Wish I could educate these people!

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We decided to move my 9 year old son Luc to the specialized school they have in our town for kids with various issues like ASD's, ADHD and LD's. He had a really hard time in the public school that is a stones throw from our house, last year. He was relentlessly bullied which was ignored and denied by his teacher who did not like him....even now when I take my daughter to school (she is going there this year) she does not say hello to him or ask him how he is doing. My son was never violent or even had any meltdowns at school....she is just one of those teachers that does not like kids who are "different". We will make sure that my daughter does not get her next year if we even keep her there. Luc spends half his day at his new school where is teacher is very understanding and said that it took her a long time to get him to be calm as she feels he has been traumatized in other schools, and he spends the other half of the day in his therapy center. He only has one day that he spends all day at school. He has one close friend, also aspie, who he, as his teacher says, has a love-hate relationship with. They are actually too much alike so they clash every now and then but the teacher seems to keep peace between them most of the time.
I know we made the right decision about sending him there, he is happy and has never cried or had any anxiety attacks since he first started and was still nervous. He wakes up excited to go and he is already reading and writing better (he has dyslexia and dysgraphia), its so cool to hear him read.

My 6 year old daughter Maddy has classic autism and she did not speak until she was between 3 and 4 years old. Communication is and has been a huge issue for her and now that we live in France its even worse. Last year she was in the small school where they have the 3 year olds to 5 year olds. It is a quiet small school and it was better for her sensory problems and her teacher was very good with her. I was very worried about moving her to the big school due to all the problems Luc had there. Also I knew it would be loud, crowded and the classroom would be more like a typical class setting so she could not get up and wander around the room when she needed to. The therapy center promised me that they would have her prepared, they took her there a few times when other children were there. They set her up with a schedule, FINALLY! and they promised me that she would have some specialized teachers that would help her with her French and her sensory processing. It is December and these teachers have not materialized yet. I wanted Maddy to go to the same school with Luc but they explained that she could not be in that class but would have to be put in the class for the Autistic children all of which were mainly non verbal, there would be no other girls (Maddy does not like boys aside from Luc) and some of the boys had tendencies to hit and bite. Of course I figured this would be a disaster.

Still things are not ideal for her. She does not want to go to school aside from the days that she has therapy. We had a meeting with the center and they say that we can probably get her another half day considering she is so far advanced academically at school. This is another issue, she is typically done before the other children with her work so her aide leaves her and tries to help the other kids so she gets bored and either gets up or starts singing and her teacher, who she seems to like even though he is a man, has to tell her to be quiet or to sit down. She gets stressed and is having a lot of meltdowns at school. Her aide, who is a very nice young girl and who Maddy likes and was also her aide last year is unfortunately clueless on how to help Maddy. We were hoping that she would get more education this summer as she was offered this by the therapy center and we even offered to pay for her to go to a two day seminar. She did not go to the seminar and she has yet to go to the center to learn how to help Maddy. She just looks to my husband and I and ask us what to do. We have provided her with some PECS which she was amazed worked so well. We also told her to find a quiet place for Maddy to decompress and we gave her a bag of her sensory toys but she still is not picking up on Maddy's cues and still thinks that she understands her when she tells her things. I tried to explain that she uses too many words and that Maddy is not understanding her.
We got Maddy an iPad but the program for PECS communication does not come out in French until sometime at the beginning of the year as I have posted before.

I just wonder sometimes if I made the right choice and I wonder why they can not put Maddy in the same class with Luc and alternate their therapy hours so that they are not in the class together, which is why they refused to Maddy with Luc. They are brother and sister and Luc will spend most of his time trying to boss Maddy around and not do his work....that I agree with. I just have a bad feeling when I take Maddy to school. Like today we were late and I brought her in and she got upset that I came in the school because she thinks Im not supposed to be in there LOL. However I could not find her aide anywhere and Maddy can not get all her coats and her gloves and rain boots off....she could not have reached her slippers. Where is the damn aide??? Im just getting more and more upset because she loves school and she is getting to the point where she doesnt want to go.

Today is ok because she knows that after lunch she goes to Therapy the rest of the day and tomorrow there is no school and Maddy goes to therapy in the morning and Luc goes in the afternoon, plus I have my aide who is great with Maddy here in the afternoon for her to play with. Monday, Thursday and Friday are always the difficult days. We have to drag her out of bed....she doesnt want to go and it almost makes me want to cry. She is so smart and I think she could do so much but I cant stand the thought of her full of anxiety most of the day. Its like Luc last year all over again.

I may seem overprotective but I have had three older kids, two with severe problems with school. I lost my 24 year old son whos life had been miserable and difficult since he was a little boy. My 19 year old with Asperger's did not finish school and had so many issues. She was so blunt in Middle school that I had to take her out for fear of her life. She had girls who threatened to kill her. The school was upset and promised they would take care of it but I still refused to leave her there.

Its just so hard, you dont know if you are making the right decisions. I mean I know nothing is going to be perfect and maybe the iPad Proloquo app when it comes out in French will really help Maddy a lot but I worry about her anxiety level. When she comes home she spends most of her time running up and down the hallway and verbal stimming or spinning on her back with her blanket under her in the hallway....good thing Im not worried about keeping my walls clean. She flaps as much as she did when she was 2 and is very hyper trying to release all this pent up anxiety she has....its very outwardly obvious that she is upset. We have a trampoline and that helps and I am seriously thinking about getting a small one for the school. I just feel like if they are not going to try (like the aide not going for training and them ignoring our ideas) then I have to "invade" and give them things to help my daughter and tell the teacher that, yes my daughter is smart but she is also autistic and she is going to get more and more angry and stressed if you people dont bend a bit and let her stimm.....she is not allowed to sing or make her verbal stimms she is not allowed to walk or jump. They can not expect her to just sit there. Why cant HER aide take her somewhere else where she will not disturb the other kids? Why is she leaving my daughter to help the other children? She is supposed to be there for Maddy!

I send Maddy her chewies and her sensory toys but they have rules about bringing toys to school....thats nice, make an exception. I dont think Im in the wrong to ask that my daughter has her special needs met or that her teacher and her aide try to educate themselves a bit. Maddy tires so hard to do what they want her to do but some days she explodes and when she comes home she is completely out of control. She also says things to me like "I want to go back to English house" or she points down the street and leans toward her old school when Im taking her to school.

Our one huge saving grace is her little friend who is the sweetest little girl and always takes care of Maddy. I personally think she should get half the aides salary because she is doing a lot of the work! I think her aide should take her job more seriously rather than stand around and gossip with the teachers and then tell my husband and I when we complain that Maddy doesnt want her with her. We try to explain to her that Maddy is not like a typical child who is going to hold her hand and behave as though she wants her with her but she does NEED her with her.
Anyone think that I would be wasting my money to buy Maddy's aide the Temple Grandin book that explains what it is like to be autistic?......I found it in French.....or maybe I can just educate them by smacking them in the head with the book, maybe that will get their attention. I get three meals a day in prison
Ive run out of ideas and I kind of have a short amount of time to get some of these things worked out as I will be going to the hospital for two weeks in March or possibly sooner and then Ill be going back for major back surgery and It will be long time for me to heal. Im the person who understands Maddy, what is going to happen to her during this time? I wish I could bring my 21 year old daughter out to help me but she and her boyfriend who live in Florida are living pay check to pay check. She is the only other person that really connects with Maddy the way I do....she took care of her sister (my 19 year old) and even though she is my only typical child she "gets it". She realized recently that her boyfriend has Asperger's and its why they have such a strong relationship because she can help him and she understands him where as no one else ever has in his life.
My husband is good with Maddy but not like me. That stupid app better get here soon!

Does the aid speak English at all? Perhaps you'd have more luck getting her to watch a video than to read a book. Here are some to take a look at:

Coulter Video --

Model Me Kids -- this one is really for the child to watch, but watching it might help the aid understand the problems.

I'm sorry it is all so hard. You do seem to be running all the bases in your thinking, however, so you ought to be able to get to the best of the available choices - which unfortunately are less than ideal - if only you could get a moment to breathe.

I hope things with your health improve.

You need that moment to breathe. It sounds to me, anyway.

Golly. Your post kept reminding me of why my son, 12 and a half now, has home-un-schooled almost the whole of his life ( apart for a four month period at the end of middle school/CM2 ), and is making me wonder whether our plan to send him to college from next September, for 4eme, so that he is well prepared for the Brevet at 16 and the choices for the BAC etc, may be a mistake, even though he is so much more verbally-skilled, posed/assured, etc now.

I am really glad that your son seems to be doing ok, and agree that it does seem ridiculous that Maddy can't go to the same place with a bit of timetable-adaptation to make sure that they are rarely or never in the same class at same time. ( Two ADHD etc brothers in my village have just had to halve their attendance at a friend's yoga-kids class because they can't be there at the same time, they are now alternating ).

Could Maddy home-un-school for the next year or two until Luc has moved onto the next school ( college stage ) maybe?

I live near Montelimar by the way. I can't remember where you are, but if you were near enough would love to meet.

Good luck.

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We did get some good news yesterday that Maddy may be able to go to the school but not until next year. There are three older students who have to go to high school and Maddy would be first on the list. The things I worry about is that she is very close to her little friend. I know that she is more of a protective, mother than a friend but Maddy is dependent on her. However we were thinking we could talk to the parents as they love Maddy as well and see if their daughter could come and visit Maddy on days off and weekends. My husband could meet them at the park and they could ride bikes.
Also Maddy's aide does speak some English but she pretends to understand more that she does when I am talking to her which kind of makes me angry because I want her to understand what Im saying and if she doesnt understand Id rather her say so I can use some French words or I can get my husband to explain. She just does not seem very dedicated to what she is supposed to be doing. She seems more interested in how she looks and gossiping with the teachers. Also as I mentioned I and my husband explained to her that she can not use so many words when asking Maddy a question as she looses her after two or three words.
I think she would be happier in the other school. In the bad news her ear rings that she was and is very obsessed with may have to go. She got an infection in one. We took it out and have been trying to take care of it, she is no stranger to skin infections unfortunately. She used to get MRSA abcesses all the time. Tonight while cleaning her ear all I did was press slightly and a bunch of puss and blood came oozing out (sorry for the gross factor). Im worried and I have to go into the hospital in the morning for my first Remicade infusion so my husband may have to take the whole day off to get Maddy some antibiotics. I just hope we can keep the hole in her ear open. Its been almost a full month so I hope it will be ok and we will just have to take her earrings out more frequently and clean them. Its her first pair so we were supposed to leave them in until the end of the month.
I dont think homeschooling would be good for Maddy as she is expected to learn to read and write in French which I can not do and I am also very ill and will be going in and out of the hospital for the next several months. We are outside of Lyon.

Thank you DW but I am just really worried because I think these first years are really important to her later success in school.

Oh, I'm french so I know what you're saying, with the title of the thread and the whole posts. My son was supposed to have a special needs teacher at the beginning of last year, to give him 2 hours of support a week, but the guy moved to africa for some reason and was never replaced. Those aids you're talking about (an AVS right?) have no training in anything. They're not teachers, have no education about special needs or autism, they're just school babysitters that you have to train yourself and that are required to change child every year (or is it 2 years??) to prevent any attachment.
This place is silly...
Can't you homeschool her in english? isn't there a program for english kids who live abroad? I mean after the few months that you'll need to get better.
Although teaching a kid that age to read and write, even in a foreign language, isn't that complicated. I homeschooled my son for most of last year, because like you I got tired of nobody knowing what they were doing, and it helped him a lot. He's back there part time now, and I homeschool part time, as an inscription at the MDPH (maison des personnes handicapées) allows you to get allowances and a schooling plan more suited to your child's needs....
Oh but if she has an AVS you've probably done that yes. Just know that you could half homeschool, I'm doing it. (with the CNED. They have a special inscription form for children with special schooling plans like that)
Edit to add: I'm near bordeaux...why are we so darn scattered

Oy! I feel so bad that you are going through all this. I don't think buying that aide a book is going to help because based on what you said regarding the seminar and the training center, I don't think she wants to be bothered doing anything extra. Then again from what you say it does not seem like she is doing her job, either.

I don't know anything about how they do things in France, so I cannot really be of any concrete help.

It sounds to me like your daughter was doing much better before you made the move...I assume it's not an option but would you ever be able to return to the US? You may recall that I am in the process of moving my family back to the US from Japan because the services and education are so much better.

My husband has a very good very permanent position here as a Professor so going back to the US is not going to happen. Plus I am ill and the doctors here are awesome in comparison to the US docs that screwed me up even worse and refused to give the the diagnosis for the disease that I have GLARING them in the face. The doctors in the US are far less educated than most of the ones here. I wont say any more about that other than as I said the US doctors made my condition far worse and it was mainly out of greed.

Maddy does have AVS and she has the same aide she had last year. The school they have my son in is excellent and he is reading and writing now and he had severe difficulty with even remembering simple words last year. The teacher says she would love to take Maddy now but the system will not allow her to be moved in the middle of the year. Basically we are going to be obnoxious parents and we have SESSAD (therapy center) on our side. They are going to go in to Maddy's school frequently and sort of shove the info into the throats of her teacher and aide. I really like Maddy's aide she is a nice girl but when I see my daughter having so much anxiety that she cant even enjoy herself anymore that makes me angry. We are going to insist that they allow us to put a mini trampoline in the indoor play area (the other kids can use it too) because that is a big help for Maddy to jump and count. We are also sending her weighted blanket so she can lay on the floor with it as we dont want to try to teach her aide how to do squeezes and when it is needed. Maddy knows when she needs it and can get her blanket when she wants it. Things wont be ideal but it will do until next year. As far as her little mother/friend we will set up some play dates so she (the other little girl) will not be too upset that Maddy is leaving. I think the iPad app, when it comes, will also help but the school itself is just not set up for autistic children in any way shape or form. They have one other little boy who has autism there and he is typically in the corner of the playground furiously flicking his fingers and looking terrified.....I know that look and I know what that feels like and I wish I could give the mother some hints but I dont speak French and as my husband says she would probably horrified that I noticed her son has autism.
Home schooling in English would not be a good idea because we will be living here for good. I do teach Maddy to read and write in English though so she will be fluent in both. I wondered about getting her some sort of tutor to come to the house but I do want her to have some social interaction and structure....then again she does have SESSAD. Its something to think about and if this anxiety keeps rising (I had to keep her home after lunch today she was in such a state but my husband had to pick her up and then pick me up from the hospital as I was having my infusion so that was not her typical schedule even though we did prepare her).
We will work hard at getting her through this year and next year she will be with a teacher and aides that understand autism and I think she will do much better.
Its not all bad here at least for us...maybe because we know what to ask for and what we can get and SESSAD does a good job even though we had to jump all over them and harrass them last year to get them started with our kids. Now they are wonderful and my kids love going there. Luc has actually agreed to a overnight camp for two days and one night with them he feels that comfortable so that is amazing. Also because of my added "handicaps" we tend to get offered more services.
Also I managed to get Maddy's ear issues under control and we have her earring back in but I need to find ones that are not so tiny and not prone to getting dirty so easy. At least now we can take them out and put them back in and she knows he is not going to die. I told her that we could just leave them out...."All gone earrings"....she did NOT like that idea .
Also I agree we are very spread out, maybe one day when I am well enough we can all meet in the middle somewhere .

lilome,
It’s interesting that so many of us can understand what you are going through! It IS such a dilemma. We live in Asia—and similarly, my husband and I have jobs as University professors. The situation in general is just so much better than it would be for us in the USA. We get full time pay for only 23 hours a week. That means we are at home with the kids so much more. And, I too have had health issues which would have us in DEBT in the USA. However, here we pay next to nothing for our healthcare and it is excellent care. I was just in the hospital for 4 days and can’t imagine how we would have afforded that expense back ‘home’. Also, all of the evaluations and therapy for our son will be slightly cheaper than in the USA, though specialists are minimal in the area of AS or child development.

Our only issue is with schooling. Our kids are learning a second language and are doing so well and so loving it that we don’t want to take that away by homeschooling them. If we decide to stay here and put them in local schools, they also must have the language. Private English ‘foreign’ schools are not an option because of the expense. So, our options are either home school or local schools. (I also think I’d be terrible at homeschooling them. I’m so much better at a university level!) However, my biggest frustration is the lack of training and school support in the system here. They lump any ‘different’ child into either severe mental handicap groups or mainstream classrooms with no assistance. He is 4 ½ and having some problems at school. I can communicate with the teacher minimally and have had friends help translate with tougher issues. Thankfully, the pre-school he is at right now is Montessori style, so it is very low pressure and stress on him for now. However, his teacher seems pretty clueless when it comes to why he struggles in his class relationships and she isn’t proactively working with him in his deficit in writing/coloring, etc. Same as you, I wish I could educate her somehow and wonder how I am going to help him out in school once we really figure out exactly what his issues are!

I’ve debated doing two days home school and three days pre-school once he is more fluent in the language. But that won’t be an option once he’s into 1st grade. There are a few friends here homeschooling their kids and I can imagine making a ‘homeschool group’. Would doing a ‘mix’ like that for awhile be an option for you? (like ediself said)

I have wondered if we might ever have to move back to the USA due to his education needs, but our quality of life would be so much less (i.e. healthcare and work hours). I’ve also asked my son if he would prefer to go to school in English and he gave a vehement ‘no’ and said he liked having a different language for school. So, the debate now is the same as yours . . . how to find the best school situation for him and how to tactfully try to educate those in his system as much as possible. He is very smart, so I almost wonder if a school for ‘gifted’ kids might better fit with him. There are often many ‘co-morbids’ between AS and gifted kids. Don’t know if they’d let him in, but it might be worth a try for us! Would that be a possible option for Maddy in France? Sounds like she is very bright. Anyway, sounds like you are figuring it out as you dialogue . . . somewhat comforting to hear how others in similar situations are working things out!

Good luck—this might be a good dialogue to continue for those of us in multi-cultural settings with few education options and general poor knowledge of AS or really of any other developmental needs.

Also I do know that Maddy would not be getting the level of therapy she gets at the therapy center now if were were in the US. The US has a great early intervention program (at least in California). If it were not for them I doubt she would be speaking as well as she does. However I was told that when she turned 5 all her services would be provided through the public school and she would loose her home behavioral aides unless we paid out of pocket.
Sometimes I feel bad complaining but my husband and I have had to really fight with them to get the level of services we do get. We just refused to give up, basically. They would tell us that we could not have something and we would argue and threaten until suddenly we got what we wanted. I think it is why Luc's teacher did not like him or us as we "expected" her to keep him safe as he was being bullied but she would tell us that Luc was the instigator. I was so angry, that woman is so glad she does not understand English . He was not instigating he was defending himself!

I dont think anyone should have to fight for services for our kids but its fact. Either we fight or we do it ourselves and Im not in a good situation to home school and I have home schooled before and I have difficulty with being organized and I stress out too much about them not learning what they need.
Still I agree with angelgarden I would not want to live back in the US we were living paycheck to paycheck and my husband is a doctor of biology and was working at the University of San Diego CA. I had to quit my job to take care of Maddy as all her therapy and school was a full time job, then Luc got diagnosed and I did home school him as he was not getting any help at school and he was being bullied (as usual). Health care and just cost of living AND the shorter hours are so much better and our lives are more relaxed and Maddy was more relaxed last year in Kindergarten. Her class was set up with toys round tables, it was quiet and they played music....it was nice. Now she is in a stark white room with rows of desks and is expected to sit still and to be quiet. They may as well ask her to do brain surgery!
Her therapist is going to be there from the center this afternoon but as usual Thursday and Friday are so difficult. When I bring her home for lunch she just does not want to go back. Thankfully she will have two weeks off soon for Christmas. Only one more week to get through!