Narrating feelings and thoughts aloud?

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Kawena
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14 Aug 2014, 9:34 pm

(I thought I posted this question a few days ago, but I think an internet issue prevented it from posting because I can't find it)

My 12yo on the spectrum is now finally sharing some feelings and thoughts, but he almost always does it in third person, e.g., "(name) is feeling sad. (name) wishes he could go to the store to get more toys. (name) wants mommy to take him."

Is this narrating pretty common- do others here see/do this? It does give me some insight into what he's thinking and how he's feeling, but he does it in the "kid" voice he often uses. It's extremely rare for him to say "I am sad (or whatever emotion)" or "I wish we could do x." It's almost always third person for those.



Waterfalls
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14 Aug 2014, 11:02 pm

I don't know how common it is to narrate out loud like this, but I think I would find it a relief to say Waterfalls is sad tonight, she was told she isn't like anyone else in the world other than sharing common humanity....."

Feelings in oneself can be very confusing and taking it into the third person lets your son use his cognitive abilities to analyze more objectively rather than trying to feel AND sort things into words AND communicate AND judge your reaction. I think it's easy to underestimate the cognitive effort that goes into wording things for even some highly verbal people on the spectrum. It's all rather a lot. Typical people can just feel, and move on, or not. If he has never talked about his thoughts and feelings, this sounds like a step forward. I am glad for him, and glad for you. And if I am understanding you correctly about this being new, he may act young trying to discuss feelings but I think that's a natural thing as he is pretty young in terms of experience at this.

As a mom, I might feel sad and worried what was going on if my child spoke in the third person that way. But i know when I try to say how frightened I am (when I am) or how lonely I feel (when I do) or how sad I feel, it doesn't come across and get understood by others, that's demoralizing and alienating. This is difficult to explain in words, but I've done what he's doing when I've gotten quite upset in the past because I wanted to communicate and there was no other way. And for him to want to communicate with you is good.

The other thing that could be relevant is that generalizing can be difficult and the specific words we sometimes use with kids may be along the lines of: (name) is happy today, (name) looks very grown up, does (name) want to go to the playground and swing, what does (name) want for breakfast etc. so could he be hearing adults speak this way and copying it too literally? If the feelings were familiar and not difficult you could state it back like "I'm sad we cannot go to the toy store together now, too, but when it stops raining we can go and that will be fun". I would avoid criticizing though. Feelings can be very confusing and stressful. And I would not try to change how he expresses himself, when the behavior is so new, about anything painful. I think a sympathetic, calm and supportive response is the kindest and the most productive for helping him practice talking about feelings. That's too hard a job and too new to try to make him do typically right now IMO.



Odetta
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15 Aug 2014, 8:04 am

My son used to do this. I always thought it was related to the pronoun switching thing. He eventually learned the proper way to refer to himself (and others) through speech therapy.



ASDMommyASDKid
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15 Aug 2014, 9:50 am

Odetta wrote:
My son used to do this. I always thought it was related to the pronoun switching thing. He eventually learned the proper way to refer to himself (and others) through speech therapy.


This^^^^

We had this going intermittently with pronoun switching. I think it is a way to avoid the pronoun issue and possibly being corrected.



KariLynn
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17 Aug 2014, 6:40 pm

What is important is that he is sharing!! !

If it is difficult for him, stating it in the 3rd person makes it easier. As you respond and provide him what he needs he is likely to move to the 1st person. That will tell you he is more comfortable sharing his feelings.


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angelbear
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18 Aug 2014, 4:13 pm

My son did this as well when he was younger (about 3 to 5 yrs of age). He is now 9 and really doesn't switch the pronouns anymore, but he will still talk in scripted forms at times (things he has heard others say, or things he has seen in a movie.)



Kawena
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25 Aug 2014, 1:10 am

Thanks for the responses. He always had difficulty with pronouns (mainly he/she because he rarely used I), but has gotten a lot better in recent years. It's certainly a possibility in this case.

Waterfalls-- you made several good points that resonate with me.

Quote:
Feelings in oneself can be very confusing and taking it into the third person lets your son use his cognitive abilities to analyze more objectively rather than trying to feel AND sort things into words AND communicate AND judge your reaction.
I do suspect there is something here going on with him.
Quote:
The other thing that could be relevant is that generalizing can be difficult and the specific words we sometimes use with kids may be along the lines of: (name) is happy today, (name) looks very grown up, does (name) want to go to the playground and swing, what does (name) want for breakfast etc. so could he be hearing adults speak this way and copying it too literally?
I'm sure I've been guilty of speaking like this in the past, and do sometimes find myself doing this currently as well, so this makes sense also.

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses!



Waterfalls
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25 Aug 2014, 6:19 am

I'm glad I made sense, I always wonder as sometimes people say I haven't.

Please don't feel you've done something wrong by speaking in the third person, though. I feel the most important thing is that you show your child you care, and desire connection with him, and make that feel good to him. Details like pronouns can be sorted out along the way if he's got the fundamental security of feeling and being understood and accepted as a communicating real being; makes everything so much easier for his whole life!



Kawena
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25 Aug 2014, 8:48 pm

Thanks! He did mention the other day that it was nice to be with mommy because she understood him and wasn't "spooky" (everyone else is spooky to him).



ASDMommyASDKid
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25 Aug 2014, 9:25 pm

Kawena wrote:
Thanks for the responses. He always had difficulty with pronouns (mainly he/she because he rarely used I), but has gotten a lot better in recent years. It's certainly a possibility in this case.

Waterfalls-- you made several good points that resonate with me.
Quote:
Feelings in oneself can be very confusing and taking it into the third person lets your son use his cognitive abilities to analyze more objectively rather than trying to feel AND sort things into words AND communicate AND judge your reaction.
I do suspect there is something here going on with him.
Quote:
The other thing that could be relevant is that generalizing can be difficult and the specific words we sometimes use with kids may be along the lines of: (name) is happy today, (name) looks very grown up, does (name) want to go to the playground and swing, what does (name) want for breakfast etc. so could he be hearing adults speak this way and copying it too literally?
I'm sure I've been guilty of speaking like this in the past, and do sometimes find myself doing this currently as well, so this makes sense also.

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses!


I would not worry about the 3rd person thing. We did this all the time when our son was young b/c the pronouns were confusing. He didn't understand what we were saying otherwise in the beginning and I agree with Waterfalls that communication and trust are way more important than pronouns. We still refer to ourselves in the first person sometimes b/c it was such a habit. :oops: My son does not replicate it. He probably knows how weird it sounds now.