My life is over

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Thank you for your post.

I wear hearing aids. I still can hear and speak but miscommunication is a barrier. I do sign language, but not much anymore because all of my NT friends are hearing.

I don't want to be dateless virgin for any longer because I knew I have this issue for five years. It getting me off the charts because I see people out there getting romance and sex while I struggle to get an opportunity. Let alone once.

I have lot of NT friends. I am not sure how successful they are, but I see they are more socially confident. But in their own terms they told me they still have problems of their own. Thus I am not alone here. From my perspective I see they are more successful or will be successful because of their ability to communicate effectively which that I cannot get it right thanks to my disabilities.

I am not sure about the looks and other things that women see me that make me unattractive. I haven't been called ugly or weird freak looks for many years now. Now days is more accusing me of a self centred kind of person and also seeing me in wrong way because of my perspective. Most of my female NT friends told me I am great boyfriend/husband material because of my personality, good behaviour and all of that kind of positive stuff. Despite that they still friendzone me, and turn me down. Even for fwb situations too.

I don't understand is relationships and sex in reality for everyone is getting harder these days?

I don't know if it's getting harder or not. I've been married 28 years so I couldn't tell you.

But what I can do is give you a couple suggestions. It's what I did basically. Tell your friends your difficulties and tell them to help you "renovate" yourself. Help you look better, come across better, etc etc. Ask the female friends too. Make sure you tell them that you value their friendship and since ya'll are just friends you feel comfortable asking them to help you fix yourself up to be more attractive to girls. Tell them to critique you and help you fix the things that you need to fix. Get your guy friends on board and go out and take one as a wingman. Get a good wingman though, that is very important. Take the one with the most experience at it.

I had friends who weren't the most popular help me when I was younger and it worked. It was hard work for me but I did it. I had to change a lot of things but it's second nature now. Back then we didn't know about AS, I was just a weird loser and I wanted to be normal so I learned how. There was no "passing as NT" or "neurodiviersity" or "they should accept me just as I am" cause this was the 70's in the Deep South. Big hair and nice makeup and good reputations and popularity were what was important. And being pretty. Hell, I eventually even made majorette which surprised the hell out of me and everybody else cause I can't walk across a flat, dry, well lit empty floor without tripping, but I managed to do some kickass s**t with a baton. It was my one savant skill I guess lol.

But in my experience, if these girls are your friends, as in they talk to you and yall hang out together and stuff, then they usually like to do something like that. I know my friends liked it and I had a guy friend who was my ringer to teach me about guys too. So, it can work.

As for the hearing thing, well my son won't wear a hearing aid. He's only deaf in one ear but it's completely in that one. He said everything would be too loud if he did that. He also refused an implant and said he will get one if his good ear ever messes up. He has trouble hearing on his bad side and sometimes has to ask people to speak up and if they cop an attitude with him he says "HEY! I'M DEAF IN THAT EAR! GONNA BE AN a**hole ABOUT IT NOW?" and they usually aren't and are apologetic. But he also jokes around that he gets lots of broken headphones from folks where only onle works so he's set for life with them. He's got a sense of humor about it. Thats important to have. If it's obvious that you are part deaf and there is miscommunication, make sure not to be embarrassed over it, or come across embarrassed over it. Do the whole "aww shucks" look and be like "Well, I can't help it but I'm really enjoying talking to you so it's worth the effort for me" and all. Play it down. I once knew a guy who had a harelip and managed to play that down and get girls all the time. He grew a mustache, didn't talk a lot, worked out all the time and wore tank tops. Jesse was HOT! He wouldn't ever date me though, I wasn't hot enough for him.

For real, ask your girl friends and the guy friends to help. Look some stuff up online. Hell, if you have the money see about one of those "life coaches" and get him to help you like in that movie "Hitch" which is total s**t but the idea is a good one and I've helped people that way.

So don't give up. Sometimes life sucks and then it stops sucking. That's when things get good.

I read this article from Tony Attwood regarding the relationship of AS with NTs.

http://www.mindsandhearts.net/images/ne ... ndrome.pdf

I've never read anything by him. I wasn't diagnosed until middle age so I don't see much of a reason for me to read about it. What does it say? Things are very slow loading here. Is it some sort of "You think this way and must do things like this and can't do that" kind of thing or is it a more laid back and encouraging article? I get really pissed at people who write that we can't do this or that (which I've done) or don't think or feel the other thing (which I do) and all the doom and gloom stuff that may discourage a whole generation and their parents and those who teach and help them as well. I don't blame just that, I know there are different levels of symptomatic but I honestly dislike those know it all kinds of articles that want to dictate your whole world to you. It isn't one of those is it?

A verbatim quote from Tony Attwood:

Dr. Attwood: I would like to state quite clearly that having a diagnosis of autism or Asperger’s syndrome does not render a person automatically incapable of being a good partner and parent. Indeed, many of the people I know with autism and Asperger’s syndrome as clients and friends are exceptionally good parents and partners. Should a separation occur between partners and a Court examine the issue of custody of children and access then in my opinion, any decisions should be made on the basis of the abilities of each parent and not simply assume that a parent with autism or Asperger’s syndrome is incapable of being a good parent.

Olivemom: Tony Attwood is very professional researcher and writer. He doesn't intentionally disregard AS. He support us and he is on our side, trying to figure out about development of communication and language skills. Here are few quotes, including the previous poster just quoted:

I can easily understand the perception of my NT partner and I'm pretty socially insightful and empathic. I had to learn it. It did not come naturally, and when I did learn it nobody had told me I had something wrong with me that made me unable to learn it. I thought I was just "geeky" (not the same as it is now, like IT guy's or something, it was like a "nerd" on Happy Day's) My husband is quieter than I am and isn't as social as I am many times. I go through times where I don't want to socialiaze and I'm fine just being home with the tv, but I will sometimes want to go out with friends and have fun while he's addicted to the TV. I've been diagnosed with AS, he's NT through and through and great with people without having to try, he just loves tv. He also works hard in the heat during the day and is tired and wants to sit home on the weekends and at night. He really likes being around his blood family though and I can't stand them. I don't get them at all and it's not my AS that causes it, they are just f****d up in some weird way. It's like they are the Kennedys without as much money or something. And without the big teeth. Just stuck up, well off, and very very image conscious and shallow. He's not like that but he understands them and enjoys being around them. When I have to go to a family reunion and stay there for a long weekend at the cabins with that whole group about 85 freaks plus kids and grandkids, I feel like I've stood tall in hell and deserve a medal. They aren't mean, they are just, THEM. Most people don't effect me like they do. I usually do great with people.

As I said though, I had to learn. I started learning it when I was about 13 or 14 and I finally got a few friends who didn't think I was dogshit and saw something in me and wanted to help me be more normal so I could have friends. They taught me. They literally explained things to me that nobody has to have explained to them, or so I thought. We have to have it explained a lot, some of us more than others and I was a more than others person then. I'm 51 now though and was dx'd during middle age. I just said "Huh, well that explains some things" and didn't think much more about it. It's not changing anything. I'm not being treated for it. I function very well. The only thing it did was help me realize when and why I melt down and how to avoid that and it made me feel better to know that I really couldn't help it even though it felt like I couldn't help it but I always suspected I just didn't try hard enough and was weak. I usually avoid meltdowns now that I understand myself better.

My experience and the experience of some older aspies who weren't dx's until later in life and those of us who had to learn to pass when younger probably have more of an experience like I have had. We learned and it was hard to do but we did it. We are the spectrum equivilant of the Depression era parent telling the kid we walked to school barefoot in the snow, five miles uphill both ways and we liked it. I know that not everybody can do it, but as you know it's hard for us to really understand that someone else cannot do what we can do, when it's a learned skill. I know it intellectually that some aspies cannot do it, but I don't feel that it's true. Just like NT's don't understand how we can't do what they can do naturally without a whole lot of help and learning many times, I have trouble feeling that it's true that people can't learn to do what I did because I did it. I'm not saying I don't believe it, I do believe it, I'm saying I don't FEEL it as true the way I FEEL it's true that some people are color blind or cant walk or there is some obvious reason for something. I guess I can't UNDERSTAND that some aspies can't learn to do it, or maybe I can't understand WHY. I don't know how to explain it. But I understand the NT very well, because I've learned this s**t my whole life and concentrated on it to the point that it's second nature to me now. I can't unlearn it and wouldn't want to if I could. But I can see the NT's POV a lot better than I can an aspie who was raised in an era when they were dx'd and had special ed and knew that there could be limitations and were taught that the limitations and differences were ok,etc, mainly because that has never been my experience. Mine was the opposite. So my experience, and those of some of us who grew up when I did and were dx'd older and can pass and get by and do just fine, probably share more of the perspective of the NT than we do the perspective of the aspie nowdays. That make any sense? I hope so. It's late and I'm all espresso'd up. With the chocolate beans too.

I think the biggest concern is how NT women understands me, even difference between knowing what AS means or not. There are so far more AS guys are single than anyone else in the world, anything I think of. Looking at that makes me feel so anxious because of being in similar position.

What Tony Attwood said in that article, it is not impossible for AS guys to miss out on relationship and sex. But I am so curious where he can prove that?

Other thing I am developing social anxiety in past week now because when I always positive and that it leads to cause problems and masseuse of errors where NTs taking it seriously. Played mixed social netball tonight, I never felt a little afraid to speak strangers than what I used to be. Because I have been criticized by a lot of people who knows me that I am self centred and talks too much.

What do you mean where can he prove what?

As for your social anxiety, that is where I would ask the friends for help. Have them tell you what you do wrong and practice not doing it or doing it a different way while out with them. To make it fair for them helping you, have them teach you things and then treat them to some place out to eat or whatever where you all go and you practice it.

I like that suggestion. I ask my friends then including the team.

Prove that AS guys not missing out on relationship and sex as he stated in the article. My family and friends said very same thing too, let alone not all of them understands what AS means. They are seem too overconfident or positive of me getting it. The trouble for me is to miscommunicate that as I can't see how that they prove themselves right? I wish they are being right. Let that Attwood, as a professional, said it too.

One of my older kid's friends has it. He's a bit worse off than I used to be, but he's part of the group from time to time. He's been married for about six years now. To a teacher.

The singer in the band that my daughter's best friend's boyfriend is in has it. He's pretty popular with the kids and has a gf.

Neither of these guys is that good looking and the first one has no money at all. It's hard for him to hold a job and they get by on her money. The second one has like college student money, which means maybe for beer and gas for the car to go to band practice and guitar strings and shampoo. That's about it.

Look at the guys on here who have it and who are married. I have it and I'm married, and yes I'm in possession of a vagina but that doesn't mean it's easy to find a relationship that I want. I did though. Been married for 28 years and have four kids. I think my youngest son has it but he's not at all interested in finding out. He's really popular despite some of his annoying stuff, whcih is basically getting furious when something isn't fair, or when something goes slightly wrong or anything like that. He's got a gf and a job. It's all in taking a chance. Chance after chance after chance and being willing to risk getting shot down over and over. It happens to guys more than girls but it happens to us too and to PLENTY of NT guys I know as well.

You just have to do it and leaarn what you do wrong and keep trying other things until something clicks.

You seem like a very intelligent guy. And you don't fly off the handle, and you consider other viewpoints.

I bet you'll get a girl soon. Just don't act like you are looking for a girl. Just go to places where your type of girl hangs out. And treat them like your buddies...until you ask one for a date.

I hope you find a lover soon.

I think that's what the film 40 Year Old Virgin was about 10 yrs. ago. It was made by an NT poking fun at AS people.

I didn't see it as pocking fun at AS people. I saw it about a nerdy guy. I didn't think AS or not. I thought "nerd". There have been nerdy guys in lots of movies. Was Revenge of the Nerds about AS people? Why is every character in a movie or tv that strikes a chord of insecurity in somebody with AS automatically assumed to be AS? How about Lenny and Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley back in the 70's? They were kind of losers and hardly had dates and were roomates and lonely who lived above Laverne and Shirley in the apartment building. They did things wrong and people laughed at them etc. Are Lenny and Squiggy AS guys who were being made fun of back in the 70's, even before most people heard of AS as well? If you were to watch some of the old episodes I bet you could assume they were.

I'd gladly take over the OP's life if I could.

How they ever get it? They are AS guys like me. Were they set up? I don't understand how it works. From my perspective it always happening to other people, but not me. I can't see myself getting in this area.

Its not fair. People kept telling me forget about it and don't compare to other people. But that makes me frustrated because I wanted to solve this crisis. Its hammering everything down.