My therapist keeps telling me I should write down my feelings, but I can't make mysefl write something that nobody else will ever see so here I am...
I hate life. It's not so much that I want to die as much as I just don't want to live.
For me every waking moment is filled with a constant mental pain and (when I'm stressed) physical anxiety I can feel in my chest and that often times manifests as IBS and bad neck and back pain On top of it all is the utter and complete loneliness of it all. I have family, and a smattering of friends, but nobody I feel close to. Indeed I'm not sure I really am capable of ever being close to another person. Even worse I feel MORE lonely when I'm around other people. Going out by myself is a very draining experience on my emotionally, filled with anxiety and loneliness, so I rarely go anywhere. It just hurts too much.
I try to manage my stress with varying success. I get stressed easily over stupid little things, especially if they are beyond my control and/or they cause problems with following my preplanned actions. This is a big problem at work when i'm trying to get my work done and I'm forced to interrupt it to take care of some critical issue. It's gotten to the point where I do nothing at work all day and then do all my work at home at night, where I can work uninterrupted.
About the only way I can remain calm ("calm" being a relative term, especially for me) is to stay (literally) locked up at home, in a very controlled environment where little or nothing unexpected happens. Of course even that is not always possible and so even at home I'm sometimes feeling the pain of existance.
My therapist keeps offering suggestions along the lines of trying to go out more and be around people more. She says it will get better with time, but to me that's like saying if you hold your hand in the fire long enough it won't hurt anymore...but in reality your hand is just dead.
My entire life is falling apart now...I'm about to be sued by at least one credit card company for nonpayment, my job performance has dropped through the floor, and I'm all but incapable of doing even the simplest tasks anymore. If I didn't have dinner at my mom's house next door every night I'd probably just come home every night and go to bed without eating, because I don't even want to go grocery shopping anymore, let alone actually cook. The financial stuff is particularly stressful...I've been trying to mortgage my house to consolidate my debt, but I keep running into stupid problems with the paperwork and now it looks like I can't do it for another 2-3 months, but by then my credit score will be like 0 and I'll probably have been sued by then (they wanted their money two weeks ago, all $25000 of it.) Dealing with people on the phone is very hard for me, and between the constant phone calls AND having to run around downtown to try to straighten out the recording of the deed for my house it has drained me even faster.
I'm just not sure I can hold myself together much longer. I can actually feel my mind trying to tear itself apart at the seems. The constant mental pain, and loneliness, and anxiety, and the hopelessness...it's too much. I never get a break to catch my breath. I don't feel really close enough to my own family even to discuss any of this with them, so I go it alone as always, and I would kill for even a hug right now.
I'm going to go eat lunch now...maybe I will feel better then.
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Quantum Mechanics -- the dreams stuff is made of
10 Jul 2006, 10:44 am
*plenty of hugs* I can relate to the emotional draining.. and the pain. Hopefully things start looking up soon.
