Daughter's resistance to help

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I originally posted this in the general AS/autism discussion, but it really should be here...

Hello everyone! At 16 and with one year left of high school, my daughter has just been diagnosed with Asperger's. While I expect no time is a good time to find out you're on the spectrum, this is a particularly challenging time, at least for us. She is on the cusp of adulthood, yet is nowhere near ready to go out into the world. She had a part-time job she was let go from (which was the last straw that spurred me on to getting this diagnosis). She lives in her little bubble and is perfectly happy there. She seemingly has zero motivation to get out of it.

Now, I will probably have MANY questions over the coming weeks, but here is the one I have for today. DS is VERY resistant to getting any outside help. She has always been like this, or at least over the past few years. Whether it is coping with school, finding out how to improve her grade in a class, or anything else, she absolutely refuses to go get help from teachers or anyone other than me (if that). She thinks she can handle it all on her own, despite years of evidence to the contrary.

Now that she has been diagnosed, she is as resistant as ever. She has next to no social skills. She is polite and can say hi and possibly how are you. )I know she has a great deal of empathy, but no real ability to show it.) Past that, unless the conversation is within her narrow zone of interests, she has no ability to talk with people. As a teen, getting a part-time job will be extremely difficult. And she has no motivation to change any of this. Zero. She says she knows she needs to develop these skills, but she thinks she can do it on her own, or just with my help.

So, I am thinking the next few weeks and months will be tough. I would welcome any advice you have to give. How much should I push or force her into getting professional help? I foresee holding back (temporarily) her phone and access to the other things she loves as motivation to get the help she needs, but I also know these function as a release for her, a place of solace and comfort. She'll be 17 this November, nearly an adult, but in many ways, not even close to adulthood.

How do I handle this?

Thanks!
Karen

I responded to you in the other thread.

To help her with accepting and understanding her diagnosis, I would suggest that you look around for a local support group for teens on the autism spectrum, if such a group exists in your local area.

Also, what are her interests? Perhaps there might be a way to leverage her interests to help her develop social skills? Perhaps you could help her find a club she could join that is relevant to one or more of her interests?

Others have given what looks to me like good advice in your other thread here.

ask the school counselor

health insurance

Regional Center, depending on where you live

Your daughter's special interest may be the key that unlocks a tool for motivation.

In some ways therapy may not be the best approach. Many Aspies feel somewhat betrayed by the therapy they received. Not all but many. Many forms of therapy focus on prescribing drugs. In my opinion this is the wrong approach.

Many Aspies experience significantly more bullying than the general population. So you may want to sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart discussion on this topic. If it is occurring, you need to know what is happening. For males this bullying peaks during Junior High School and then diminishes. For girls this normally peaks during High School. Bullying can crush the self esteem of your daughter and produce great stress that can lead to distress.

In general normal individuals have strengths and weaknesses. But Aspies and High Functioning Autistics are different. They can have great strengths and great weaknesses. If they develop well, they can learn to use their great strengths to compensate for their great weaknesses. I would recommend that you allow her to advance in the area of her strengths rather than put the focus on her weaknesses.

There are many YouTube videos produced by young female Aspies. It may be of help to watch a few of these together with her. She may see herself in them and relate to the problems and solutions they experience.

Yes, I agree that her special talents are the key. What I want to do is support her in using those to move forward in life. I definitely don't believe in medication as a solution. She is extremely passionate about animals, which is wonderful and gives her a lot of options in terms of education and career choice. However, no matter what she will have to work with people, too. I can only hope that she will be able to connect with people through her interest in animals and thrive in what she chooses to do. One issue is that she is not easily motivated. If there is something to do with animals that is immediate or right in front of her, she is highly motivated to get up early, work hard, and engage. But planning something in the future, such as selecting potential colleges with programs she is interested in is like pulling teeth. She just doesn't do it. So, I guess long term motivation is very difficult. Yet, she needs to do that to get into college.

As for bullying, that is thankfully not an issue.

You might ask her the question "What does she want to be when she grows up?" Most children do not get asked this question until High School. But it is never to early. I asked my daughter what she wanted to be in the second grade. She thought about it and the next morning told me she wanted to become a doctor. I told her that was possible but she really had to work hard to become one. She did and is a medical doctor today.

Because she is extremely passionate about animals, perhaps a career in Veterinary Science. If so perhaps you can arrange for her to shadow a Veterinarian in your area, so she can get an introduction to the field. In the case of my daughter, she spend two summers when she was in her early teens working as a volunteer in the hospital. Maybe she could even work a summer internship?

Another field that may apply is using animals for therapy, such as horses. Here is a link to a thread where I discussed this. Equine-Assisted Therapy

Is she always slow? Or sometimes? Or for some time but there used to be other times?

Autistic people are often slow because of sensory issues or/and undivided focus. Switching between tasks (like doing something and listening to someone) costs a lot and can make a world of difference. I can't fry eggs and talk to my husband at the same time, I'll always screw up something. My daughter "couldn't be sad and brush teeth at the same time" but after she processed her sadness, she brushed her teeth without any prompting.

So, maybe your daughter was too slow because she needed to processs other issues at the same time - sensory like smells, heat, noise - or emotional, she's in a very difficult point of her life.

One of the problems that Aspies have in working is understanding the directions. Many times the directions an employee received is either insufficient or even wrong. And that can result in an Aspie employee being slow. Let me give you an example. I worked in a bank. My job was to assess the validity of checks. The bank had a card file with everyones signatures and I was suppose to check each signiture. I did this task diligently. Sometimes I would find what appeared to be forged signatures, other times strange signatures. For example one woman would sign her maiden name on the check when she was married and her married signature was on file. Generally when I brought these descrepincies to my supervisor, he would say it was unimportant. He said I was slow. The reason why I was slow was because I was very diligent in following his direction. Now when I look back on the incident, I understand that he did not really want me to be diligent, just fast. He just wanted a cursory review.

Is there a zoo close by where she could volunteer? At the stage your daughter is at, the motivation may not be so much earning money but rather building experience.

Many Aspies have problems with showering. Perhaps you could exchange showering in the morning with a warm hot bath in the evening prior to bedtime. Have her get in the habit of setting everything out (such as the clothes she will wear the next day) the night before. Many Aspies have a routine. They have a set way of doing things and they follow it religiously. They like routine. After college when I moved off on my own I had one routine. I knew how to make a good pot of chili, so I would make a pot at the beginning of the week and eat chili for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I love chili. I did this for 3 years before I got married.

One of the weaknesses in Aspies is in the area of Executive Function. As a result, many of us rely on notes and "to-do" lists. Whenever I go shopping I always have a to-do list. Another problem that Aspies have is in the area of multi-tasking. We absolutely hate trying to do two tasks at the same time. I have found that the most effective way to perform multitasking is to break down each task into a number of subtasks. Therefore I can complete one subtask before the next and the fact that the next subtask falls under a different task doesn't bother me.

The way an Aspie brain is wired, we learn differently and think differently. We have more interconnects in our brains. So the way we learn is different than normal but it can be just as effective.

Without reading all the responses or providing specific suggestions, I say that you can't force someone to accept help if they don't want it. I would NOT try to force her to; that will just be a waste of time and effort, and will probably backfire in a spectacularly negative way. You have two things going against you in this effort: the ASD, and the fact she is a teenage girl. Having raised both an ASD son and an NT daughter, I can tell you right now that this is a battle you. will. lose.

So. What to do? Sell her on it. Work it into other things. I think some of the posts above have had some specific ideas, but in large part this will be a "know your daughter" game. If she eventually chooses to accept help, she can NOT be feeling like she is doing it to make you happy; she has to have her own goals and reasons for engaging.