What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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Sorry I'm ranting here too much today, I'm just feeling really really anxious about something money-related, and it's making me feel hypersensitive to everything else too.

Just thought I'd mention this before anyone tells me to "stop complaining", because that really wouldn't help.

Just had a good cry. But I don't think I've got it all out yet. I can see more crying to come on and off throughout the weekend.

Posting my troubles here really helps a lot.

I miss my mother.

The housing market, office politics, failed relationships, health stuff, the world generally being on fire, etc.

My partner and I made a couple of bird feeders.
One is outside our bedroom window and the other in the outdoor area.
Waking up to colourful parrots doing acrobatics and chortling outside the window has been absolutely magical.
It puts a smile on our faces and makes a happy start to the day.
Legit the best thing we've done for our mental health everrrrrr.

I've been feeling extremely frustrated lately, realizing that the reason everyone treated me so kindly in school is because they thought I was severely intellectually disabled, no one ever tried to teach me what human behavior looked like, I wish I could go back in time and show everyone how smart I really was, I feel that I was failed by everyone around me my entire life up to this point, being led to believe that I was normal was the worst thing that was ever done to me.

I really wish my mother was still alive. She was the only person who enjoyed my music.

Why is the world so complicated? It's just too exhausting.

My partner was horrible to me. All I did was walk into the room to look at the internet router because it had disconnected while I was trying to watch a YouTube video, and he just snapped at me. I could tell he was in a bad mood so I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing was the matter with him and that it was me. But it wasn't me, all I did was walk into the room and said the internet wasn't working and calmly switched the router off and on again. He yelled at me over nothing, so I said "you're definitely in a mood, what's wrong?" And he just shouted "I am not in a mood!!"

It's not usual that he gets in a mood, so whenever he is it's usually because he's worrying about something that he's not telling me about. He doesn't seem to understand that I can read him like a book. So now I know there is something on his mind and he won't tell me about it until a few days time.

I want to confront my apathy, existential exhaustion and everything that looked like a form of nihilism.

Solve and sit with it like any other.


But my head has other ideas; they like to self-entertain.

"Not now, brain! I wanna dig deeper without resorting to shortcuts (meds and binaural beats) so you won't be as glitchy coping with all that processing power into fanfiction AUs as you are now, and instead just be how I wanted you to be and live the life I want."

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I’m not sure if it makes the utter aloneness of being me any easier to bear, watching the human race fail dramatically at the task of establishing civilisation on our poor battered planet

Just had a meltdown because of them c***s upstairs. Me and my partner had an argument over it (he's in a foul mood anyway so that just made it worse) and I ended up slamming the door as hard as I could and then punched the ceiling screaming "SHUT THE F**K UP!! !! !! !! !!"

At least they quietened down a bit but now my partner is mad at me. This is what those bastards are there are doing to us and nobody gives a s**t. Nobody. Landlords don't care. Council don't care. Nobody. We've just got to live with it. It makes me hate them with a passion, I even hate the horrible kids and I've never hated kids this much before. It's not even in my nature to be like this but this is the effect their constant noise is having on my mental health.

EDIT: Okay my partner isn't as mad at me as I thought. He said the banging from above annoys him as well, but just not as much as it annoys me. Well, it annoys him, but with me it goes beyond annoyance, it's more like a sensitivity nightmare that causes anxiety.

I like the way it only takes me a few minutes to calm down after a meltdown then I'm as right as rain again.

Chocolate. I am an addict. I need to work on that.

I saw my high school classmates get into graduate school at a prestigious university, and I realized that I could have, but I didn't.

I don't feel like people here on WP ever respond to me when I try to be reasonable about things or discuss non-political things.

The cliche on why bullies bully: "Oh it's because they're insecure and unhappy", as if this is supposed to make the victim feel better.

But it's hard to think like that when you were the kid with no friends, being bullied by kids who were popular and well respected. You start to kinda think "you know, maybe I do deserve it".

Like when I was in high school one kid told me to "get a life", so I responded with "you get a life!" And she said "um, I've got one, thank you", and skipped back to her large group of friends who were all laughing and joking with her like they were all having fun. As I stood there on my own I just muttered, "touche", feeling so hurt, lonely and unliked.

This is why I don't bother getting reassessed even though I still doubt my diagnosis. I mean, to be as lonely and worthless as that in high school, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I'm allistic.
NO, NOT saying people on the spectrum are worthless, but it's still sadly quite normal for people on the spectrum to be treated like I did by their peers at high school. Well, I think I was too lonely even for an Aspie. Other Aspies have better social lives at school than that.