not very helpful replies to numerous threads in The Haven

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So I've noticed a very annoying and disturbing trend in a good number of threads started in the Haven...some including my own.

Whenever someone addresses a problem of not having a job or dealing with living with parents or not having money, me or a related situation, these threads will often get some certain replies consisting of "Get a job." or "You're -- years old. Why don't you just move out?" Those are the two frequent biggies but I know there's more.

These kind of responses make me angry. If we were capable of getting a job or moving out of a home we are having a difficult time living in do you think we would even post having such problems in The Haven to begin with?! The point of us addressing a problem such as "I can't find a job and I don't have any money" is just that. And people who are full grown adults are addressing the issue of living with their parents BECAUSE they have NO OTHER OPTIONS people! I can't tell you how many times I addressed my issues on here with living with my parents and not being unemployable and having no money while getting the same old response of "you're 27. Why don't you just move out?" It's failing to miss the point that we are trapped in the situations that we are in that getting a job and/or moving out are not options (especially not without money) and are part of the reason why we're trapped. I don't get why people respond to such threads such a way. That's like asking a question and getting an answer that is the freakin' question!

I think it's because there really isn't an answer that doesn't end at you finding a way to support yourself somehow whether it be a job, your own business, finding someone other than your parents to support you, or something completely out of the box. The alternative is pretty bad. You're the only one in control of your life and it sounds like you don't think you'll ever be capable of supporting yourself; that can be a self fulfilling prophecy. Your parents aren't immortal and you're not without skills I would assume. Set your mind that you will succeed and you will find a way - have faith.

I've noticed too, people on the spectrum should be more understanding. But we dont live in a perfect world.

One can choose the questions they ask but not the answers they get.

Sometimes the answers are simple, yet the individual asking the question overlooks that fact, or has convinced themselves otherwise.

Sometimes they are simple in theory yet difficult to implement. Moving out is an example of this. However, frequently the largest obstacle lies within the individual's mind, and throwing back a simple solution challenges them to examine this obstacle and ask themselves "Yes, why not? Why don't I move out?"

The first step to implementing a solution is doing a feasibility analysis. The person should determine all of the reasons why they can't move out and think of ways to address them.

Ultimately a game plan should be formed, comprised of smaller goals the person can work towards to achieve the larger one.

I am on the spectrum, and I do understand. So when I say, "Move out, get a job, and support yourself", it is from first-hand experience in how difficult and how rewarding it can be.

i agree that you guys make it sound so simple as if i just walk out and everything is fine and dandy.

For me what helped most is that I never had it easy... not even one day.
Had my parents had money and had it been any more comfortable than it was I might still be living there. It took a few false starts before I finally got out and stuck but I've done pretty well. I still struggle in social situations despite having two DTM awards in Toastmasters after 7 1/2 years but it's not as bad.

I know that stuck feeling... the "I'm not good enough" feeling, and it's easy to find very legitimate excuses but when something has to be done I can find a way. I think you can too.

Yes I just 'walked out' three times.. and two times I was back within a year; you're right it's not easy. The third time though I was determined never to go back and haven't in 20+ years.
The things I'd tell my self if I could back then are this
1. Stay long enough to finish college... I still haven't
2. Get jobs doing things you enjoy that can turn into a career instead of just taking whatever comes along.
3. Embrace what you're good at instead of resisting it because it's too easy and boring; it won't be forever.
4. Be realistic... you can't support yourself on minimum wage.
5. Credit cards are a trap - Get one but DON'T USE IT.

This is exactly why having "Asperger's is not a disease" at the bottom of this page is a bad idea.

The extremely high functioning twats with very normal lives like to rub their "aspie-power" superiority in everyones' faces.

Far from it. Life has always been a struggle for me - a metaphorical knife-fight in a dark alley during monsoon season every day. But I have found a very simple truth - the harder you work the more likely you are to succeed.

I can't say I have a 'normal' life. I struggle in the relationship with my wife and have on going issues that boil down to the fact that I don't think or react like 'normal people' do.
I struggle at work for the same reason. I struggled in school for the same reason and was bullied and abused, eventually became the bully, and then just dropped into deep depression when I realized that I could beat the hell out of every one of them and it didn't really help.
I have the life I created good or bad and I refuse to let what some people classify a disease or mental illness keep me from being as successful as I can be. Maybe I'm lucky that I didn't get a formal diagnosis until this year or I might have thought it was impossible to live a somewhat normal life. I'm not always satisfied with my life but I have no one else to blame except myself if I'm not happy.

Who exactly do you have in mind when you make such bitter comments?

Want to throw in my "two cents" worth here. I've heard time and time again that you have to work hard. Unfortunately, hard work isn't enough. The people who succeed are the ones who appear as "normal" as possible. In other words, they can either play or fake the social game well enough. There are very few exceptions to this rule in the workplace. Even Engineers are expected to work on a team. What do you do if you can't read social cues or adapt to social expectations?

For me being really open about my communication issues and always assuming that I'm reading people wrong before I get upset helps a lot. It's when I get angry or stuck in a conversation rut that I have issues. If I can I always wait to respond and do so in writing since I can edit/revise it before they get it. It isn't hard to appear normal; get your hair cut, wear normal looking clothes, pay attention to hygiene (make it a routine). Casual conversation can be a challenge but within the context of the job it's not as hard since it makes it more predictable. I've improved since I joined Toastmasters but still have a long way to go.. I liken it to the an asymptote of a curve (I'll never get there but I can get closer until it's hard to tell the difference).

Never trying is a guaranteed way to never succeed. I am well aware that getting a job is not feasible for everyone on the spectrum, nor is living on one's own, but there are other alternatives (in the US, SSI, etc). Maybe I'm one of those "high functioning twats" someone referred to, but it is a FACT that if one doesn't try one WILL NOT succeed in getting out of a situation, barring some freakishly good luck. It's not a good idea to just wait for freakishly good luck. One could end up waiting a hell of a long time. I'm not being unsympathetic--I just don't think it's a good idea to continue to expose oneself to an unhealthy environment over the long haul.

~Kate

Well I have come to the conclusion that at the moment the best jobs include being a drug dealer, movie pirater, a computer hacker or something like that. Because the economy is pretty much non-existant if you happen not to be middle class or higher. Though maybe I can get a job at the smoke shop called Puff and Stuff around where I live, the people who own/work there like me so that is good.

Seriously though even the normal people are having a hard time finding work, even normal people with college degrees......so that means its even harder for anyone who has any mental or physical problems. So clearly the crime rate will rise because lets face it there just aren't enough jobs.

I am kinda getting off topic I guess but this is how I feel about my situation.