Don't know how much longer I can deal with this...

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Ok so I am still living at my moms place, though I spend more time at a friend of mines house.....I usually sleep there, to so that takes some of the stress out of my life. But there are still some things that are getting to me. So I guess I'll start with my mom.....I eat dinner at her house and hang out there sometimes when I am not at the friends house. But its like when I say certain things she looks at me like she feels sorry for me or something. I can't stand that expression.....not to mention I feel like if she knew more about whats been going on in my life the past couple years she would have kicked me out of her house for good already.

I mean she does not even know I drink, or that I spent my first year of college lonely and miserable......and started drinking a lot. She does not know the full story about what happened during my second year of college when i stopped attending class in the first semester and eventually completly dropped out. It is true I stopped going to class because of some PTSD issues.....And of course this made me feel pretty worthless so I got a bit out of control and spent a few months on drugs most of the time. She has no idea......she does not know how I am when I get away from her and some of the other family members. I mean looking back I don't really feel guilty about doing that I just feel wrong about living at my moms place when I am fairly convinced if she knew the full truth she would not allow it.

I just have to wonder if I am wrong for leaving out major parts of things that have happened and do happen in my life....when i talk to her due to the fact I am not quite ready to risk being completly kicked out. I mean I dont know if that would for sure be her reaction but I think she woudl take it as me 'lying and taking advantage' I mean I am only trying to survive.......but i know she would not approve of the ways I deal with things and how I live my life when she's not around. I am like my dad in this aspect, its why she divorced him.

I'm so sorry you feel that way. Do you really think you'd be out if you told her the truth? If so I'd find a way to save up to move out...but please do what you can to stay away form drugs and alcohol. You seem like too much of a good, intelligent person to go down a bad path. I wish you the best of luck, and I really hope you feel better.

What you need to do is take control of your life as best you can. Do what you can to make the people who put up with you happy, do what you can to relax, and ask yourself how you can make things better for yourself.

Well I have cut down on all that, because I am trying to do well in college, so I feel like I have that under control....but still I just hate the idea that if she knew all that she would not want me in her house. I mean maybe it would not be such a big deal but I have no plans of bringing it up to her because I am worried about her reaction and don't really know how I would go about it. I do have plans to move out fairly soon though so hopefully that works out.

I am certainly working on taking control of life and doing something with it.....as for making people who put up with me happy that is what I did for my entire childhood. I always put everyone else first and focused on making them happy......well quite frankly I need to make myself happy sometimes(though I prefer the term mildly content). But maybe thats not what you meant by that.