Fathers of autistic son can't deal with him...

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I don't know if this is the right forum, so let me know if it should be posted elsewhere...

I have spent the last 3 yrs reading up about autism, here and in other places, attempting to understand my son, attempting to figure out his triggers for meltdowns, etc...and helping him learn new ways when he is becoming stressed out...

My husband on the other hand has read nothing...all he knows is what I tell him and even that, I don't think he listens to much.
I can go w/my son alone just about anywhere and he won't have a meltdown...we can go to the corner store here and I never have a problem with him...my husband on the other hand has basically had the people at the store tell him not to bring him in anymore because everytime they go there is a meltdown...sigh...

I am sick of being the one helping him...I worry sick what kind of life he would have w/out me since my husband just doesn't seem to "get" it and if he does, does nothing to improve himself so that he can help our son avoid meltdowns.

Is it harder for fathers than mothers? Is my husband just plain lazy? I am truly at my wits end...I homeschool so I am with him 24/7...it's unfair to both me and OUR SON to have to depend on me to help him through this vs. have BOTH his parents do what they can to learn more about him and to actually help him...

This is causing major stress in our marriage and I sometimes feel our son would be better off w/out his dad around, since he can't help him anyway...the only reason I am still here is because I worry a judge would give him visitation and then my son would not be taken care of properly because of his dad's lack of involvement/knowledge...

What can I do? Is there a way I can help my son so that when he's with his father he can control himself better w/out the assistance of his father? He is only 8yrs old...

Does the father accept he has autism? How does he view it?

Only reason I ask this is because for a long time my father did not. I know he accepted the fact that I wasn't a "normal" child after I lived with him for about 3 years. I wish he was around so I could ask him what opened his eyes but sadly he is not.

Sorry if this wasn't any help.

This might not be of any help either. But any chance the dad has AS or autism?

Maybe a therapist could talk with him about it ... but if he's not willing to go ...

Would he be able to tell you why he has troubles (or what kinds of things are upsetting him) when he is not with you?

Maybe you can find a way for him to sometimes "take you along" even when you are not actually with him.

I'm sure you have asked your husband why he doesn't take a more active role in your son's caregiving and why he does not seem interested in learning about autism. What was his response?

Fathers generally take a less active role in raising children anyway. In the common case of single income families, that's even to some extent justifiable, as the father is the one who is working and providing the money. Obviously in a two income family, that justification is weak, but the result is sometimes the same anyway.

I do agree that asking the child is a good idea if you can communicate.

Couple things: 1. how often to get leave the two of them in the house alone? 2. some kids connect better with one parent than the other. This is more pronounced with AS/autism in the mix and exhausting for the connected parent!

You need to schedule something - anything at all just find a reason to be out of the house. I don't mean retreating to a room in the house, you have to be completely unavailable to them. If I'm in the house I know my son will find me when Daddy does something differently than I would have. If I'm not there at all, they have no choice but to work it out.

Not sure how much this will apply for you but in my case I really had to take a step back try to see it from the other side - that is hard sometimes. My guess is that your husband really does care, but has no clue what to do next and honestly it probably hurts him that your son doesn't connect with him as well as you (good luck getting a guy to admit that though ). There's also the fact that your husband is probably wound up with anxiety about having to go it alone - and autistic kids tend to really pick up on those emotions and cycle out of control. (Those were observations from my personal experience - not sure how well they really apply in your case).

One of the things that helped the most for us was the social skills class that we had Kevin go to. It was weekly for almost a year and included a parents portion. I think I got as much out of it as Kevin! The parents portion was mainly to give the parents a 'toolbox' of ways to deal with behavior issues (they used 1-2-3 Magic as the basis for the class). I managed to get my husband to go along too - which helped in many ways. First of all, it gave him the 'toolbox' he needed to at least feel confident. It also help us see things from each others perspectives. Not sure how the idea would go over, but either a parenting class for both of you or couples counseling (or both) might be a good idea.

Good luck - and remember you aren't in this alone even if it feels like it sometimes.

Hopefully that wasn't too rambly
Beth

Thank you for all the suggestions/responses...I've been a bit worn out the last few days with this...

To answer the questions:
1.Yes, dad does know and accept he has autism
2. Kiddo is not verbal enough to explain why this happens
3. We were a two income family, with ME being the primary income for the last 8yrs...now I stay home to homechool, although I homeschooled when I worked full time as well
4. I tell my husband everything I find out about kiddo and explain how to deal with it
5. No chance dad has autism

Sigh...

If your husband is an NT then he probably just cannot, no matter how hard he tries, to relate to his AS son. My father has a very hard time relating to me to this day because our views of the world are just so different even though we share many of the same interests. The problem is that we don't view those interests in the same way.

whatamess,

Most parents are SPOILED BRATS! You see it on COMEDIES, like last night on "king of the hill" where one set of parents lets their kids do ANYTHING, and berate Hank because he tried to do the right thing! Or what of ROSEANNE where they aren't really trying to provide, and feel their kids owe THEM because they are ALIVE! Hey, on the news, a Mom sent her daughter to MUMBAI, because her daughter was too extravagant.

Some say they have kids for a tax break, tax payment, to provide for their retirement, work on the farm. HECK, my own MOTHER basically broke into my house while I was away and WON'T LEAVE! I COULD easily kick her out, but I know she will claim she is paying rent(Every now and then she pays a VERY low price that SHE wants directly in my account, and we have NO agreement, and she KNOWS I want her out), etc... ALSO, she may end up on the street!

OK, with such IDIOTS as parents, do you REALLY think they will care to learn? My OWN MOTHER thinks I LIKE what I have ALWAYS hated, and keep telling her I HATE! One of the teachers I have hated MOST SHE thought I LIKED! She called her my BEST teacher though she atught me NOTHING! And I mean NOTHING! WHY? I was in the first grade, and already knew the stuff. She ACTUALLY demanded that I do it with the class. Why am I expected to learn SO much in a minute, and she can bother to learn the simplest things in about 40+ YEARS!?!?!?

So it has nothing to do with sex, etc... It sounds like you care, and he doesn't. ME? NEITHER parent really cares, but my dad cares more than my mother. My STEP MOTHER cares more than my mother. And my step mother didn't even get an ice pack ready when I asked her to when I got an injury doing a favor for THEM! That ice pack MIGHT have prevented me from being an invalid for a WEEK!

whatamess,

I just want to say that I know EXACTLY what you are going through! It's so frustrating to be the only parent that helps your child. I have also entertained the idea of leaving my child's father. I see no effort on his part to help our child. The only time he takes things somewhat seriously is when it comes directly from my son's doctors. In the few appointments that he actually attends, he does listen to the doctor's advice, for a day or so. Then it's back to being himself. I have had to exaggerate things to get him to take my son's diagnose seriously. I've had to explain to him why my son acts the way he acts and try to get him to change his parenting skills based on my son's needs. We still butt heads constantly. My son showed NO affection to his father for the first 5 years. My son would hit him and his father would hit him back. My son knew that his father couldn't understand who he was and didn't even try to understand. Their relationship was horrible and I've expressed my concerns to many professionals without any help. I feared that my son would turn 13 and have an all out battle with his father, with no emotional attachment. I knew he was capable of so much love because he was extremely lovable to me and his sister. I was afraid his view of men would be distorted because of his relationship with his father. My children are my priority so anyone (even their father) standing in the way of that would have to be dismissed from our lives.

However, everything is turning out for the better like I prayed! For the past couple of months, my son has said he "loved" his dad!! He actually gives him hugs and kisses now!! There are times when he prefers his dad over me, this is such a breath of fresh air! And also a relief on my part, for a long time I felt like a single parent. The secret to their bond was the love of video games! Horrible as it may sound, he started to realize his dad is pretty cool and started to open up. His dad also reciprocated the love. I know his dad always loved him but he didn't know how to show affection to a child that never showed it back, where a mother's love (most moms) is always open and unconditional. Hang in there. I hope things work out for you and your family!! !

Last edited by malya2006 on 08 Apr 2010, 7:43 am, edited 4 times in total.

My father is the same way. It's SO frustrating. I used to believe that fathers were supposed to be aloof and abusive. Most of the abuse was/is verbal but he would loose his temper on ocassion and smack me hard enough to leave a bruise or throw me into walls when I had meltdowns. For years I believed that fathers were supposed to be this way or that I was just a bad person and deserved being hit or insulted. I eventualy saw "father/daughter" relationships on the televsion and realised something was wrong. I suspect that if my father was a child today he would be diagnosed with AS. They say it is all PTSD from the war but I wonder.

It's actually comforting to read all this and realise that there really are lots of people out there just like us and some even worse off

My 13yo (14 in two weeks ) Aspie son doesn't have alot of time for his dad. We got his diagnosis last June and my hubby accepted it whole heartedly. It answered alot of questions for all of us, mostly for our son (third of four children).

No member of the family seems to bring out the worst in hubby like our aspie... and visa versa.

I love nothing better than to observe human behaviour (passtime ) and so I've noticed that the biggest blow outs follow when our aspie doesn't read his dad's mood, and doesn't know better than to do or say the wrong thing. The rest of us are able to feel each other's bad moods and are able to gather social cues and deal with them appropriately. Aspies aren't able to do so.

I find myself being their mediator, one on one with each. It does sometimes get frustrating and exhausting for me. I have felt like leaving my husband, a few times, when things were at their worst. Turn to a good friend. Friends who remain neutral and give you good advice are such a comfort.

I believe that the praise I give them when they are getting along, which seems to be more often now that our aspie is getting older, helps them try harder to try and understand each other.

Keep at it, if you really love your husband, it will be well worth it in the long run. You're half way there if your husband actually accepts the diagnosis.

By the way you and your son are so lucky to have each other. You sound like a fantastic mum

I won't discount your own experiences, but this generalization is inappropriate and not true. MOST parents care, and try, and are quite unselfish. Shoot, if a person truly is a spoiled brat, they most likely will not HAVE kids, since children are a pretty heavy responsibility and beleive it or not the vast majority of people on this planet do recognize that fact.

So ... please be careful with your choice of terms. "Most" may be dramatic, but is not the right word to use here.

And TV shows prove absolutely nothing. They show extremes on purpose, because people find it funny.

My dad and I didn't have much of a bond. He thought that he could raise his voice at me, and be harder on me, than he was on my sister. He thought that he could tell me how angry, I was making him. He smacked my on my bottom, really hard, five times in a row, when I was having a meltdown, five times in a row, because I wanted to be with my more sensitive, and caring mum. I couldn't sit down, for a week. He was even harder on me, than my mum was, when I had bathroom accidents, and my mum was pretty hard on me. He thought that he could keep me from talking about my special interests. He got really angry, whenever I brought them up. He made me hate both the United States and The Beatles, with that attitude. No offense to the Americans, or Beatles Fans, here at WP. I like all members, the same. He even openly said to me, that he wasn't interested in the maps, and the flags that I drew, when I was 12, or 13. What a father.

It makes me very sad to hear about people's abusive childhood. It's so hard to be a kid already and then you have parents that make it even harder? Parent's are supposed to be a child's safety net, a place they can come to for love and support. Yet abusive parents are the cause of discomfort and pain. It makes me so sick. I'm sorry for all your pain.