The Crystal Rock Friendship Prize

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While getting my 8 yr old daughter ready for daycare today she starts telling me about how the other kids don't play with her very much even though she tries to be nice to everyone. She said whenever she asks to join in on one of their games they always tell her no. She said the boys usually cover their ears and run away when she tries to talk to them, but she figured that boys and girls just don't get along because they are so different. She told me "It's not fair, I wan't some attention, too." I tried to suggest some things to her about how to play with the other kids because I know she has problems with trying to dictate to others what & how to play and it comes off as being bossy to the other kids. When I told her to try and play their games the way they are playing them first and then suggest something she'd like to play she said "Well, I'm just trying to give them ideas for things in case they think my ideas are better, or in case they get tired of trying to think of things to play." She thought for a moment and then said she was going to bring a crystal to school and tell them whoever played with her the most would get the crystal and that it would be a friendship prize.

The "crystal" is actually some type of white rock the landlord put down on the driveway. But since some of them sparkle in the sunlight, she thinks they are crystals. I actually had to limit how much she could bring inside the house because she kept walking up and down the long driveway collecting the "crystals" and wanting to bring them all inside.

Anyhow... I tried to talk to her on the way to daycare and give her advice on how to play with the other kids, but I'm not sure how much help I was. I tried to talk her out of the Crystal Rock Friendship Prize idea but she's adamant that it's a good idea and will work.

Anyone have some similar stories or suggestions?

while her idea has a sound logical basis, offer something to get what she wants, i would be hesitant to let her continue down that path. she needs a good talk about what constitutes friendship. paying someone to play with you is not going to generate friendship. and if she starts with that tactic now, it may not be long before the other kids will tell her she has to provide gifts for them to play with her. she needs to understand that real friendship needs no prizes because the friend itself is the prize. maybe that will be a way for you to get her interested in social skills lessons or learning how to be a better friend.

at this age some children really start to be manipulative, and a child who desperately wants friends or playmates makes a perfect target to manipulate. i had to discuss this with my NT 6 yr old a few weeks ago as a couple new kids in the area were giving him the "bring us sodas from your house or we wont be your friends" line.

btw, my 4 yr old is autistic and while i was overjoyed he started talking to other kids in his class this past spring, it was always in the form of telling them what to do or what they are doing wrong at this point he is still uninterested in having friends tho so we have time to work on how to be a friend instead of a boss

She had problems with this early during the school year when, on Fridays, the school sold football team related tattoos in order to raise money and there were some kids that told her if she bought them tattoos that they would be her friend. I tried to explain that that wasn't really friendship and if that was the only way they would be her friend, then they weren't worth being friends with. She broke down and cried because she wanted to have them as friends so bad. I have a hard time trying to help her because she cannot see what she is doing that is different and why the kids are acting the way they are towards her and I don't always know how to word things so that my advice is helpful and not hurtful. If I point out what she's doing wrong it will hurt her feelings and I'd feel like I'd give her a complex and make things worse, but if I don't point it out plainly then she doesn't see it. What am I to do?

as introverted as i am, i am not the best person to advise about such things but i can talk based on what i have done or am doing for my kids.

it sounds like your daughter has two things going on. 1 is that she sounds like she is really seeking friends, and 2 that she lacks social skills to get or keep them. so i'd address both issues.

she may be a good candidate for social skills classes. maybe her school this fall can offer them, or try a community mental health center, or reach out to any autism networks in your area. look into any computer or online based programs if there isnt anything she can do locally. this isnt something im familiar with as i said, my asd child isnt interested yet.

finding friends can be difficult. my 13 yr old went to a new school this year and had a horrible time finding friends. we encouraged him to look outside of the class or playground areas; we looked at what his interests are and got him into some extra curricular activities. he joined the lego robotics team and signed up for indoor field hockey. we also signed him up for a community theater youth production. all these things, while not garnering him lifelong friends, let him have some fun with other kids, get to know others, and helped ease the loneliness he was feeling while still trying to make friends in class.

other youth things to look into are girl scouts, boys and girls club, 4-H, girls inc. these types of organizations are often set up for teaching self respect and good core values. see if there are any clubs at her school this fall that she may be interested in. if not, maybe she has a special interest that she'd like to start a group for. maybe your local library has a kids book club or would be interested in starting one.

the crystal rock, while solving the immediate problem today of having someone to play with, wont address the long term goals of social relationships and skills that will lead to good self esteem and friends.

Thanks for the advice. One doc referred us to a community mental health center that could help teach her different skills, including social skills and help me with parenting skills to be able to help her better with the issues she has. I have to take some of her medical records up to them and start the process of getting in with them and I was told it can take a while. We had tried Girl Scouts but the team/group we went in were sorry and didn't do much but I was thinking of trying again and this time finding a better group to join. I was also thinking of karate classes to teach her self defense skills and help her gain confidence.