I hate Asperger's and I want to kill myself

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yw. i like knowing my post was useful) also im not doing fake polite stuff, i do find benefits in being aspergerian. i understand and respect that somebody else doesnt. we all are different.

When I first started going on WP I would be upset by other people's posts saying they hate being who they are and wanting to kill themselves and try to talk them out of it. But now I just find it as annoying af. I must really be a heartless psychopath. I even wonder why I'm supposed to cry or even feel bad for people I've never known or met who have died in North America's most recent cold wave. People die all the time, death is as common as life. And that's all there is to it.

That may be all there is to it for you right now, but a lot of the way people respond depends upon what the other person they are feeling this or that emotion for represents to themselves. It is also probably related to what function a particular representation serves to a particular person in a particular context.

i also get such negative emotions. tho i do try to not let them out, try to imagine what level of distress would bring something like hating part of one's identity to life. but yes, admitting. i get it. no details though, that would be unwarranted.

Joe90, I have death thoughts too, on average twice a week. Facebook seems to make it worse. I feel so similar to you that it's like we could be the same person. I would feel really, really sh***y in that situation too - firstly, to find out someone who I'd thought was one of the few people who I could relate to suddenly seeming to soar off into PopularLand, leaving me behind, which I've felt, and it's incredibly lonely - and secondly, to be annoyed at work to the extent that I can't function because my brain just stops.

I understand your feelings - they are normal feelings. There is nothing wrong with you. I'm pretty sure NTs feel this way as well. The fact that you can feel this way is proof Asperger's hasn't shut off your capacity to process emotions, which is a good thing. And you should allow that it may not be because of Asperger's that you're in this situation. Maybe you're in a stage of your life where you should be selecting which friends you want to actually commit to and which to let fall by the wayside, as just acquaintances.

When I became poor, I lost contact with most of the people I thought liked or even loved me. The few who remained have become my Inner Circle. If my life ever changes and I ever hit the big time, these few select friends will be the only ones privileged with complete access to my life. The rest will be kept at a respectful distance. I know it sounds bloody arrogant of me, but that's the way I have to think about it to keep my self-respect. Even if I remain poor for the rest of my life, I will never believe I deserve anything less than the best, and you should do the same. You WERE the winning sperm - for a bloody good reason: you beat over 10 million competitors because you're freaking POWERFUL. Never, ever believe anything less of yourself!

You can try this exercise: On a piece of paper, write down the one thing you would absolutely LOVE to believe about yourself - like, the most positive and awesome thing ever. Write it in bold, black letters and stick it somewhere where you will see it all the time. Over time, you will reprogram your subconscious mind and will start believing it.

Who gives a s**t what other people believe about you or how many invite you to parties? It's only what you believe about yourself that matters. The world's an ocean, and you're running this ship, baby. YOU.

I completely understand how you feel.

correction. indiffirence what STRAHGERS/casual contacts think of. i mean, its my take. an opinion of a given person makes as much impact on me, as much i care for them.

How can you correct me, serpentari? I offered an opinion. My opinion hasn't changed just because you "corrected" it.

can i, at least on autistic forum, not think about every single word? i said its my take. as in, how i see it. i didnt mean to change anybody's oppinion.
call it "vihja's POV addendum" if it makes it more comfortable.

Thanks for all your posts here everyone, they are all helpful. Sometimes I just have to come on WP and pour my heart out when something has bothered/upset me. It usually helps. And I do love reading the replies people give.

I just felt downhearted the other day. It seems that everybody around me has had that experience of being in a big crowd of friends that they are not forced to mix with, they made these friends themselves. My boyfriend said he was born shy, and suffered terrible shyness as a little kid, but when he was a teenager/early 20s he did a lot of things with a large group of friends. I just will never know what it feels like to be included in a decent group of friends - without feeling left out in the group. Once upon a time I did have a group of friends I'd met at college, and we'd meet up on Saturdays and hang out, and for about a year I did feel included, like I was part of something. But some of them just lost touch and got in with another crowd, and the remaining ones started to bully me, accusing me of flirting with their boyfriends, and then threatening to beat me up. So obviously I kept away from them after that.

Some things that happened in childhood still make me feel hurt to this day. When I was 10 I had an operation on my ears and nose, and I had a week off school. When I came back, I felt a little ill at playtime (it was raining so we couldn't go outside) and the teacher supervising the class sent me to an empty quiet computer room to sit with a drink of water (there was a comfy sofa in there). She sent another girl to go with me and sit with me so that I wouldn't be lonely, but when we got there the girl asked me if I wanted someone else to sit with me instead of her. I said no, but the girl didn't really want to sit with me, so she insisted she'd get someone else to, and she went off to get a girl who was supposed to be a closer friend of mine. But this one came storming into the room, yelling at me, "you're such a fussy Fred aren't you?" and sat down in a huff. I told her to just go back into the classroom and carry on playing, so she did. I just sat there on my own, feeling like nobody cared. I could imagine that if that was any of the other girls who had returned to school after an operation and she still felt a bit weak or sore, I bet one or even more of the other girls would WANT to sit in the quiet room with her, even if it meant giving up their playtime. I know I would be delighted to keep a friend company if they were feeling ill.

Things like that have been happening all my life, not just in childhood. I would give a few more examples, but this post would be too long. I've always felt unimportant to people, and I do take it personally because I know they wouldn't treat other people like that. It's just me, because I have this Asperger's, I suppose. So this is why I am afraid of organising a social event for me, in case people think that I'm not worth enough to give up their precious time for, but they'd jump at the chance of attending somebody ELSE'S party.

its good to know u feel better. now to essense. its not about YOU being unimportant or smth. its about some people just not caring for others. for them, only important person is themselves. and while u could consider them friend, they could also call u that, but not feeling this "want to make them feel better"thing. not because smth off with u - bc smth is terminally wrong with THEM. i've had a lot of that s**t too. dont take it personally, please.

I would suggest to anyone including myself to try to put a simple plan in place. Do something small that you know is good for you. Choose something not too difficult but a little difficult. Do not let emotion take over because then thought can go crazy. Emotion and reason need to work together. When thought and emotion are not fragmented, intelligence becomes the director. Then there is a grounded three tiered clarity.