Starting a new documentary; if I fail, I kil myself

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In March I'm finally going to start shooting a documentary I started researching three years ago. It's a damned good story, about a child prodigy Olympic athlete who fell on hard times and disappeared for a number of years, abandoning his family and everything to live in Hawaii.

It's a really damned good story, but I'm afraid I'll blow it. I wish I had more money. Wish I had more gear. Wish I could afford a crew. Wish I had a wife or a partner who could assure me, "I'm going to be alright."

I've got to start shooting something, or I never will, so I've had to beg and borrow gear to get this done, and scraped money together for a flight to hawaii to interview him for four days, and hopefully have the backbone of something I can start to raise money with.

This story could be a great one, that finally gets me on the path to doing the work I love full time, and being a real, independent filmmaker, and not another anonymous wannabee.

But if I fail, I'm going to kill myself. Pills, or hanging, or just crash my car. Because if I don't make this happen, then it never will happen, and I don't want to go on living life alone as a failure. I once said I'd give myself until 30 to succeed. So many have already succeeded and they are well younger than I am. But they have talent. If i work hard enough to overcome my terrible failings as a flawed person, I could do something really great. But if not, if this shoot goes badly, that's it. I'm gonna end it all for good.

Mark my words, either I'll come back from Hawaii with some great footage to start my documentary, or I'll be dead by my birthday in May.

Why the fk are you pressuring yourself like this?

It wont help performance.

Someone who may interest you

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Ung-yong

Well my performance up to now hasn't gotten me any closer to my aspirations, and I've not made a really great film. And I never will unless I force myself.

And if I can't do it on this one, I clearly never will, and I'll have nothing and be nothing. I don't want to live like that, being a mediocrity who doesn't even have a girlfriend, making crappy films no one sees. I want people all over to see my work. I want to touch people's lives with what I do, but I think I've been fooled, gifted with desire, but not talent or anything else.

So if I fail now, I'm going to throw myself back to God. If I fail I deserve to be punished. I deserve to die for wasting my life and not succeeding.

Dude you are 28.

many people dont find success until later in life.

I see no good reason to make this life and death issue.

Sure go for it and give your all - but dont fk yourself by making it "life or death". doing so makes each decision far more anxious and you will have many decisions in the creative process.

Not to mention Olympic superboy may not want to be interviewed at all!

Good luck to you.

I relate to your need to do something bigger than yourself to define you not as a wannabe, but as someone of some relevancy. The thing is that not even people who aren't on the spectrum can shake being ordinary. You might choose not to believe this and I am a walking proof of why you shouldn't believe it since I am not famous or successful the way you seem to define it, but one thing is for certain, if you can be good at something, regardless of how bigger than yourself it is or not, you don't need more money, or more gear, or a wife to reassure you. You, however, do need continuity, dedication, persistence, passion, creativity, time, ability to adapt to changes, being resourceful and doing something that feels true and very important to you. Even if you had the money, the gear, and the wife, success would be elusive if you lacked these intrinsic motivations. This might sound easier said and done, but it isn't. That's why not everyone is successful, even those with the money, gear and spouses...

I had spent a lifetime longing to do something bigger than myself, then all the pieces felt apart and I was diagnosed with Asperger. I realized that doing something that isn't true/important to one-self in order to be that what ones defines as success is a guarantee that one will never be motivated enough to do what it takes.

So, if this project is true/important to you and you can muster the energy and will to do continuity, dedication, persistence, passion, creativity, time, ability to adapt to changes, being resourceful, you will not have to kill yourself.

You shouldn't kill yourself if you don't succeed. My brother once shared a good quote with me, that "if your needs aren't being met, drop some of your needs". Drop your need to succeed. It's good to have aspirations, but it isn't the end of the world if you can't do exactly what you want to do. I've always wanted to become the author and illustrator of my own manga (Japanese-style comics), but my level of skill at art is pretty mediocre compared to a lot of other artists who are my age or younger. I always thought I would be a pro by the time I was my age - I didn't picture myself still living at home and working at a thrift store. But here I am. Yes, it hurts not to be able to fulfill your dreams, but you know what? Life goes on. There's still so much to do, so many friends to make and so many wonderful experiences to be had. Don't throw it all away just because one door closed, because then you'll miss another one opening (figuratively speaking).

The problem is, I'm a miserable failure as a human being. A failure at friendships, at love. I live in a crummy little apartment in a rundown part of town, and I've fallen short in every aspect of life.

Except it seems I have a knack for film. I enjoy it, and I seem good at it. But I fear too that my deficiencies as a person means even what I enjoy and I'm good at, is still lightyears behind everyone else.

If I fail at the one thing I love, that I'm good at, then I'm nothing. And if I'm nothing, I'd rather die than go on as such.

as suggested by a member, moved from Work and finding a Job to The Haven

You are not flawed.
Don't kill yourself over what could have been,then you eliminate forever what might have been.

Your movie is doomed to failure.........

You're putting the same unreasonable pressure on it that you put on the girls you try to date. Stop being so damn melodramatic and maybe you'll start seeing some success.........

But how? How do I succeed? I've been trying for so long...I've about lost track of all the films I've made, these labors of love into which I poured my money and my time and my heart. Just as I've tried for years now to meet women. But nothing. No progress. I don't ask to make an academy award winner over night. Just to make something good. Just to meet a girl who'll call me once in a while, instead of it always being me.

At what point does one stop trying and simply blow one's brains out? Because I feel near that point. I keep trying but without forward progress. I fear I'm not meant to succeed in anything, and if that's the case, I don't want to life anymore, not at least as a lonely failure.