A friendship of 10+ years dissolves before my eyes.

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I have tendency to way over explain things, so with the background info at least, i shall endeavor to keep it short.

I have had a good friend for the past decade. Often he had referred to me as his best friend. In the last few years, he developed an online crush/fixation for a girl. One day, he had her visit. He was apparently preparing to propose. Instead, she ended up sleeping with another of his friends. She got pregnant from this other friend, had his child, and is now living nearby with this individual.

I was rather appalled by the whole situation, and have tried to be supportive of my friend since. The problem has been that he is still head over heels for this girl. He would spend(and I would wager he still will continue to) nearly all his waking hours over there, even shuttling both back and forth as they don't have a car. Worse yet, she treats him like crap.

Eventually, he asked me to spend some time with all of them doing tabletop roleplaying and the like. Despite my better judgement, I agreed. And for a time, it went okay. Then one day, the gal goes off the deep end, starts screaming at everyone and attacks my longtime friend. Like, actual assault.

Instead of ending things right then and there, my,longtime friend instead decides the whole thing was his fault because he "must have been subconsciously egging her on." and afterwards, she continues to treat him like garbage in my presence.

Recently, I tried to stick up for him verbally to her. For my efforts, my friend began screaming at me and then went incommunicado for days. At this point, I realized that I could not fix this: he has Stockholm syndrome on someone else's spouse-to-be, and would reject any attempt on my part to stick up for him.

So I did the only thing I could: I tried to remove myself from the equation. I told this girl that I would no longer be going over there to game because I kept being put in uncomfortable situations there. Once again, she flipped out. I was then shortly contacted by my friend to inform me that we were through because I "made her cry."

Damn, that was longer than I had hoped. Anyways, I am indeed grieving over this, but not in the fashion I expected to. I am less upset about losing him as a friend than I am about other things, namely:

1. The idea of 10 years of friendship being lost over such stupidity.
2. Never getting a chance to defend myself.
3. Worst(and most guilty from me) of all: not being able to play the online rpg(not the tabletop) that my friend and I were engaged in at the time together.

It is the last which makes me feel most guilty, honestly: that I'm grieving more over the loss of an Aspie focus in the online game than I am about losing him as a friend. It makes me feel like a monster. And the guilt over not grieving in the manner i feel i should be is actually worse than the grief itself. I normally grieve intensely and for prolonged periods, but this is altogether new to me.

Thoughts?

He'll get over it, he's a nutcase.

It took me a couple of bad experiences to realize that being between a man and a woman is one of the most dangerous, and thankless, places we can be in. Period.

I think all you can do is back off completely. If this fellow calls you, just explain the situation to him, and how you have been put in an uncomfortable, untenable situation. I think that's about all you can do. It's a matter of doing no harm where you can do no good.

What you are seeing proof that humans aren't essentially rational animals who suffer occasional bouts of irrationality. Quite the contrary; most people are irrational animals capable of occasional bouts of rationality. What separates normal people from aspies is that they can not only deal with this irrationality, but do so unconsciously.

As far as games, or whatever it is you like to do, I'm sure you can find somebody else to do that with, even if the friendship element is missing.

Sagroth, I just want to compliment you on what you wrote. It was not at all too long. It was to the point and precise and very well written, without any repetitions. It could not have been any shorter without losing information.

And from the way you describe what you have done, it seems to me that you have done all you can and that you handled it very well. You have said what you think about it all, and he does not wake up from his dream. Stay completely away from her, and stay away from your friend if he insists on talking about her.

Yes, you can have friends for 10 years and then no longer be friends. It's fine. A friend is a person you feel good being around. If you don't feel good being around him, then don't be there.

There is no reason to burn bridges. He can come back when he has learned his lesson with that girl. Right now he needs to be in that crush. Let him.

And there is absolutely nothing to "feel guilty" about (as if guilt was a feeling; it is not; it is rather a mental judgement, leading to a bad feeling). Your feelings are right for you. Period. They always are. You are not a monster for taking care of yourself and doing what you love to do or grieving over the (perhaps temporary) loss of a game playing buddy. Remember that children just do what they like - and do we call them monsters for that?

Well, these were my thoughts. Of course they are not "right", but they are my thoughts. Take what you can use from them and skip the rest .

And, all in all, I see nothing wrong about what you feel or how you behave in any way. And I understand your grief - it is completely natural. Let everything be and trust your feelings. That is what they are there for.

Jesper7, the fact that you made your first post on these forums to compliment and reassure me means a lot to me. Thank you.

And they were wise words, all. I think I am beginning to understand your point about what friendship really means and when to move on. I've always had a feeling that I've somehow owed people for being my friend, as if tolerance of me was some form of currency that I was required to pay back in some form. But I suppose that if what you say is true(and it rings such), that my friends are my friends because they enjoy my(admittedly odd) company.

I agree with everything Jesper7 has said. Every single thing.

i've never had a friend for 10 years
it's a long time, maybe he will realise that if you leave him alone for a while and you will get an apology.
if not then you're probably best away from the situation anyway. people in love are stupid and you don't want to end up the one in the middle who everything gets taken out on

One other thing I forgot to mention earlier regarding context, and I think it's important:

When information is presented without such, most people automatically provide context based on their own bias. And that, I have found, is nearly impossible to overcome after the fact.

Anyhow, thanks everyone. I don't think any further contact on my part to either of them will be appreciated at this point, and I can't say that I really desire any from him.

I didn't mention that this sort of thing has happened before, did I?

Not over a girl last time, though. Last time, his brother was ticked at me over nothing(said brother even admitted to such, actually) and he decided he had to overdo it in taking his brother's side. So I waited outside his place as he screamed at me and everything I had loaned to him was thrown on the front porch.

He later admitted his fault in this and promised never to turn on me like that again.

Obviously, he lied.

I think you guys are right. I have a tendency to automatically take the blame on myself for things(since I inadvertently hurt the feelings of others with my Aspieness, it just makes sense to be alert for my own faults), but in this case...

I may be better off.


I guess the issue at this point is:

What should I be feeling now, if not grief? Relief that I'm out of a drama-filled situation? Should I want him back as a friend? If he learns his lesson and still doesn't want to be friends, what about then? Should I attempt to engage in Schaudenfreud? Even as hurt as I am, I don't think that's right.

Well it does seem you felt bad for him initially for being used by this girl and treated poorly. It's that fact that he keeps stupidly returning to the situation that seems to make it hard to have sympathy.

Basically it all seems to be up to him.

Oh well good luck finding a new game.

There really are no shoulds except for doing what you feel like. If you can't decide, sit under a tree and wait for inspiration.