Feeling immense guilt for past things I've done / said

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I do, as well. For things I said, and learned, afterward, had not applied to the situation, nor him. To be fair to myself, I had a lot to learn, but I was too blunt, and Im sure, now, that he didn't mean what he said, in the way I interpreted it, and, respectively, did not deserve to be told certain things. If only I had become aware of things, sooner. If only I had not been hasty. I know how horrible it can feel, to be told that you have done something with different intentions. To be accused of doing something, that you didnt do, or didnt realize could come accross in such a way. I have been on the receiving end of that. I will never get past what I did, because, I was wrong, and, in turn, I imagine it was hurtful to him. The worst thing I could possibly do, is to hurt another person. I feel immense guilt and sadness, and horrible regret for what I said and did, and for the loss of my friend and the special friendship we had.

I frequently feel this way.

I had to learn how to love the reflection in the mirror and always talk softly and sweetly to me.

How do you differentiate between guilt and shame? After giving more thought to it, I think I have been experiencing both. I feel ashamed as I think of my behavior/actions, and guilt for the impact it may have had. Also, I know it's useless and unhealthy, to hold things against yourself, for an extended perior of time, but, I also believe one has to go through the healing process, or grief of it all, if you will, and only then, can you truly get past the negative feelings you have towards/about yourself/your behavior. Anyway, just had these thoughts surface, so, thought I'd add to my last post. And, I concur, auntblabby! : ))

Thank you. That makes sense, and that is how I have processed it. I think our minds become so flooded with thoughts of the impact our actions may have had on the other person, and shame is of no significance, in comparison. The shame is more of a self-centered reaction to the reality of ones actions, it would seem. Although, that seems comparable to what you read/wrote. I havent, yet, read what you linked. Thanks for posting it.

prego the article seemed fairly well-thought-out.

Excellent. Thanks. Sorry. Not to keep going on about it, but, I think shame can swallow you up, if you don't address it, timely, or properly. It can stay with a person, for quite a long time, if not, forever, I believe. I have been effected by it, in a couple, significant ways, for the past few years, as the result of being tricked/deceived. I have yet, to figure out why, since it wasn't something I allowed to happen, since I had been unaware of what the person was doing. So, I am not sure why or how it left me with shame. But, I find my self wondering this, from time to time. Perhaps, you have insight on this. I dont recall, ever researching it, but, now, Im compelled.

the shame may result from the cognitive dissonance between one's self-image versus one's disappointment in one's own actions or performance at some task or other existential thing. one may see oneself as being a good judge of character, discerning and vigilant, but when one gets blindsided by something or somebody despite all, it can be quite damaging of one's self-esteem and make one feel totally at sea, totally vulnerable to capricious fate. it makes one feel defenseless in many ways.

I think that is it. I know I experienced cognitive disonance, throughout the first several months of the aftermath, and I learned what you've mentioned, but, never made the connection with shame. Also, I remember the immense impact that the smear campaign had on my mind, and I recall noticing that I felt ashamed for the things I had been labeled as, despite it being false information. It's as if I absorbed what I imagined people thought of me, based on the false information they were receiving. Well, now Ive just had an epiphany of sorts. My perspective taking is not within normal range. I think there could be a connection between perspective taking, and the way my mind processed that experience. Thanks for sharing your knowledge. I'm going to think this over.

IOW "one can't fight city hall." if it gets to the point where one is an outlier among one's normal peers, then it is time to make plans to find some other place, if only to get away from those people.