How do autistic parents handle whining

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I know everyone can't stand whining and even NT parents can't stand it either but it seems like for me I have less patience with it because it seems to drain my energy quicker and my patience doesn't last long as normal parents and also it brings up my anxiety. I wonder if this is a sensory thing or something and how do other autistic parents handle whining without having anxiety and not screaming at their kids because they are so overwhelmed from the noise.

I notice my parents don't have lot of patience for my son's whining either but that is because they are in their 60's and that is normal for people in that age range, the older we get, the less patience we have with kids and the less energy we have but I am only 30, not a 60 year old woman so it's like I am already old but on the outside I am young.

But when the whining starts, it doesn't take long for it to bring down my energy and make me overwhelmed already. Today my son had a meltdown in the theme park because he was thirsty and tired so he got stubborn and his cousin wouldn't move to another seat so he could sit next to him so my son got upset because he wanted to sit with him but couldn't because there was a little girl in the way sitting in the spot next to him but thank goodness my mom was there so she handled it. I just stood there and let him have his "pit party," that is what my mom used to call my meltdowns. She would send me to my room for me to have my "pity parties" because she didn't want to listen to it or or deal with it so do it in my room. Then his "pity party" was over when the ride ended and his cousin rode with him this time and then my son says he is thirsty and he looked and acted better after he drank something. I never like to take my son out alone unless I am with someone because I can't take his whining and his meltdowns or tantrums and him going "I want this?" "Why?" and not taking no for an answer and not taking any reasons behind it for an answer so I never take him out in public alone because he is not anxiety friendly lol. He is always home unless my husband decides to take him out and I never want to take him out alone by myself, it's rare when I do. Just yesterday he did it at the mall so I turned around and brought him to my husband and told him I can't do this so take him and he is whining and I can't take his demands or him going "I want this" and then having fits when i tell him no. Then I walked away with my daughter who was quiet in her stroller and not acting up. Alone I would have just taken him to the car and leave being reminded why I don't like taking him out alone so I don't for a while. That's how strict I am because of my anxiety and I feel shut downs and overwhelmed when he acts that way.


Ugh, don't get me started on online creeps who act like big five year olds because they also like to pressure you and not take no for an answer and I logged off yahoo messenger the other day because of it and never came back on under that screen name because of the tension and pressure and not accepting my answer and the word no. Jesus, I don't need to explain myself why and then their tantrums are just them insulting you and cursing you out while a five year old will only say 'bad mommy" "you're mean" "I hate you" while an adult says more and hurtful things when they don't get their way. One guy once got upset with me just because I wouldn't be his online mommy and he threw a tantrum about it so I blocked him since he said he was taking me off his friends and how I wasn't an honest person and he wouldn't take me off his list so I did it for him by blocking him. But at least with a child, they don't know any better but an adult does which makes them very narcissistic and manipulative and very toxic. So my son insulting me by going "bad mommy" are just empty words so they do nothing for me. I don't think kids do that to be manipulative, they just don't know how to properly express themselves which is what I read somewhere about child development I believe. So yeah when a kid does this, it's annoyance and very irritating and inconvenient but when an adult does it, I get pissed and feel angry so the block button it is because it's the internet so it's easy to get rid of them that way.

I don't think it is right or helpful to conflate meltdowns with manipulative whining.

The way that I handled whining was to totally ignore it and the person doing it. I didn't complain about it, I just stopped interacting with that child in the least degree. I don't recall whining being much of a problem but I do recall doing this and then explaining it.

I fuss some about whining but that isn't what works. What works is really being calm and flexible and showing I am listening. Other people may have discipline kinds of things that work, but whining puts me so on edge I'm better off, and so are my kids, taking a calm approach and trying really hard not to react too much negatively.

Is your child neurotypical? Because if there's nothing unusual going on you might be able to take a more disciplinary approach and be successful. I think that discipline only works well when kids can do most of what we and the world ask of them, though, which is part of why I have to work really hard at staying calm and being patient and supportive. And then I hear much less whining.

I am not Autistic, but I have sensory processing issues, especially with sound (probably BAP). I also feel completely zapped by whining. It is especially hard when it is in a mall or theme park or place where there is already too much stimulation/ too many voices everywhere.

I used to tell my kids: "I can't understand what you are saying when you speak in that high-pitched, whiny voice." Which, is (mostly) true. I find it so aggravating, I can't take it in. So, every time they started, I would say that and keep repeating it until they stopped. I would also add: "I will not be able to understand you until you speak in your normal voice." They got the message, and the whining eventually stopped almost entirely. When they do start it, occasionally, they stop once I say that.

My younger son still will ask for things a lot, but he at least says it in a normal speaking voice. But, he does still cry a lot when I say no. I find that it really helps if I tell him beforehand that I will not be buying him anything. Or to tell him where we are going, what we will be doing/ buying, and that there will be other things he will see that he may like, but we are not going to be buying any of those other things today. I usually remind him that it does not mean he will never get those things, just not today (eases his anxiety).Then, I ask him if he thinks that he will be able to not ask for a toy/ candy/ whatever or get very upset about not getting those things if we go to the place. He will say: "yes." Then, if he does ask, I remind him of our conversation. It often helps when he remembers that he agreed to something.

Whining is probably one of my worst triggers and one of the things I feel least successful in dealing with as a parent. My son does not whine anymore. When my daughter does it, I will usually repeat what she said in an acceptable voice and ask her to mimic me. I don't think she realizes she is whining sometimes. This sometimes makes her mad, but sometimes it works. For my son, his whining has been replaced with asking a question repeatedly without a whiny voice. I usually just say to him "If you ask one more time, then I am certainly not going to do it/give it to you/whatever." Then I have to remember to put him on an intermittent schedule of reinforcement if he doesn't ask again so that he knows that at least sometimes, stopping asking gets him what he wants.

I don't handle it well at all. I don't deal with any complaints that I don't seem valid well to be honest. I have a very low tolerance for incessant demands. If they ask repeatedly for the same thing, I snap. Like, I heard you the first fifty times, you don't have to keep on mummy isn't deaf!

My mother says I'm hard or mean a lot but I genuinely can't stand it. If you cry, it's even worse. I hate crying. Unless I see an injury or something that would warrant the wailing I'm going to get pretty worked up fairly quickly and either tell my kids to stop faking it or be quiet. I'm often heard saying 'if I don't see blood I'm going to get mad!'

A lot of the time I try to ignore general whining. I tell the children, the more you moan and go on about something, you know mummy isn't going to give it to you so you might as well shut up about it.

I find it all overwhelming. I think also because I wasn't like it as a child, I can't understand why they do it. My mother always says I came out the womb like a mini adult so I never really acted like a kid.

I think it is important that children know they have been listened to and heard. Once you have made that clear, however, and they are just unable to let go for whatever reason, then you are free to ignore them. For me, that became the silver lining to my wearing hearing aids: I turn them off. I can no longer hear the grating noise at that point. Perhaps carrying a pair of ear plugs can achieve the same effect for you.

Neither of my kids have ever been very whiny. I think it's because I really, really can't stand it, and I completely ignore them when they do it. I have developed the ability to shut out a lot of annoying child sounds, to the point where sometimes I don't even realize they're doing anything until my husband yells at them to stop.

It is tough at 5 because it is a natural state of development - hooray, your child is learning good communication skills!?!

Two things: first, be incredibly consistent and make sure you are understood (this is harder than it seems, but I'm guessing you will probably be better at it than an NT parent.) We ended whining at the grocery store (which is triggering enough for me) by saying "today we are buying only what is on the list. We are not buying anything for you.) and then following through. After three or four visits, the whining lessened - but keep in mind that it usually gets worse before it gets better. If...then statements help with clarity (for instance, an alternate to the grocery store situation is "If you can be patient in the grocery store, look with your eyes and not touch with your hands, not ask for anything that isn't on the list, at the end of the trip we will buy you a _________" be specific about the reward so there isn't whining to upsell you to something better.

Second, I've also used the "I can't understand you when you talk to me that way" successfully. I also go "on strike," where I tell DS (and sometimes DH) that I am done helping them until they act with consideration. I am specific about which way they are being inconsiderate (whining, not helping with a chore as I asked, etc.) I also remind them of all the ways I help them at that point in the day (make dinner, help with homework, laundry, chauffering, whatever is pertinent at the time.)

I then go away and sit down with a book or my laptop and ignore them until I get an apology or at least better behavior. Earplugs at this stage are OK, too - and the bonus is that YOU get a chance to calm down. If that means dinner is half an hour late, so be it.

You do have to find a way to be consistent about this but also not to be rigid (this parenting thing sucks sometimes.) If there are special circumstances, make sure to state them out loud (e.g. "Today we are going to get ice cream before we finish grocery shopping because your ice cream fell on the ground earlier.") You also need to be very, very sure that the whining or lack of consideration isn't due to a genuine inability to comply for some reason.

Oh, my gosh, yes. My daughter's screaming and loud, pitched, whining even just in tiny amounts can make me instantly feel like my brain is scrambled. Like me, she's got a whole handful of auditory processing issues, is an aspie and gets stuck in that, "this is what will happen so it is what *must* happen" mind trap (mix of AS & OCD from what I've read). Certain sounds can take me from calm to overstimulated & agitated in just seconds.

There is hope. She's old enough now that we've come up with two partial solutions. One is that I tell her I want to hear her argument but need a few minutes to "decompose" (her word for decompress & b/c it was humorous it stuck) before I can listen carefully. The other is a bit more odd, but also gives her a physical outlet and some physical stim. She loves millipedes & what she calls their, "stubborn heads' (they sometimes appear to head-butt things instead of just climb over them). So we have a "stubborn millipede challenge" where we grab each other's heads, touch the top of our heads together and push. Like tug of war but opposite. It's enough of a complete shift and weird/funny enough to break both of us out of being stuck. Also, she always wins (it's a momentary contest so neither can get hurt). We are then able to discuss the issue calmly.

Of course, children are like the Borg and she'll adjust and this won't work by Xmas. And we'll have to find something else. It's been like that since she was born...

Thanks everyone for the support and advice.