scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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I think a 5. Maybe a 6? On this scale that's kinda good, right?

-5

Right now: 1.5 -2. I have been off work for two weeks with anxiety. I have always been able to tough it out and get to my leave, not this time. While out sick I got a formal diagnosis and explained this during yesterdays back to work chat over the phone, which I disclosed to my boss. "What is autism" he asked? I tried to explain to him, but where in the name of god do you start, sensory stuff, the triad/dyad? Autism is one of my special subjects, I could happily talk non stop for 6- 8 hours about it (in fact that sounds lovely) My boss stopped me mid flow and told me that he did not think I was ready to come back to work and to go and see the doctor, which I did. He agreed with my boss and now I am off for another 2 weeks. I did not feel to bad before the phone call, I just kind of fell apart during and after the call and have reverted to being the anxious jumpy stressed out autistic I was two weeks ago.

Withdraw into silence, disappear into myself... My path has always tended that way, and attempts to alter it have generally borne no fruit but pain and regret... There will be water if God wills it.

2, scratching away at things and getting somewhere with steely determination and kind support and guidance, I am a drop of water in a factory of paper bags shaped like hags, what is beyond them who knows but I hope to find out eventually!

Went to visit friends of the family yesterday, cleaning up the last things to do with Grandma's estate.

They're good people. The best kind of people. Followers of Christ (as opposed to people who just go to church and get all high and mighty), very down to earth. My grandparents were their mentors per Titus 2; if I were a Christian I think I'd want them to be our mentors.

And I kind of hope I never see them again (well, one more time, right now I have to see them one more time because they're fixing the blower motor in Hubby's car). They're everything I wish I were but know I will never be, because of anxiety and this f*****g disease. They are two of the last half-dozen people (them, my aunt and uncle, my grade school guidance counsellor, my childhood best friend) who I still talk to who remember me when I was little. I could cut those ties and, as long as I didn't let myself remember, the first 20 years of my life could finally just disappear (and take about half the load of shame I carry around with them-- and I think it would be fine to lose the happy memories to have that finally be dead).

That's probably a really sick way to feel. We promised Grandma we'd look out for each other. And I'd still have the OTHER half of the load. And today's risks are the humiliating shames of tomorrow and every day after for the rest of my life.

I'd like to just go to sleep. And stay there.

-5
I just pointed out how my reaction to a social situation my parents and brother were discussing was one very typical to asburgers and my brother responded by saying that asburgers doesn't exist and that every one on earth is exactly the same, implying that I was just being, I don't know, manipulative I guess. I told him he was being a jerk and that I would never be freinds with him if we weren't family and everyone got super upset and told me that that was really mean.
I was just being truthful; he's not the sort of person I would hang out with if I had the choice. He's the type who has a lot (hundreds) of "freinds", none of whome he actually really cares about.
I told them that he was being mean too and I was just responding in kind. And of course they didn't bat an eye at what he said.

0
I'm about 0 now I think. I like going through this thread. I'm on page 6 and I would probably keep going to the end if I had more time but I need to feed goats. I'm still upset because of my family and I want to avoid them but I have to walk past them to go feed animals .
My goats will make me feel better though. They're happy as long as I feed them and give them pets.

I don't know, what number is nervous butterflies? It's been a WEIRD month(and a really weird week) for me for sure, I've been more social than I have been in years and I've been trying a lot harder to connect with other people. I honestly don't care about the month long ban that I had that much since I think I've used the time more productively, I have some thoughts on a number of things I might post later that might explain things more. The negative thinking I think really was contagious and I think with the medicalizing/labeling of everything really traps people in a box of learned helplessness.

Not sure I can assign a number, because if it depends what I focus on.

If I'm focusing on the good things, such as art, it's a 9.
Because I've just had an abstract painting and a framed photo accepted into a juried exhibit in a library.
Why not a perfect 10? Because yesterday by accident, I ended up putting holes in a painting while working on it,
so now I have to throw away the canvas, and it would have been an awesome painting.

If I'm focusing on friendships, it's a 7.
Not a perfect 10, because while yesterday two people kindly treated me out for special birthday meal even though it's not my birthday, the conversation was a downer because of me, since I made them listen to why I'm in the process of dumping a fake friend who I've come to find out is a covert narcissist.

The friends who treated me out to lunch, btw, deserve a 10.

There are other things going on in my life which would rate a lower number,
but I choose not to focus on them.

Seems to me my strength is in art,
so that's what I should focus on.