havent felt this strange and alone ever

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im 21 years old, undiagnosed.
my mother is mentally ill and ive always thought i may be aspie/schizotypal.
she lives in her own world and has problems with communication, as do i sometimes.
my relationship with my parents is strange, unhealthy, and aggravating.
ive never felt that ive had a dad, just more of a big brother and im an only child.
my dad has never felt like my real dad.

for the past couple weeks ive been thinking more and more about suicide and imagining the easiest ways of doing it.
i have been feeling more and more alone as days go by,
the interesting this is the less im alone physically, the more i feel alone mentally.

i spend everyday paying attention to how everyone else interacts with each other and i think about how i cant connect on the level that everyone else can.
its become an obsession. i analyze the emotions of everyone only to feel more isolated by them.

ive become so terrified of being hugged, shaking hands, and even greeting people and i cant really explain why.
ive always felt like this most of the time but its been intensifying more and more

ive been crying more spontaneously because i feel so distant from everyone else
i cant keep living like this but i dont know what to do

My suggestion to you would be to slowly start inserting yourself into social situations and to as well slowly get used to hugging and things like that. You don't have to jump right into the lake.

I offer you my 'good luck' as well.

I can never get used to hugging and things like that.
One of the reason I don't like handshakes is because I have very skinny hands and I have no strength in my hands because of it.
Hugging and handshakes are the most uncomfortable feelings to me.

Well, what's good about that is you don't have to do either.

AS doesnt prevent you from developing social skills, it just delays you. Keep pushing the envelope when you can and you'll pick things up over time.

There are still things I cant do well but Ive come a long way. Be straightforward with people, don't ramble on too much, learn some modest polite small talk skills and try to remember that people need periodic chit chat to maintain a sense of connection to you. If you go silent, they'll assume you are aloof, arrogant, etc. From their perspective, you are the one who is being unpleasant.

You need to learn to trick them. That's all it is.