I hate being an extrovert.

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I get so much crap from people for being extroverted and, even though I keep hearing things like "our society is designed for extroverts", I really don't feel like that is the case. First, I keep hearing things like "introverts are smarter than extroverts" and it hurts because I have a gifted-range IQ and have difficulty with study groups because they are not intellectually stimulating enough. I've told one counsellor on campus about how depressed I get without people and she suggested study groups, but I've found that I just had to study for them in advance and then explain things to people there, instead of it being a good study method. I've tried hosting one and people were so behind on their work that it was pointless. In addition, they treated me in a very demeaning way because of my inability to pick up on social cues.

I push myself so hard to be introvert-like just because, in university, you are expected to spend hours sitting and reading on your own. I can do that, but then I feel drained. A lot of communication nowadays happens through email, but I can't stand that sort of distance; I need to talk on the phone, or even better, face-to-face. I sometimes get drawn to things that are "shallow" because I find them emotionally stimulating, like watching music videos about socializing and partying, but then I hate myself for it and hide it from other people because I'm surrounded by intellectual introverts and feel ashamed of doing these things. I do it, though, because I miss people so much and it at least gives me some taste of the social.

On one hand, I love what I am studying, but on the other hand, I hate to push myself so much into someone I'm not. I FORCE myself not to talk to people. I FORCE myself to not attend any social events, because I am serious about my future and have some learning challenges, to overcome which I have to spend more time on studying than the average person to get the grades I need for grad school. But then I end up being depressed like this and just can't focus on anything at all. When I try to socialize a little and then stop myself because I could be doing "better things", I just start craving more. I just wish people would stop saying that extroverts are idiots who have it easy. It's not easy, and today's increasingly remote society makes it even harder for us. If you've an introvert - be happy: I envy you.

Last edited by MathGirl on 12 Jul 2013, 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wow, I didn´t know aspies could be extroverts.

I actually know a couple, but they are somewhat intent on acting NT-like and I'm not really into that.

This is exactly why it's difficult, though... I can't relate to a lot of people and people I've asked for advice didn't really know what to tell me because they've never met anybody quite like me.

Last edited by MathGirl on 12 Jul 2013, 4:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I know some Aspies who are extroverts. But like other Aspies, they still can't or have issues reading non verbal cues and also they both talk non stop to anybody and sometimes have no filter.

I'm not extroverted but I'm outgoing. It sucks, actually. A few days ago I saw a guy walking his dog near a mulberry tree and I just was like "HEY CHECK OUT THIS MULBERRY TREE MAN" to a random person. It sucks because.... I got Aspergers and still have crap social skills, but I like talking to people and sharing all kinds of information and sperging out about my interests.

Heh, I do that, too, and enjoy it when people start talking to me out of the blue about random stuffs.

Does anyone have any advice, though, on how to be a more responsible student and not crave people as much?

Several times in my life I have been befriended by extroverted Aspie-types, (all long before I could put a name to my own condition) and it was always very frustrating, because I wasn't looking for a friend, they would just sort of appear out of nowhere and because I was not rudely dismissive to them like others often were, they would attach themselves and follow me around like puppies. Most were very nice people at heart and sometimes we even had shared obsessional interests. Problem was, they had no filters, no understanding of boundaries and no concept of when it was time to LEAVE. Being around them even for short periods wore me out and I found myself having to go to great lengths to avoid them, to maintain my own sanity, which made me feel terribly guilty, because I know all too well what it feels like to be rejected for being different.

Only many years later did I realize that we both were suffering from different forms of the same neurological dysfunction - because I am, myself frequently guilty of the same thing - get me started talking about one of my personal obsessive interests and I will happily prattle on until the other person's ears start to bleed. Difference is, I am not prone to approaching strangers and striking up conversations, much less friendships. Most of the time, my mind goes entirely blank when a person I don't know enters the room and I am effectively mute until they ask me a direct question.

I'm very much an introvert - Myers Briggs type INFP (borderline J), and seeing this opposite perspective is very interesting. Unfortunately, I cannot help much here, but I would suggest a study group involving serious minded (low ego too) people whose goal is to understand the subject at hand that they are studying about. And MathGirl - gifted IQ? Then you're smarter than I am, who had a measly IQ of 126 at the age of 18; who knows what it is now? Try to balance your time between studying be yourself and being with people; perhaps an outing with other aspies or friends or both could be a reward for your studying. I hope you find success in this dilemma.

Your IQ is pretty close to gifted, really, and it's way above average, so I don't think you need to be upset about it. My IQ is borderline gifted, it's 135, but that's according to informal measures. I have yet to get it officially tested, but I was considered gifted as a kid. I'm not sure how they determined it, though. I say I'm gifted because I feel like I grasp many things very quickly compared to others; it's just a challenge for me to stay focused on a narrow, prescribed thing and not get derailed by things that are more interesting. As I've mentioned, too, my craving for people often interferes with this ability to focus. I've become better at this over the years, but it has been really damaging for my mental health.

I often think that the world was practically made for extroverts to thrive and for introverts to fail, but I can see why being an extroverted Aspie would be more difficult than being an introverted Aspie. MathGirl, I found your post to be really insightful. To be honest, it also made me feel better about my own situation.

isn't this the quandary we all experience in one form or another? I crave friendship and companionship, yet I either talk too much or withdraw completely. both alienate others. what's worse is when you finally get into a relationship but the significant other ends up not having much in common with you and always offended by your "quirks". what is even worse is when the significant other finds your genuine affection to be offensive .

I can relate. I am an introvert. I have been friends with other Aspies or people who probably are or have traits but it was before I was aware of my own Aspergers or Aspergers traits as I have yet to seek a formal dx and two of them I would say were extroverts or very outgoing. Actually of the 2 maybe one was an outgoing introvert because sometimes he needed to just do one of his main special interests alone while listening to headphones. But both people just popped up and randomly started talking to me. I really liked both of these people. I am female and they are both highly attractive and very intelligent as well as funny Aspies. They both did exhaust me and ignore my cues even when I just out right very directly and bluntly would say I needed to go, or hang up or some space because I was tired or overwhelmed etc. I eventually fell out with them and they ended their friendships with me! Usually because they had ignored my saying that I needed some space until I was in super overwhelmed meltdown freak out mode and then they got upset with me!! !! !! ! It's a little funny now and I'm sure I misread their cues as well which was the source of the misunderstanding in both cases.

Actually in one instance I was close friends with the guy for 3 years and also in love with him (I know now from how intense the heartbreak has been and still is) and he was in shutdown/meltdown about a really bad situation in his life and when that happened his coping mechanism was to call or text friends and go on and on and on about that problem but then also flirt aggressively if the friend is female. At the same time I was in shutdown/meltdown mode over my own life stuff and was trying to be a supportive friend but then started getting really overwhelmed by his behavior and tried to tell him but he just ignored it and I did it verbally and then he abruptly changed plans on me and because I was (frankly over last 2 years always am) on the edge of meltdown but fight to stay in shutdown or semi engaged mode, I did freak out and get super emotional and started trying to "fix" the huge resulting misunderstanding to the point of perseverating on it and then I became the pest. That's when he ended the friendship and hasn't spoken to me since.

I guess I am not really contributing to this topic and have gone off on a tangent. I don't know how to help the OP better read people. I feel bad that I couldn't remain friends with my extroverts Aspie friends. They re really cool people but super tiring and overwhelming. I suppose with clear, open communication about boundaries it could be possible, like saying if I say I need space then it's not about you, I just need lots of time to myself and also the extroverted Aspie saying to tell them to stop talking or texting or phoning or whatever when they get on a verbal mega monologue.

Hey. Another extrovert here, more further along the spectrum than Aspie. I have a lotttt of bipolar and schizophrenic friends and they are a very similar to me but the root of the problem is different. And ADHD friends. I agree that the world is soooo not set up for those of us who like to talk a lot I can't sit still or be quiet at all.

I don't really have trouble socially now, because I'm not being stupid anymore and not disclosing when I should. I have a ton of friends and have difficulty communicating with them while in school because I also am very monotrack and find it difficult to switch tasks, i.e. from studying to emailing, etc. I just want to stop procrastinating because of wanting to be with people, to become more efficient with my studies, and to figure out a way to need to socialize less. Being socially inclined feels like a disability now. Even if I were more socially adept, I doubt that would solve the problem, because I would have to dumb myself down, as well. The reason it takes me a long time to study is because I am a visual thinker and my reading comprehension/verbal memory are both very poor. I am very good, however, at manipulating conceptual information, hands-on tasks, and integrating information meaningfully, so once I get something, I get it better than anyone else. It gets very frustrating with people; I love talking to my profs, but don't want to take up too much of their time (and somehow other students manage NOT to go to the prof as much and still get excellent grades!). Well, maybe they're all introverts, though.

Yup.

Sorry if my responses are a bit abrupt or I don't respond to everyone's posts; I've read everything, but I'm trying really hard to spend as little time as possible talking to people (and this counts as talking to people/procrastinating, unfortunately).

I think I'm an introvert, but I can nevertheless relate very well to your experiences.

Though being among people is very tiring for me, I don't like being alone all the time, either. I used to be kind of an extrovert in my childhood, until I realized that my behavior was often inappropriate, and I consequently got very self-conscious about my actions.

I think it's a common Aspie problem that the ratio "desire to socialize vs. actual pleasure drawn from socializing" is very bad. Only the absolute level is what differs from person to person.

Study groups are, from the social perspective, better than nothing to me, but keep in mind that most people don't like studying, and they don't consider it a social activity, so you can't expect too much.

On procrastination: Well, I noticed that the number of hours per day during which I can do actually productive work is limited. You can accuse me of being a hypocrite if I decline a social activity because I'm too busy and instead spend the evening watching TV, but in fact, I'm not, because the former "drains my batteries" and the latter refills them. If it's the other way around for you and being among people gives you energy, then you should do that, while maintaining a good ratio.

^ this.

I am, as someone excellently put it in another thread, "an introverted people person". I used to be horrible at talking to people my age, so now every time I successfully talk to someone my age at a social occasion, I get a buzz off the accomplishment ... that vanishes as soon as they move on to the next person and I'm left with no-one to talk with, or at the point where everyone around me is more than slightly tipsy (inebriated people make me horribly uncomfortable). I also hate being 'that person' in that I can rarely be arsed to actually do something highly social (i.e. involving eiher a group larger than three people I know very well or involving more than one person I don't know) even when well-meaning friends try to 'drag me out of my hidey-hole' if I'm already out of face-to-face socialising capacities for that day.

Excellent advice. I think I just understood why so many people I know like to go out to parties etc after a long day of work -- I'd never have the energy for that, but if their batteries work differently, that absolutely makes sense!

Honesty, when I read your OP, MathGirl, I thought "well that can't be healthy" -- if you need to talk and discuss stuff you're studying in order to better learn it, I think it'd be better to try and find people for whom that approach also works, rather than forcing yourself to behave 'more introvert-like'. Or, as Vectorspace said -- try to get the studying done and then give yourself a 'free pass' to be as social and do as much procrastination as you need, because your batteries are low from hours of sitting and studying quitely on your own and you need to socialise to recharge them.