So confused about people!! !! !!

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Every day I live in confusion about people and Autism. The more I feel myself fitting in and interacting normally along with NTs (which I often do naturally), the more I get treated even more unfairly - even though I always see other people interacting exactly the way I just did.

1. When I was at school teachers used to get on to me saying, ''you must give other people space! It doesn't matter if she is your best friend - you must give her space!'' Like, what the f**k?! I looked around at other girls in my class and it was like they were glued to eachother. How come they don't have to give eachother space? And I heard them saying that they spend hours together at week-ends. I never, ever saw any of my schoolfriends at any week-ends.

2. I read somewhere that ''NTs don't like being on their own''. I'm sorry, but I thought I heard a lot of people in my past telling me that ''other people like their own space''. Also I read that ''NTs crave friendly attention''. I'm sorry, but they can't crave it that much if they claim that I'm their best friend then get sick of me already if I just give them one text asking if they want to meet up with me, and ''want their own space''. I want my own space nearly all the time, but I still let friendships step in every fortnight or so - there's no harm in that! Come on, NTs - I thought you'd know better!

3. ''Empathise with others''. Fine - I can do that easily. And you can't ''overdo'' empathy just by looking and acting curious. But when I'm curious about people, apparently I'm being nosy, but if other people get curious about them in exactly the same way I do, it's OK. And people know that I am really good at keeping secrets to myself without going off and telling the world, yet they still would rather empathise with somebody who is likely to b***h it out to others behind their back.

4. I said this before and I'll say it again:

All that what is written in the white quote box is BS. It's the biggest NT myth (made up by Aspies). Only 2 percent of people (any people, not exactly just NTs) will be lucky enough to live this life - a life of paradise with no problems, and I mean not one problem at all, and I also mean every single point in the white quote box fully explains their life. (OK, this last point doesn't have much relation to the actual topic, but hey it's still part of my confusion).

Thanks for reading my angry confusion.

1. People do need space, mentally and physically. Like say, i dunno, being asked continious questions isn't 'giving space' but just hanging out can been seen as doing so. I don't know why, but thats just how it seems to be. I just tend to only see people when they want to see me, so they decide the level of space and closeness.

2. People like to be on their own at some times and with others at other times- depending on mood and stuff, right?
Maybe it's the way you approach things? Like the difference between saying 'do you wanna hang out sometime?' and 'would you like to go to *insert place here* on *insert date here*' - one isn't clingy and the other is. But, i don't know your personal situation but I used to make that mistake all the time.

3. Again, it's possibly just how you word it. I'm so bad at that and people just think i'm being rude and intrusive, even when i'm trying my hardest not to be.

These may be way off, but thats how I get problems with the things you've described.

I just have given up on 99% of people. Too confusing and too much effort.

I think maybe the teacher failed to show a distinction between being in a person's personal space and violating it. Personal space is a complicated thing.





I think again, there's a fine line between curiosity and nosiness, that is sometimes very difficult to discern. Everyone seems to have a different sensitivity level to interest, and there's certain things they don't want you to be interested in, and certain things they do. Very tricky.



I think 2% is a very high figure.



I think the problems you mention here seem to mostly revolve around you trying to find the 'hard and fast' rules so you can apply them to each situation equally, when in fact, the rules are squidgy and soft, and situationally dependent. Sorry about that.

I suspect that the problem is that you violated some kind of NT norm, without being told what it is, in each case.

For instance, "space" often refers to one's "personal bubble"- a distance from others they view as comfortable. Personal bubbles vary not only by individual, but by relationship. Standing the same distance from a classmate as you would a teacher, or a total stranger, or a friend, can have very different reactions. There is some kind of rule which governs this, and no one will explicitly state it outside of advertising courses.

I recall hearing some years ago about how travelling salesmen were instructed in regional variations in personal bubbles. For instance, how far one must stand from someone in Texas versus Boston, when to move closer, and the appropriate level of hand gestures at each distance. I can try to find it for you.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_space may help with creating some rules of thumb for you to follow.

Regarding mental "space," I think it is a matter of using clues to determine what exactly the relationship is. Say that you have a classmate whom you occasionally talk to for the past year. This classmate will have been throwing clues at you, dropping nonverbal hints regarding the intimacy of your relationship. If you judge wrong one way, you may be viewed as standoffish (he has been showing signs of friendship which you missed), and if you judge wrong the other way, you may be viewed as too intrusive (he has been showing signs of you being an acquaintance).

Picking up these social cues is very tough. Partially because it can be very hard to determine just what they are in the first place.

There are some rules of thumb you can follow to mitigate this effect. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of practice and feelings of being a failure before you'll be fluent in it.

So it seems my social interaction is average in itself, but the way I approach friendships may show too many clingy signs.

Lots of people at work have complimented that they ''like working with me'' because I am ''fun to chat to'', and I know they're not just saying that because I do have a laugh while we work, and I do know that they're enjoying my company. So the way I converse may be just average, maybe not really confident, but average enough to be able to get along with other people (after all, I am quite a shy person). I've always been told that it takes two to make a conversation. It's no good just being all on one, and if the conversation is between an Aspies and an NT, you can't always blame the ''awkward silences'' on the Aspie (well, this is in my case anyway). If the person I'm with is chatty and bubbly, I can have conversations with them which will last for a long time, and also it's more easy and comes natural to both me and the other person, and then I become friends, and it goes from there (which I will explain in a moment). If I'm with a person who isn't very friendly, I can sometimes tell if they are that type, and so awkward silences build up. I'm a type of person who takes people as they come, and I like to have small talk with them (which is easier than having a full-blown conversation when you hardly know them yet). That way, by using small talk, I can figure out what sort of person they are very quickly.
Then, when I find that we are getting on so well and I know that they are enjoying my company and we start chatting about things what you have in common, either me or the other person will say, ''we ought to meet up some time,'' or, ''would you like my phone number?'' Sometimes you find yourselves automatically having eachother's phone numbers or email addresses without having to ask eachother - it just comes up in conversation. Once a friend from the US said that she was moving back o the US, and she was telling me about it, then suddenly said, ''....so if you give me your email address I can email you and keep in touch.'' And so I did, and we kept in touch since.