scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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My brother with Asperger's has a PhD and got a high paying job a few months ago. He looks down on me somewhat because he doesn't think I try as hard as he does, but I didn't have the same opportunities that he did. He got assessed differently than I did and got a diagnosis as a child, got different support from school and our parents, was allowed to do more things, and got financial help for university because he has diagnosed Asperger's. I'm glad he's successful, but I sometimes think he is very disconnected from what life is like for a lot of autistic people, especially female-born autistic people. I am sometimes jealous of him, but also not because my experiences have made me more understanding of other people and I would feel terrible if I treated other autistic people like that.

-8, same reasons, really. Wish I wasn’t so defective and/or that my best could at least sometimes be enough. It’s really, really hard to keep trying and trying when you’ve spent all your life being told over and over and over again that it isn’t.

-6. I want to distract myself with writing and games and all sorts of fun s**t, but nothing seems worthwhile at all. s**t in my head just keeps running around if that makes any sense, even if I'm all alone by myself at night when it's nice and quiet I still can't feel at peace. I'm so f*****g sick of it all.

-5.

I was feeling okay today, but I got really overwhelmed trying to cook from all the steps and the sound of everything cooking, and ended up feeling like I was going to have a meltdown, which made me mess up what I was cooking because I couldn't pay attention. Now I feel stupid for getting so upset, which ironically makes me more upset. LMAO

Cooking sounds are the worst!! !! Spoons stirring, cutlery clanging, packaging crackling.

I feel for you, my friend, one misophonic soul to another! (Is that a word?)

I feel 4. I need to bleach my brain after a stressful book.

I hate the sound of multiple things cooking because it's like my brain just shorts out and can't focus on anything but those sounds. I didn't even know what the hell I was trying to do at one point and had to step away for a second, I was so flustered. lol

Also, what book were you reading?

Cooking aromas give me migraines, on top of the noises. Sizzle sounds --- grrrrrrr ! !! !

I have to be quick with food prep and try to avoid sounds / ongoing aroma, like anything roasting in the oven.

I read Madame Bovary. I read it about 30 years ago but forgot how much of a sociopath she is. I seemed to recall it as a romance, likely because I was so young at the time.

Only 8, and only because today is a payday Friday.

0, as in “neutral” this time, rather than “nothing.” I think my depression is finally letting up a bit.

It's a heck of a lot better than Minus 8---that's for sure!

+6.

I have insurance now.

Edit: I also just noticed that even though it is state insurance it covers HRT, which is interesting.

-10.

I just got kicked out because no one even mentioned apparent issues they were having with me and apparently that's my fault I didn't magically fix them? Cool. And now I have an insurance card being sent somewhere I don't even live anymore.

That's pretty drastic. What happened?

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'm still not entirely sure. My brother came home from work and yelled at me about how we were getting kicked out and said it was because of me.

Apparently his girlfriend said I wasn't "doing anything" and that she has "certain standards for kids in her house", which is funny because when her kids were here I picked up after them since they refused to clean anything, and I have been taking care of all the animals and most of the cooking and cleaning, and have offered to do a bunch of other stuff she wouldn't even let me do because "it can be done later".

Apparently when she complained my brother told her that he wasn't going to talk about her issues with me to me and that she needed to do it so she got angry and that's my fault, somehow, and it's my fault I didn't read her mind and tell her every single thing I was doing to get my license and that I was doing in school even though she never asked.

It's fine though, because I'm not stupid and noticed she was getting increasingly snotty at me and treating me like I'm dumb so I knew something was going to happen. lol

Are you going back to your parents?