Dealing with people calling your child names

Post Reply New Topic

she is lucky she has you

^^^blessed are you both then

I tried to reply earlier but the captcha ate it...@OP--I think you sound like a very conscientious mom. I do not doubt that you are doing a good job. Aspies are high maintenance kids. Sometimes you can only do the best you can do.

If you didn't hurt for your kids' pain and difficulties at least somewhat, you wouldn't be a good mom. Doesn't mean you or your daughter are hiding your heads in the sand--just means you are human.

My husband cautions me about fighting my kids' battles for them. I don't want anybody messing with my kid either, and i have to be careful i don't come across as Mama Bear. I think that, especially in middle school and high school, it is a fine line.

But i also think that, from your other posts, it sounds like you have a good balance. You have to protect her from stuff like sexting, if she is too immature to use good judgment. I keep a watch on my kids' online activity as well. They are not allowed to take electronics into their bedrooms except with permission, either. Keeping the electronics in a central location frequented by all family members helps to keep kids honest. Although there is no foolproof way for this either. But all we can do is our best.

For what it's worth, you sound like a good mom.

The one thing my dad did that saved me from (most) things like unwanted sexual contact was to talk about it, and talk about it, and talk about it some more. Constantly. Weekly. More like daily.

And it STILL didn't entirely protect me. I was 14 when I started dating a guy for the first time. I only went out with him twice-- once to a 4H meeting, once I invited him over to play video games, both times ended up with his hands in my pants despite the fact that I kept politely saying "No." When dealing with hormonal teenaged boys, polite don't always cut it.

We were never even alone together. This s**t went down with the den door open, with his dad in the front seat of the car, during class while the teacher turned a blind eye. I would have had to stand up and scream to stop it, and I didn't because that would have made me "weird."

But, having had that experience and having learned to be uncomfortable with guys that were too forward probably spared me getting raped once I'd moved out on my own and there really was NO ONE watching.

Netted me a husband who's not a total dick, too. That can be hard to find in a guy. Especially when you're 21 (yeah, OK, I also married too young-- tell her not to be in a hurry to move out).

If it makes you feel any better, for all my talk about letting them fall (and I do believe in letting them fall, fight their own battles, etc), I protect my 14-year-old from social media abuses and sexting and such like by not allowing any of the crap.

She does not have a Facebook account.

She does not have a cell phone, "smart" or otherwise. She will not be getting one until she has a drivers' license, and a job to drive to.

She does have a tablet (that she and I share). She is not allowed to take it to her room, or the bathroom, or anywhere else. If she's using it, there's always someone hanging around, looking over her shoulder.

Because, yes, sexting and social media abuses do fall under the category of "things you know are wrong" that middle school kids (and highschoolers too, for that matter, but especially middle school kids) are happy to cajole and/or bully other kids into participating in (sometimes JUST so they can get "the nerd" in real trouble).

And, while there's NO excuse for failure to comply that middle school kids are going to accept, "My mom is a complete f*****g cop" at least lets them put the blame on someone else. Which might be easier to say than, "I don't think that's cool."

My kids both embrace their weirdness, and I think it is the way to go if it works for you/your family. My son, 14, knows his diagnoses and has since he was 7 (when he was first diagnosed). My daughter does not. She is 10 and was diagnosed when she was 2. She knows her brain works differently, but has never needed an explanation more than that, though I do think she may soon need something more.

When my son was in 5th grade, we went through a "things that make me a target" program that we made up. I relentlessly pointed out everything he did that was either not age appropriate or irritating/annoying. I felt horrible doing it. He, however, appreciated it. Before we did this, he knew he annoyed people and he knew he did things that made him a target for bullies, but he had no idea why or what. Knowing made him feel empowered. He then had the choice to do it or not (things like carrying asphalt around in his pocket and pulling it out and giving random people a lecture on facts about asphalt). He has always known, however, that he can be as weird as he wants at home. None of us care. Nowadays, there are a number of things that he will do at home that he would not do at school or in the presence of his friends (except his closest one). He recognizes they are socially inappropriate so he chooses not to do them. Other things are more important to him, so he does them regardless of what other people will think. But he has a choice, so I think it sits better with him.

I tell you this because it is possible that the feedback about what she is doing that is "annoying" could potentially be helpful for her. Remember, many people on the spectrum cannot take subtle hints or read body language, so unless it is plainly stated, they will never know they are being annoying. It all depends on the kid, though. My daughter would be crushed if someone called her annoying. She is super sensitive to what other people think. But it sounds like your daughter isn't sensitive to that. You might be able to use that to your advantage to help her learn to use the "feedback" to adjust her behavior when she wishes to.

I have been at this for years, and it is still difficult for me to not let things bother me when they don't bother my kids.

I am multitasking, which is not my strong suit, so please forgive me if this doesn't make sense.

^^^makes perfect sense

Is your daughter rule bound? By this, I mean, if she understands a certain "rule" for social interaction, does she feel compelled to follow it once she understands it?

Both of my kids are like this to varying degrees and it is very helpful. Once my son understood that there was a "rule" that you do not correct your teacher in front of the whole class, he stopped doing it, even though the rule did not make sense to him. In his mind, he thinks that when people are wrong, they should be thankful for being corrected, regardless of the setting or circumstances, because no one should want to continue to be wrong. I told him that his rule makes perfect sense, but that people, in general, find it rude for a child to correct their teacher in front of the class, so the rule is that you can't do it. He doesn't want to be rude, so he follows the rule.

In our house, we break a lot of social interactions down into rules. All social interactions have rules for everybody. The difference with people on the spectrum is they may not be able to implicitly identify the rules, so they are unable to follow them. By explicitly stating them, it is easier to understand what is expected.

Would it help to start identifying rules related to reciprocity and mutual benefit to your daughter? For example "When talking to your friend, it is important that both of you are interested in the topic. If both parties aren't interested, the rule is that you only talk about your favorite thing for 2 minutes, then you ask your friend questions to find out what they are interested in and you talk about that."

This reminds me of a cute story. One of my son's friends said to me "Mrs. LASTNAME, do you know why SONSNAME is my favorite friend? Because I can talk about minecraft for as long as I want and he doesn't care. In fact, he keeps talking with me!" Which brings up another idea...could you find other kids in her school who share her interest? Maybe talk to the guidance counselors about starting a club? Actually, a Sports Statisticians club would be an interesting thing...the kids could talk about the sports they love and learn how stats work, how you can use them to make predictions, etc.

When my son was younger, to help him understand this, I would sometimes say "I am bored. Change topics." Just so he could practice at home. But the truth is, when someone is monologuing, sometimes it doesn't even matter if you are listening, so I would usually just let him go on and on. But his peers weren't going to understand that, so he had to learn to modify his tendency.

Cross-gender friendships might be a good addition for her. I also liked sports as a child and being friends with boys was a good outlet to talk about things other girls are typically uninterested in. I had always had friends who were boys, as early as pre-K, but I acknowledge it may be misconstrued at 12 as something different. If she can swing it without getting signals crossed, it could be really helpful, though.[/quote]


She does seem to have a lot of friends who are boys. She likes that they can keep up with her sports knowledge.