I hate that I'm missing so much. That I can't tell what is diplomatic and what is not, and where sensitive ends and blunt begins. I hate that I'm missing most of the gray areas of life.
I can't sit still half the time. I can't tell the difference between frustration in general and frustration directed at me specifically. I can't read faces past smile = happy and frown = sad. Sarcasm is lost on me unless it's in an extremely obvious tone.
I take things literally. I get stuck when talking because I lose where I am, my brain gets ahead of my mouth, or people look like they have no clue what I'm talking about.
Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I were one of the people on the spectrum who honestly didn't care and had no desire to connect with others. I try to connect with people, but precious few actually succeed. Perseveration, fast talking, talking about obscure things, all tend to affect that. I can't tell where boundaries are. I try to copy other people, but that very seldom works.
And the worst part? This is mild. This is about as mild as autistic gets.
I know life isn't fair, but autism tends to take that a little far in my opinion.
03 Apr 2013, 8:45 am
