I haven't decided yet...

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I've withdrawn from college twice because of stress and anxiety. A vocational institution followed shortly after. I can't seem to do anything right. Everyone who gets close just ends up feeling hurt, angry. It feels like my own family hates me at this point.

Maybe my mother was right. Eugenics dictates that my genes are removed, and it's nothing personal. People avoid me because I'm flawed, a source of misery, a drain on society. They keep me around because they can't stomach the executions.

I sent a text to my ex girlfriend, apologizing, saying goodbye, and that I haven't yet made a decision. I doubt I'll ever have her respect, and it wouldn't surprise me if she hates me. Every time someone approaches me, they have the look of settling in their eyes. I know they'll be gone the minute something better comes along.

My affairs are nearly in order, and if I do decide to follow that path, I want to leave as little mess as possible. Inside, I want to be saved, but I doubt that's what everyone else wants. I'm nothing. I cause pain and discomfort everywhere I go. Just please don't make this any worse.

I can't find a solution on my own, to get me out of this mess. I was hoping you would have answers. If you don't, please don't try to talk me out of this. Don't toss me flak. I'm sorry if I'm wasting your time, as that's the last thing I want to do. Yet, it seems like the only thing I can do.

There's nothing left but daydreams and fantasies. Real life has robbed me of everything else. I'm struggling, and I can only see one legitimate path.

India Arie - This Too Shall Pass lyrics

My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the pastso I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized
that it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
this too shall pass...

I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper
this too shall pass


As a side note: F**k Eugenics!! !! !! !!

I cannot say I have the answers. Even if I did, I wouldn't talk you out of anything or try to invalidate how you feel.

What I will do, however, is give you a hug.

*hugs*

For those who responded, thank you. I've gotten help, and I can only hope that things continue to improve.

New meds, some time surrounded by lower functioning individuals, and I think I'm feeling alright now.

Again, thank you.

I'm glad you are feeling better.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through some rough times.

I've found that being around more low-functioning people has helped me deal with stress, too.