Living on own and having difficulty navigating grad school

Post Reply New Topic

I have completed my first somewhat tumultuous year of graduate school in history. At the same time I have also been experiencing living on my own for the first time. (I lived with my parents as an undergrad.) The stress of being in a new environment and of having many more responsibilities has caused some difficulty with concentrating on my school work. I have also found that I have difficulty communicating with my advisor and I fear my unsatisfactory performance may have caused him to become disappointed in me. I do not know this for certain, though I do know that he was greatly impressed with my application and so I feel I may not have lived up to his expectations.

I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder though I have found that the suggested coping techniques of cognitive behavior therapy are not entirely helpful with my current quandary. In addition I find it difficult to talk about these feelings with others for fear of being a burden. As a result I find myself vacillating between emotional suppression and inward negative thought spiraling. I have noticed that I have been sleeping a great deal lately (half the day or more), possibly as a way of escaping.

I am not certain what sort of advice to ask for, but any suggestions would be welcome.

it's the job of folks like your advisor and your therapist to deal with these sorts of things. so don't think of your self as a burden. ask for help.

First off: congrats for finishing your first year of grad school! I can only imagine what it's like to go through the adjustment of moving to your own place on top of grad school.

One thing to remember is that your advisor shouldn't be disappointed. That's not his job. If he's got any problems with your performance, he should be asking you what he can do to help you ... or you could go and tell him exactly what you've written here: You feel you've performed dissatisfactorily and hope he isn't disappointed. Is there any way he could help you with ____ ?

For me, the lack of formal deadlines and properly defined tasks continues to be the biggest problem with finishing uni (I'm in the final stages of a combined B.A./M.A. programme). We don't have official advisors at my school until we register for the final exam / thesis, and even then, they're usually swamped and can't devote much time to individual students. However, I managed to find an inofficial advisor who'll help me narrow down topics for term papers and give me deadlines for partial work (i.e. "get that chapter to me by Friday night, 7 p.m.") which has helped a lot, maybe you could try something similar? Either ask your advisor or find someone else who'll advise you inofficially?

I hope some of this helps.

Can you tell your advisor about your neurological condition?

When I work somewhere, I always worry about what my boss thinks about me, and such uncertainty can cause actual stress. You'll deal with him for a number of years, so I think you should clarify this. Tell him about this problem and that frequent and direct feedback would be helpful for you.

Well if it was easy everyone would do it. Get through it and you'll be a better person and have something to be proud of.

Thank you for the responses. It really means a lot.

I was diagnosed just this past year and will soon be meeting with the my school's Accessible Education Center with regards to a letter explaining my situation. I had mixed feelings about disclosure (from the fear of appearing dysfunctional) but now I think it is my best option. I am hoping that AEC's intervention will clear things up with my advisor.

First you need to have a talk with those squirrels. They are obviously slacking and letting you down some. Tell them to remember that without you they are goners. If they give you trouble, I will send over a battalion of my fictitious ant army to set them to rights. The ants do like tea btw.

Second, I understand the concern about how your advisor feels. Worrying about what others think of us is very common. One thing to think about is that the advisor does not have the whole picture. But it is more important I think that you maintain the level of privacy you need on what to reveal or not. Also remember that you are in a sense just another student and it is not a critical thing what they think of you. Be as open and honest as you are able and accept that under your current level of stress you are doing the best you can. We can't always perform at our peaks, and its an important distinqtion to understand and allow that for yourself.

I have diagnosed General Anx Dis too, but Aspergers undiagnosed. Personnally, anti-axiety meds helped settle out things very well for me. A real life improvement. But I know no two people are alike with meds, or even the consideration of them. A option to consider maybe.

The squirrels cheer me up when I'm feeling sad.

I am currently on medication for my anxiety but I am beginning to think I may need to try a different kind (I have tried citalopram and fluoxetine so far).

Have you ever seen one of these? We have grey, small red and also black squirrels, but in 12 years I have only seen the black ones 4-5 times and always at a distance. Would love to see one close up.

Fluoxetine is the one that works for me. I did try a few others first but had noticable unpleasent side effects and did not want to continue them.

Just wanted to add another voice of support for you. I struggled horribly and messily through my PhD and it took me 5 years, but I made it in the end. And I am glad that I did.

Sometime in my second year, I went home to my parents and told them I was thinking of quitting. At my university, you could write up the first couple of years as a Masters thesis, and just take a Masters, so I wanted to do that. My parents were so SO angry with me for wanting to quit that I never mentioned it again!! They really didn't have any idea of the problems that I faced and were utterly unsympathetic. But I'm kind of glad because if they'd given me any support at all, I wouldn't have finished and then I'd always have been wondering "what if...?"

My supervisor wasn't much help either. Do you have friendly and/or competent postdocs that you can ask for help? Not sure if you're in a lab environment or not, but if you are, postdocs and technicians are much more useful in terms of day to day help than supervisors.

Remember, you've already done something amazing, leaving home, living on your own for the first time and starting a doctoral program. That is AMAZING and you can be proud of yourself. Focus on getting through each day at a time and you will make it in the end.

You posted a squirrel for me! Yay! Squirrels!

Haven't seen one of those in person. I mostly see eastern fox squirrels (brownish grey with yellow bellies) and eastern grey squirrels. I have seen a few red squirrels though they seem much less prevalent. In the mountains I've seen chipmunks and some very small not-very-bushy-tailed black squirrels. They tend to be especially shy.

Thank you for the support everyone. I will try to work through this. I really love my subject (premodern Japanese history) and studying it professionally is something I have wanted to do since I was eleven years old.