last night they sat us down to tell us he needed to see a psychologist because of his anger problem. I calmly asked what could be the causing this problem (knowing the real answer: spending time in this place) and MIL replied that "it has something to do with the way his parents relate to him."

Mom sparky, that's a great idea to make a list of rules and you are right about there being two issues. I've been tempted to let them have my son for a couple of days just to see what would happen but I dont want my son to suffer from their idiocy.

I know most people blame us for DS's behavior. I mostly have decided that I can't change that, but I can and will be an a$$hole about sticking to the parenting techniques we use to address it. I'm about to go to conferences and explain to his math teacher that taking a break in math class is a need not a want, and I'm sorry it is inconvenient but he has a legal right to that break, and she needs to stop making him feel bad about it.

I could care less if she thinks I'm an idiot, or a "helicopter parent" or whatever. She still has to do it. When my son goes to MIT, I will make sure to send an announcement to the Middle school and to all my extended family.

Personally, I never give up on anyone. I thought the original proposed statement was fine, although the "yes, he has worked hard to learn" is probably the best line.

The important thing is, to me, that one keeps things gentle. Small nudges that the other person can chew over in their own time.

I also find questions to be a great response to conflict. For the example in the first post, perhaps, "what do you think is typical social behavior for a child his age?" Allow the conversation to move into a more neutral area. And so on.

LOL, thanks, DW. There is a degree to which our kids teach us this attitude, right? After years and years of me and DH banging our heads up against a brick wall, we finally figured out that DS wasn't going to change. We started to realize we had to work with what was there...but somehow still hold DS accountable for the things he needs to do...and looky there! Once we went down that path, all kinds of good stuff happened!

So, I take what I learned and now I apply it to the rest of the world. I'm not going to try to change anyone who doesn't want to or can't change...but I am going to insist the world be accountable for what it is supposed to offer.

We get whining at home, I recognize it is part of the package. I just try to remember that it's part of the package in the rest of the world, too.

I get the same crap. When he talks too much, cries over something silly, makes a general aggravation of himself, he's "being manipulative" and "needs a good spanking." I should send him to bed without supper and take his nightlight away.

I want to punch them. I really, really, really want to punch them.

It is the same for me. There are no miscommunications, just failures on my part, just proof that I am ruining their precious baby boy's life, just reminders that, "We are here for HIM any time HE needs us." Reminders that, in other words, if I don't toe the line I will be out on my ass and they and their wonderful son will raise my kids. I am on sufferance.

I HATE them. I would love to tell them the sheer amount of crap I have had to clean up, about all the times their precious little white-collar shitkicker has hurt me, about what I could have done to him if I wanted to (if I didn't understand that I bring it all on myself by being "broken").

For a woman, there is no such thing as a good in-law. You will always be the interloper who will never be good enough for their precious son. You will never measure up to his mother. That's life-- and that's why I tell my daughters not to get married.

Grin and bear it and be glad when they're gone.

And yet all the mother in law jokes are about the wifes mother.... I dont know many women who get on with theirs tbh, autistic kids or not!