I dont like the mother my son requires me to be
21 Jul 2012, 9:03 am
I was an extended BFing, babywearing, cosleeping AP mom myself.
I would still consider myself an AP mom, although you would not find most of my techniques in any book about AP. I do not have typical children, therefore I cannot follow parenting models designed to work with typical children.
Among many other things, I "attach" by having rules. I am not doing it to control them or to exert my authority over them. I do it because they need them, and I recognize that. Because rules calm my kids. They do not pick up on the subtleties. I have to lay everything out for them in scripts and rules so that they can function. I do not do it because I am controlling. I do it because the framework gives them a sense of control. Without it, they are left bobbing around in the water with nothing to anchor them. I can see this particularly in the case of my daughter. She rarely even really looks autistic to the casual observer anymore, but put her in a environment where she doesn't know what to expect and she unravels right before your eyes. She really does need me to tell her "These are the rules for going to a birthday party..." because she is never going to be able to figure them out on her own right now.
Are you mostly feeling the pain of not being able to utilize the principles of positive discipline? Positive discipline is a wonderful concept...but we have to remember that in theory, it is based on the notion that kids are "hardwired" to connect with others. I am not saying our kids can't connect with others. Clearly they can. But they are not "hardwired" the way NT kids are, so a theory that is based on NT hardwiring is probably not relevant. Not following it is probably the wisest thing to do.
People who do not know me well, may think that I have abandoned my babywearing, cosleeping roots. But the people who know me the best knew all along that I was going to be a great mother to my kids because I was going to be able to use my babywearing, cosleeping underpinnings to find a way to truly understand them. And in understanding them, sometimes I break the "rules" for AP. But I am not breaking the philosophy. If that makes sense.
I suspect you do the same, but that maybe you haven't realized that yet. Let go of your guilt, figure out what your son needs you to do, and then do it. Regardless of whether or not it seems "right" according to outside standards. That's how you strengthen your bond with him.
If there is one thing that I have seen as a common denominator in my past 5 years of interacting with adults on the spectrum who had varying degrees of rough childhoods, it is the feeling of being misunderstood by their parents. That's why I believe that no matter what we do as parents, and no matter what parenting model we ascribe to or create, it has to be grounded in understanding our kids at a fundamental level.
And I believe your AP roots give you a huge advantage in doing that.
21 Jul 2012, 9:16 am
this comes to mind when i read OP:
being "abused" with things like ABA don't make one a happy person that needs more orders to comply to…
in my view very understandable. the kid needs a life. not a bootcamp.
sorry for my harsh thoughts. like cockney certain aspects of the post remind me of the past.
i hope you soon can be the mom you really would like to be...
Sweetleaf
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21 Jul 2012, 9:34 am
I think the major part of this problem is that the child won't comply when he is asked nicely. What is parent supposed to do when they try every nice means they can think of and the child still refuses to do something that is important? I'm not trying to berate you in any way, I am asking you honestly because your insight could really help. If someone asks you nicely to do something and you don't feel like doing it right then do you just ignore them?
Well it usually not that I didn't feel like doing it, it was more like doing it too slowly, getting distracted or feeling unable to do it due to being overwhelmed. Then of course there are the times a kid is doing it on purpose which autistic kids are also capable of, maybe its a bit hard to tell the difference.
When the problem is being distracted or overwhelmed, what could someone do to help you get on task?
Not yell and scream for one....but with distraction either helping me me get on task by directing me worked or if the environment was made less chaotic then I could focus better. As for being overwhelmed the best thing was to not push and maybe let that particular battle go till I could handle whatever it was overwhelming me. But that is just what I remember from my childhood.....when people tried punishing or yelling over it then I just ended up feeling bad because they didn't understand I was trying to do what was asked but having a hard time with it.
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Sweetleaf
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21 Jul 2012, 9:38 am
I think the major part of this problem is that the child won't comply when he is asked nicely. What is parent supposed to do when they try every nice means they can think of and the child still refuses to do something that is important? I'm not trying to berate you in any way, I am asking you honestly because your insight could really help. If someone asks you nicely to do something and you don't feel like doing it right then do you just ignore them?
Well it usually not that I didn't feel like doing it, it was more like doing it too slowly, getting distracted or feeling unable to do it due to being overwhelmed. Then of course there are the times a kid is doing it on purpose which autistic kids are also capable of, maybe its a bit hard to tell the difference.
Yeah I don't start screaming till it really starts getting ridiculous. It's like my last resort.
Mostly she gets EXTREMELY distracted and I'm not sure what to do to keep her on task when she cant get through washing her hands or changing her underwear without getting diistracted.
I can see that but I also know yelling certainly doesn't help, that probably just makes her feel bad for not being able to do it quick enough...I mean I just remember how yelling was for me. Though I admit my mom did it kind of excessively not just on rare occasions if she was geniunely pushed to it....so I understand maybe its hard not to yell if you get frusterated.
and how is she usually distracted? by things in the environment or just trouble focusing?
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Sweetleaf
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21 Jul 2012, 9:44 am
TO answer a few Qs, my son wakes up at 7am and starts IMMEDIATELY begging for electronics, iPad, DS, Wii....yesterday he was explained that he had to take a bath in the AM, and if he got the iPad he PROMISED to turn it off at bath time without any issues. Silly me, of COURSE there woudl be issues. On a rare occasion he actually WILL comply, and shut it off expecially if we go over beforehnad what we will do, etc...but yesterday he was extra dfficult. My mistake yesterday, I was a fool to believe he would be ok turning it off. He begs and cries and promises, it is so early we havent gotten antyhing done yet, and we USED to have a rule, no iPad, DS or aything like that till 6pm. This way he KNEW he had to behave in order to earn it. Recently he had a surgery that involves a lengthy recovery (doc said a month of NO physical activity), so basically he is home and all he CAN do is watch tv, play video games, etc...I cant really be too strict about the electronics casue he will literally have nothing else to do. A few more weeks and we can go back to our usual routine with the 6pm rule!
Also, I dont YELL every request. Most of the day I am calm as a cucumber, and I simply state that he has to do X in order to not lose his electronics, and even that I hate I feel as the whole day is a bribe. I feel like I dangle carrots (well, electronics) in front of his face (not literally of course) all day long, in order to get him to comply, and that is so not how I EVER viewed parenting. If I never yelled in a day, and there are days I dont every raise my vioce, I STILL hate "carrot dangling" as a form of parenting. And he will CRY rivers about how unfair I am that I dont give him his electronics sooner. I am usually even and calm to the point that people will be in shcock after spending a day or a few hours how calm I am in light of his behaviors, tone of voice, non compliance, etc...
Uhh I don't want to seem rude, but what other goals do you have for him other than compliance? I mean that can be a good thing, but it's not the only thing. I mean maybe there is too much focus on that....I mean if everything revlolves around you trying to make him comply that does not leave a lot of room for communication and finding out the root issues and stuff and trying to improve things from there...sorry if I am getting the wrong impression that is just kind of how its come off.
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Sweetleaf
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21 Jul 2012, 9:53 am
I hate to say this but with all the yelling and screaming you do to him...how is he supposed to learn anything other than being an angry negative person? I mean you tell him you'll punish him if he yells at you or growls but then you yell and scream at him all the time to get him to comply? I mean maybe none of you are really like that but he may very well have the impression you are a negative angry person.
And as for not responding are you sure he is ignoring when he does this? I mean with the autism he might have trouble responding I have heard of some autistic people having that issue so I would look into that before you treat it as some sort of thing he does to spite you.
What does the ABA therapist say about the screaming and threatening?
I absolutely dont yell and scream all day long. Maybe 2x a day....if that. and THAT kills me. Sorry I made it sound like that is all I do. BUT I DO have to threaten his elevtronics all day long. I HATE parenting like this. I will very calmly and even toned say to him, "You have to do X right now, or the iPad will be taken away for today". He has wonderful role models about how to communicate, how to interact. I do my best on a daily basis, and when I crack we go over that too. I tell him mommy is sorry and that I got very frustrated becuase he wasnt responding, and it isnt the right way to talk and I Hope that next time we BOTH respond to eachother better. We go over everything, and I take responsibility for my part, something that he NEVER does.
The ABA tells me to do less explaining. To give LESS chances. To say, "Jayden in 5 minutes it will be bath time" To go back in 5 minutes and say, "Its bath time, now you need to go up the stairs and meet me in the bathroom". And if he doesnt reply, shut the electronic device and take it out of his hands. His theory is that he needs to learn that there are times when he needs to comply...bottom line. No explination necessary. I do a lot of talking thru the day, he has observed me talking Jayden thru everything, and told me to do LESS talking. I would normally say, "Jayden, its been a few days honey and your hair is getting stinky, you have freinds coming over later and I really need you to get in the bath this morning." He tells me to either do that BEFORE the request is made. Or not at all. Just tell him the warning so he is prepared, and then when to go, and if he isnt responding, take away his electronic device. He has also told me NOT to give ANY electronics unless he has worked for them. I agree, but this recovery after surgery has interfered with that.[/quote]
Alright I can understand that, and everyone gets frusterated and yells sometimes.
As for the ABA the issue I see is when he 'can't' comply or if he didn't understand how to and needed it explaining. I mean in that case needing to comply bottom line no explanation does not work too well. Also why does it always have to be a 'warning' why can't it be a request? I mean maybe that is more how you mean it but maybe from his perspective he feels people just demand him to do things rather then asking.
Also I am not sure what is meant by not giving electronics unless he has worked for them...I mean I would think it should make more sense if he is doing what he's supposed to or making his best effort he should be able to have electronics or other activities he enjoys in his free time.........I don't think having to do extra 'work' to get access to the electronics is a very good idea I don't think.
I mean the thing I don't like about what I hear about ABA is it seems their version of help is basically treating autistic people like robots with no emotions that are just here to please everyone else 24/7 via absolute compliance to neurotically expectations. I mean we are not blank slates that can be trained via being given rewards or having them taken away based on how normally we behave. So I guess my question is does this ABA therapist hassle your son about behaving autistically? or do they strictly stick to the things that are actually causing problems such as not listening till you get frustrated and yell?
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21 Jul 2012, 10:10 am
I mean the thing I don't like about what I hear about ABA is it seems their version of help is basically treating autistic people like robots with no emotions that are just here to please everyone else 24/7 via absolute compliance to neurotically expectations. I mean we are not blank slates that can be trained via being given rewards or having them taken away based on how normally we behave. So I guess my question is does this ABA therapist hassle your son about behaving autistically? or do they strictly stick to the things that are actually causing problems such as not listening till you get frustrated and yell?
That is usually what parents of autistic kids mean when they say "work." The kid is rewarded for doing what he is supposed to do by getting to do something he wants to do.
Your impression of ABA, btw, is nothing at all like what was implemented in my house. My daughter was never treated like a robot with no emotions and compliance is not even a highly valued behavior in my house. ABA (specifically VBA) taught her how to speak and it initiated her ability to learn basic skills. There are strong opponents out there that make it seem overly harsh and controlling, but most "current" practitioners are not that way. My daughter is almost 7 and she still remembers her ABA therapist from when she was 3. She loved her and thought she was a lot of fun. She still asks to see her. That is not to discredit the horrible experiences some people have had. Misapplied ABA can literally be abusive. But one dismisses a valuable tool for helping kids on the spectrum if they dismiss an entire approach based on the actions of disreputable and unethical practitioners.
21 Jul 2012, 10:14 am
TO answer a few Qs, my son wakes up at 7am and starts IMMEDIATELY begging for electronics, iPad, DS, Wii....yesterday he was explained that he had to take a bath in the AM, and if he got the iPad he PROMISED to turn it off at bath time without any issues. Silly me, of COURSE there woudl be issues. On a rare occasion he actually WILL comply, and shut it off expecially if we go over beforehnad what we will do, etc...but yesterday he was extra dfficult. My mistake yesterday, I was a fool to believe he would be ok turning it off. He begs and cries and promises, it is so early we havent gotten antyhing done yet, and we USED to have a rule, no iPad, DS or aything like that till 6pm. This way he KNEW he had to behave in order to earn it. Recently he had a surgery that involves a lengthy recovery (doc said a month of NO physical activity), so basically he is home and all he CAN do is watch tv, play video games, etc...I cant really be too strict about the electronics casue he will literally have nothing else to do. A few more weeks and we can go back to our usual routine with the 6pm rule!
Also, I dont YELL every request. Most of the day I am calm as a cucumber, and I simply state that he has to do X in order to not lose his electronics, and even that I hate I feel as the whole day is a bribe. I feel like I dangle carrots (well, electronics) in front of his face (not literally of course) all day long, in order to get him to comply, and that is so not how I EVER viewed parenting. If I never yelled in a day, and there are days I dont every raise my vioce, I STILL hate "carrot dangling" as a form of parenting. And he will CRY rivers about how unfair I am that I dont give him his electronics sooner. I am usually even and calm to the point that people will be in shcock after spending a day or a few hours how calm I am in light of his behaviors, tone of voice, non compliance, etc...
Uhh I don't want to seem rude, but what other goals do you have for him other than compliance? I mean that can be a good thing, but it's not the only thing. I mean maybe there is too much focus on that....I mean if everything revlolves around you trying to make him comply that does not leave a lot of room for communication and finding out the root issues and stuff and trying to improve things from there...sorry if I am getting the wrong impression that is just kind of how its come off.
there are absolutely other goals, but the main one is to follow directions. It is a HUGE ISSUE with him, he simply cannot. And if he continues this path as an adule, he will not have a good life. It sends alarm bells off in my head, I cannot just sit back and wish that he will get it one day, we need to actively work on him following directions. It is a huge, major stumbling block. Now, I did say in earlier posts, that the ABA did agree there is a time for creativity, a time for bending rules, and a time for letting him change directions...but there is ALSO time for him to follo just for the sae of following. he told me to try this 2x a day. Not an unreasonable or "abusive" request if you ask me. (I know you didnt say abusive but it as stated several times in others posts). Asking or requiring him to comply 2x a day, out of the WHOLE day, I think is reasonable. I would be THRILLED, ELATED, etc...if even ONCE he complies without a fight, moan, complain, question, etc...
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Dara, mom to my beautiful kids:
J- 8, diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD possible learning disability due to porcessing speed, born with a cleft lip and palate.
M- 5
M-, who would be 6 1/2, my forever angel baby
E- 1 year old!! !
21 Jul 2012, 10:21 am
being "abused" with things like ABA don't make one a happy person that needs more orders to comply to…
in my view very understandable. the kid needs a life. not a bootcamp.
sorry for my harsh thoughts. like cockney certain aspects of the post remind me of the past.
i hope you soon can be the mom you really would like to be...
Again, my son isnt abused. Why is actively working with a professional trying to get my son to comply 2x a day considered abuse? Isnt it abusive or MORE abusive, or NEGELCTFUL to allow him to sit on the computer, TV, iPad or vidoe games all day? It is more neglectful to NOT work on issues. We KNOW and we SEE he struggles with following any and all directions, we know if he continues on this path it will lead to a possibly difficult adulthood, or worse. But I am to just sit back and do nothing? Some of this work sucks for my son, I agree whole heartedly. I feel bad, he is a kid, he doesnt see the big pic, but I, as his mom sees the big pic. And I WILL NOT just sit back and hope and pray and ask the powers above to miraculously put a switch in his brain and he will just get it!
Just wondering how you would deal with a child who refuses to comply with ANY request, ever. What techniques would you use? Remember we have been thru a list of professionals, loads of interventions, thus far nothing has clicked with him. What are your ideas? I would lvoe to hear what you believe would work!
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Dara, mom to my beautiful kids:
J- 8, diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD possible learning disability due to porcessing speed, born with a cleft lip and palate.
M- 5
M-, who would be 6 1/2, my forever angel baby
E- 1 year old!! !
21 Jul 2012, 10:22 am
MMJMOM, I also have the issues with my daughter as you describe. I feel like none of the subsequent posters, while probably well intentioned realize the magnitude of what you are describing. For my own daughter NOTHING motivates her! Seriously, so trying to take away something as punishment means nothing. Counting means nothing. There is no time out because she will NOT stay in her room. If I walk away she will follow me. She just says "NO!" when a countdown reaches the end. Basically I have to bribe or entice to get her to do anything.
Now, here's the strange part---she is not like that with ANYONE else. Why? She is afraid of everyone else but she is not afraid of me. People have said, "you need to let her know who's boss". There is NO letting my daughter know who is boss! When she is home she does what she wants-although I am a world-class briber and enticer.
When any other person is added to the mix things become VERY bad. For instance my friend is staying in our home this weekend. Last night we went to dinner in the car. Cars are very bad for my daughter and she cried/whined loudly the whole way home (escalating) which leads to aggression, screaming, and very, very unruly behavior once we get home. Then it's so hard to get her to a private place where she can vent unil she falls asleep (which she won't do alone so I am neglecting my guests for 1+ hours while I attend to my very upset daughter and my house is pretty small so they hear everything). Most people would look at that behavior as needing to be corrected but it is standard in our lives when a meltdown occurs, if I punished that we would never do anything!
My daughter has really been escalating this week and she had a meltdown and pounded on the windows (which is a big no no for safety reasons) and she was supposed to go swimming the next day. I told her she wan't going. She then went into super bad meltdown and put a hole in her bedroom door while screaming at me for 1+ hours while I layed on my bed deep breathing trying to stay calm and not respond. Seriously, who "doesn't respond" when their kid is putting holes in their door? Me...and that makes me feel like the most ineffective parent on the planet, like I am raising a child that will be in detention or worse jail, because she cannot control her behavior. She blames ME for not being able to go swimming and cannot see the connection between her behavior and the consequence of not going. It is a vicious cycle, with no learning going on, and more resentment and feelings on both our parts of defeat and failure.
It's not always like this but it is at times. I cannot figure out why sometimes but I think summer is just a chaotic time when the schedule is off. I feel like I have to be a shut-in for her to stay calm at times which is such a sacrifice and I don't think it's good to sacrifice your whole life for your children. I will not be a martyr but sometimes I feel like one.
21 Jul 2012, 10:41 am
Mama to Grace,
we have very similar children. Back in the day, I ALWAYS heard, "You need to be tougher, you need to show him who is BOSS, You are too kind, nice, gentle, soft spoken..." you name it, I heard it. When he was younger he NEVER sat in a time out chair, or his room, he would ome right our or get right up. Seriously? What do you do??? You cant do anything!! !
My son used to not care about antyhing either. I could take anyting away he didnt care. Only recently this video game obsession he cares about. My son would be the type to play with specs of dust, or his fingers. He was content with anything and nothing. The only thing he hated was being alone.
My son is also better with most people, his dad, myself and a very close freind he is terrible with. but his speech, OT, group teachers, his karate sensies, his swim teacher, etc....he is such a perfect angel. I am glad he can hold it together for them, but then he explodes on us. And it isnt that he is afraid of me or hates me, as I said earlier, when we go to the weekly therpy the therapist asks him how he is getting along with mom, and his answer is always a BIG hug and smile to me, and he says GREAT!! ! He has NO IDEA! When I bring up issues, he shrugs it off. When he is hurt or upset he wants ME only. WHen we talk tot he therapist, and I say I yelled, or I took away the video games, werent you angry or upset? He says nope. I thin he gets upset in the moment but thne he is completely over it. DONE. I hold onto the sadness, the hurt. He, thus far, hasnt. Unlesshe is completely fooling every professional we ever go to, it appears that he is unscaved by all of this that makes me batty! Maybe that is a god thing? Maybe that explains WHY he never learns from the punnishments, cuase they dont effect him once the moment is over???
Same here, I am very fearful he will break laws and go to jail. BOTTOM LINE. I dont have any other expectations for him except being a law abiding citizen. I dont care what ath he chooses. If he wants to wotk at McDonalds and play video games, as long as he is following the boss and paying his bills, I will be a very proud momma!! !
My son also blames me for his meltdowns. He ha a HUGE one at a feinds house casue their Wii broke, and it was incapable for them to play. All he heard was ME sayiing you cant play Wii, he didnt hear "because its broken". He blamed the entire meltdown on me, and if I had just let him play he wouldnt have screamed and yelled. WHAT?????? He was melting to the point of anging his head in the wall, screaming, thrashing around, and chanting, "Wiii, wiii, wiii" repeatedly. But its my fault his freinds wii was broke...
I hear ya, we travel this journey together.
I will never give up on my son, no matter what anyone thinks. I have to go to be every might knowing I am doing 100% to help him live a productive adult life. If one therapist or plan isnt working, we try try again!
_________________
Dara, mom to my beautiful kids:
J- 8, diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD possible learning disability due to porcessing speed, born with a cleft lip and palate.
M- 5
M-, who would be 6 1/2, my forever angel baby
E- 1 year old!! !
21 Jul 2012, 10:47 am
There is a Work Before Play system I found in Parenting Your ADHD Child that I'm trying to implement. Basically you devide the day into 4 timeperiods, and in each period you define the "work" that has to be done before playtime. For mornings the "work" might be get dressed, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, etc. After all the tasks are complete, the kid gets to have playtime (iPad) until the end of the timeperiod (eg time to leave for school.) The structure of this might be helpful for you -- counter the begging with "First your morning things, then iPad", and eliminate the need to make PROMISES to be good later in exchange for getting the iPad now.
It feels similar to me to the 6pm rule, just done several times a day.
You have good reasons for allowing MORE electronics than usual during this recovery period, but you can still bring structure to what needs to happen before the electronics are allowed.
21 Jul 2012, 10:50 am
I mean the thing I don't like about what I hear about ABA is it seems their version of help is basically treating autistic people like robots with no emotions that are just here to please everyone else 24/7 via absolute compliance to neurotically expectations. I mean we are not blank slates that can be trained via being given rewards or having them taken away based on how normally we behave. So I guess my question is does this ABA therapist hassle your son about behaving autistically? or do they strictly stick to the things that are actually causing problems such as not listening till you get frustrated and yell?
That is usually what parents of autistic kids mean when they say "work." The kid is rewarded for doing what he is supposed to do by getting to do something he wants to do.
Your impression of ABA, btw, is nothing at all like what was implemented in my house. My daughter was never treated like a robot with no emotions and compliance is not even a highly valued behavior in my house. ABA (specifically VBA) taught her how to speak and it initiated her ability to learn basic skills. There are strong opponents out there that make it seem overly harsh and controlling, but most "current" practitioners are not that way. My daughter is almost 7 and she still remembers her ABA therapist from when she was 3. She loved her and thought she was a lot of fun. She still asks to see her. That is not to discredit the horrible experiences some people have had. Misapplied ABA can literally be abusive. But one dismisses a valuable tool for helping kids on the spectrum if they dismiss an entire approach based on the actions of disreputable and unethical practitioners.
Ditto! and the ABA we have is widley used, respected, and is kind and gentle in his approach. He treats my son with respect, and mostly works with US on how to effectively deal with my son. He works with him too, but his goal is to help us, to teach US, casue again, my son has difficulties generalizing skills. He may learn to repsond ot hte ABA one way, and to us another. He wants US to do the work as well, so he learns to follow the plan and learns to respond to US as well.
_________________
Dara, mom to my beautiful kids:
J- 8, diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD possible learning disability due to porcessing speed, born with a cleft lip and palate.
M- 5
M-, who would be 6 1/2, my forever angel baby
E- 1 year old!! !
21 Jul 2012, 11:00 am
This is my daughter as well. One thing that absultely frightens her is being alone. The worst punishment possible would be leaving her alone to panic...and I have never used that as it is just too cruel in my opinion. I will let her meltdown in her room as I lay in my room listening, and she will panic, scream for me "Please mommy, I just need to hear ONE OF YOUR WORDS!" She is insecure and will vomit in fear if she thinks I am not near when she meltsdown. She calms faster if I hold her but I was afraid that was positive reinforcement to the meltdowns so I instead give her verbal encouragement to calm down. I know this is something other than "behavior" when it gets to this point because she becomes purely primal & reactionary, unable to reason, so I have to "ride out the storm" at that point. But there IS "behavior" leading up to the incident and it is controllable and should be corrected when it is "out of bounds" (rule broken, unsafe behavior, etc). But when correction leads to grand mal meltdown what choice do you have but riding them out? Letting a child do/say/act however they want, with no consequences is not beneficial to them in the long run.
21 Jul 2012, 11:30 am
same here, and agree 100%. Once he is in meltdown mode, I am there for him to soothe and help him ride it out. I cannot let him go it alone. I dont agree witht he behavior beforehand, but that meltdown is a complete and different entity in its own. Once started he has no control, he cannot make eye contact, he cant string a sentence together, etc...
_________________
Dara, mom to my beautiful kids:
J- 8, diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD possible learning disability due to porcessing speed, born with a cleft lip and palate.
M- 5
M-, who would be 6 1/2, my forever angel baby
E- 1 year old!! !
21 Jul 2012, 9:47 pm
The ABA tells me to do less explaining. To give LESS chances. To say, "Jayden in 5 minutes it will be bath time" To go back in 5 minutes and say, "Its bath time, now you need to go up the stairs and meet me in the bathroom". And if he doesnt reply, shut the electronic device and take it out of his hands.
I agree with this and it works here. One reason is that there are circumstances in which compliance should be expected without arguing. 8:30 is bedtime every night. So when I tell you it's bedtime, there is no reason to discuss it. It's because that is the rule.But even when it comes to things that are not so cut and dry, explanations do not work in the heat of the debate because I find that no one is interested in hearing what the other person is saying (including me, but particularly him because he is a kid), but both sides are interested in achieving their goal. So talking about the "why" works better before the power struggle begins. As in "Tomorrow morning after breakfast, we are going to go to the dentist. It is important that we keep our teeth and mouth healthy and the dentist is the person who helps us do that. What questions do you have?" Then work it all out. Not tomorrow morning when it's time to go to the dentist.
Don't feel so bad about the "bribing." Life is all about currency. I certainly don't work for free LOL! Using "currency" also helps engrain the idea of cause and effect which is sometimes difficult for our kids to grasp.My kids are both very rule bound. It circumvents a lot of this kind of stuff. Would it make life easier for you to go back to your rules and just adjust them for now since he is recuperating? Or maybe only allow his least preferred "allowable" activity (like tv watching instead of DS) immediately preceding least preferred tasks. I like TV for that purpose because it has a definite end. I have lots of 30 minute shows on he DVR so I can say "One episode of My Little Pony, then we are leaving for the grocery store."
the bolded is EXACTLY what the ABA said to me. HE said, if you dont go to work, do you still get a paycheck? He needs to do his "work" in order to get "paid". I am too free handing him his pay with no work done at all!
_________________
Dara, mom to my beautiful kids:
J- 8, diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD possible learning disability due to porcessing speed, born with a cleft lip and palate.
M- 5
M-, who would be 6 1/2, my forever angel baby
E- 1 year old!! !
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