Feel Like I'm Being Forced to Conform

Post Reply New Topic

Lately I have been feeling like I've been forced to conform. I keep getting told I need fit in to so that I can make friends. However, I don't care about getting normal friends, which are the kinds of friends I would end up making if I conform, let alone any friends. In fact, I would prefer nonconformist friends over those that conform.

Also, I am getting told that I need to conform to be successful. Sometimes it makes me doubt if I ever could be successful because I remember that being concerned about conformity has held me back before. Pretty much, I am being made to believe I am being presented with a Morton's Fork.

I am being told that rejection is a big deal, and when I accept it, I have a meltdown over it and get told that I have to work on being more flexible. When I try to explain to people that what I am being told is preventing me from being flexible, they often don't listen. They say that I should change myself for the world, but it seems like they are just saying I have to comply with whatever other people want, which often are people who fail to change themselves for the world. People are assuming that I am trying not conform because I want to be myself, but I actually see the self as an illusion and I don't conform because I see a lot of social norms as being illogical.

I have dealt with hopelessness and low self-esteem because of this, and because at my school I have to eat too little to comply with the rules at lunchtime, I have at one point eaten so little that I had to stay home from school the next day due to being sick.

I keep looping between realizing that what people are saying is illogical and doubting my own judgement. I need help getting out of this loop.

Conformity is the key to success ... for the mediocre!

For people with highly-developed skills or talents, conformity is anathema.

If you hate conformity, then you need to start working on being either exceptionally skilled in a sought-after craft or profession, or being exceptionally talented in some form of popular art or entertainment.

I want to get a career in science, but people at my school keep on saying I need to conform to get hired and keep a job. Any job. And they do this even though I am known for my high intelligence, they know my interest in physics, and I get A's in almost all of my classes (in my hardest class, I got a better grade from not being concerned about conformity, as that made me more inclined to experiment). Also, they seem to be concerned about me being isolated when I go to college due to my nonconformity. I don't give a crud. Besides, I know that college is a time when a lot of people start to experiment.

I do know that many scientists were eccentrics, and I might have to give examples to get them to stop pestering me.

I don't understand what people are telling you, but maybe it's like when I'm told I shouldn't have said this or that, I said too much to make sense, I said too little to make sense, etc. etc. It's demoralizing to chase someone else's idea of what's normal and good.

I think it's important to understand that some of the people pushing conformity have good intentions, some don't, and differentiate. The ones who are trying to be helpful should back down if you make clear it's hurtful or if you provide them with a goal they and you agree on working toward. But sometimes people push conformity not so you will understand how to fit in when you need to to achieve a goal, but rather because they think you should conform and they are looking down on you for being yourself.

Do you think this is nice people who want to help you know how to conform when you want to and could listen, or it is difficult people you're dealing with?

Ahh ... I think you may be experiencing the old Lobster Pot syndrome.

Ever watched lobsters in a pot? As soon as one of them starts getting near the top of the pot, the other lobsters will grab him and pull him down.

In human terms, those other people may be hiding their jealousy of you behind fake concern for your lack of conformity. They are trying to use this fake concern as leverage to drag you down with the rest of them and keep you there.

Tell them to sod off, and keep going for the gold!

A lot of the staff at my school are understanding, though I am having difficulty explaining to them why I don't want to conform. On the other hand, one of them, while having good intentions, will tell me that I must do what she tells me (and she gets on me for little things), often will go off topic, and is uncompromising. I have been trying to get her to agree on a goal, but she won't change the goal she set for me.

What you said made me wonder if that person who is uncompromising is doing some psychological projection. Since she wants people to do what she says, I think she may want to feel superior. May explain why she thinks I believe the world revolves around me and that I believe I am perfect (none of which I actually believe). It also may explain why she tells me to change for the world.

Nah, she's likel just being 'bossy', and wants to get her way. She might be accusing you of thinking that the world revolves around you because she actually wants the entire world - you included - to revolve around her. Just as some people get jealous of other people's success and try to pull them down, maybe she can't stand the idea that you would dare to succeed without first gaining her approval and permission. And by telling you to conform, she may actually be wanting you to conform to her wishes, so that she can have some claim to your success and rise above her peers on your good fortune.

Such people are parasites.

Again, the best thing to do is to tell her to sod off / drop dead / get lost, and then keep doing what you're doing on your own, and without her.

I used to conform many times when I entered college. It was to girly, emo, grunge, Goth, and feminist, from clothes to music and television. Conformity ruined my life and got me into trouble.

Yeah, I see conformity as restricting yourself to rigid rules made by others, and I don't see why people say you have to conform to be flexible. It makes no sense.

How did conformity ruin your life and get you into trouble? I don't want to ruin my life just because of being fed nonsense about how conformity will supposedly help me when I go to college.

In reality, you really only need to do the bare minimum to conform. Look decent, have good hygiene, don't be an a**hole. It's actually pretty simple to conform, beyond that if you're being yourself, your true friends will accept you. You don't really have to act like all the yolo swag douchebags out there to make friends.

They are asking you to do something that you cannot do because it does against who you are. You can't conform.

They are telling you to conform because they want to protect you from the very nasty human habit of attacking people who not part of the group. Success as an adult, for most people, depends on being part of a group of people who help each other. Part of being in a group is agreeing with what others in the group believe and acting like other members of the group. If you disagree or don't do things the way they do things, it will make members of the group not trust you. As a person with AS, I have experienced this again and again. The good news is that you don't have to be part of a group to survive. That is just how most people do it. It's in their nature. If you are good enough, you can get along without being part of a group.

My advice is focus on making good grades, graduate high school, and look for like-minded people in college. Once you escape high school, you'll be freer to be yourself. You might even find of group people you fit in with. If you don't, you can be a loner, as long as you are able to take care of yourself. High school teaches conformity. College teaches you to think for yourself and question the status quo. After college, when you have a career, you don't really have to conform too much (just follow the rules at work and don't break any laws).

Don't let these nobodies pull you down.

I'll add, high school has this b***** thing about fitting in. The world's not like that.

You're being fed a line of confusing b.s. Firstly, you obviously know how to "conform" or you wouldn't be pulling great grades. We get good grades when we conform to the instructions we're being given in our classes and learn what we're meant to be learning. You know how to conform to perform above the average for your age and year level at school, or you wouldn't be pulling all A's. You've also shown your ability to expand upon what you're expected to conform to, whilst still conforming, and have been awarded for that ability.

University is a much better place for people like us. At university you will still have to conform academically, but you will be focused on your interests (if you're in the USA not so much because of general ed component but still you get some choice in the matter -ed: and that changes at post graduate level study). You will be able to excel at University, and hopefully go on to post graduate study. Here is where we are often able to find our feet both socially and academically. You will have freedom to study and develop your own ideas, will meet others who share your interests and who inspire you to greater things.

I'd highly suggest you put your main focus on your study and keep on doing what you're already doing with your grades. Not sure what year you are in, but maybe start thinking about where you would like to go to university, start looking at university websites and 'put your head in' that idea for a while.

I'd like to tell you that 'the world isn't like high school' but in my 29 years since high school, I have found that it is, unfortunately, a lot like high school. What "the world" isn't like is university, and if you can get yourself into a scholarship position at the higher ed level, it's plausible you could end up doing scientific research at a university whilst teaching undergraduate classes (as well as receiving research grants and stipends to advance your research and study). Trust nobody gives a flying rat's how quirky you are in that case. As long as you can 'conform' to the rules set out by the university and you have something unique to offer, which you are already proving you can do at high school.

Social conformity is a load of bollocks. As long as you are obeying the law, doing your best to be a good person, and working hard on your goals, that is really all that matters.

Thank you for helping me get back on track. I think the problem started when I started being given Social Thinking worksheets in my social skills class. I thought it made no sense and was ableist, but I accepted it when I was told that what it was teaching was okay because I was insecure about if I knew what I should do socially. The Social Thinking curriculum was pretty much saying that the NT way is right, and the autistic way is wrong, so I started to do so many things that were unnatural for me that I was no longer able to cope. I think it may have looked like that I was not conforming when really trying to conform was making me exhausted and made me lose sight of what I wanted to do.

I now see clearly that Social Thinking is complete BS and that what you should do in a social situation is a matter of opinion. I will now focus on what I want to do with my life.