I am getting more and more afraid of other people

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Hi everyone. My neighbor just came by with my keys, because I left them in my bike. AGAIN. But okay, He explained, I thanked him probably about ten times and then he left. I freaked out and I started shaking and I couldn't stop it for over ten minutes. And that over a conversation that didn't last longer then two minutes. How stupid is that? But that's kind of becoming my reality.

I avoid people everywhere I can. I don't take the elevator in my apartment building, I'll walk the other way if I see someone I know, I go to another supermarket where I don't know any cassiers, at school I just sit quit in a corner hoping that everyone just leaves me alone.

I don't have many friends, but when I see them first off I get so afraid that I want to cancel. But I never do. On my way there (I never invite people in my home, that freaks me out even more. That's my safe haven) I'll get more and more scared. Of someone that I met 4 years ago!! When I get there, I am often very nervous, but after a while it usually becomes better.

My friend who moved to Australia comes back for a short while to the Netherlands and we're gonna meet up this week. I looked forward to this for a long time, but now I am getting SO scared that I even lay awake at night.

I do kind of know where this is coming from. Yeah okay, I've always been awkward and stuff, but a few years ago this all started. Only a few months apart from each other I had an abuse boyfriend AND my big group of friends (about 20 people, but only about four of them where really close friends + best friend I saw probably six times a week) started acting weird and then dumped me. They thought I was just too weird, after >4 years of hanging out with them every weekend. I know they talked a lot of awful stuff about me, I don't know what and I do not want to know. My self esteem was crushed by my abusive boyfriend (which I dumped not long after that) AND I lost my entire social life because they just didn't like me.

And honestly, I've never really recovered from that. It only became worse. And this is kind of a problem now, because I'll start my internship in september. Where of course, I'll have to interact with lots of people I do not know.

Try not to let it become a habit. If you lost trust in other people because of what happened, the best way to deal with this would be to find new people in order to see that not everyone will treat you like that.
It's also important to take charge of your own life and not let what happened with your ex determine how much you value yourself; if you can't do that on your own, maybe therapy would help.



That's good and you should build on that. When you're thinking about avoiding a situation, remind yourself that things get better once you've overcome your initial anxiety. If the initial anxiety is overwhelming, maybe something like breathing / focusing exercises that you can use instantaneously might help.

Also ...



I'd suggest trying to be kind to yourself; berating yourself for feeling weak can reinforce the problem.

I'm the same way. I will talk to somebody over whom I have no authority and it takes me a long time to calm down--at least sometimes, even when nothing that I can see went wrong.

Fortunately, most of the people I deal with now are my employees. I don't seem to have any problems with them.

I live way out in the sticks to avoid having to deal with people.

It sounds like you have to try and recover from a very bad experience. First off it was not your fault, and second aspies are not weird, just different in a few ways from NTs. So I'd say you fell in with a bad bunch. It doesn't always happen that way, and if you are selective it doesn't usually happen that way. having a long term friendship with NTs can be very rewarding if they are good people and accept your differences (as you do yours).

It really is a horse, fall, up again situation. But trust me I know its not easy or a quick process as I have had serious problems with people too. Being extra-sensitive doesn't really help in this matter, but can give you better insight and help down the road.

Btw are you getting professional help like in therapy or medication? I know not all favor that approach, but my own feeling is whatever helps is good.

I hate it when someone comes to my door without calling first. I won't even go look out to see who it is anymore, if I'm not already expecting them. Last time I (accidentally) opened my door to a stranger, it turned out to be a vicious bully who verbally abused me in my own doorway for more than ten minutes.

I don't mind so much shopping at stores where I know the clerks. That's about as much social interaction as I ever get most weeks. They don't really know anything about me, but at least they're friendly.

Thank you all so much for your kind responses!

LookTwice, I really try not making a habit out of it, yes. Or at least, I have a unwritten rule for myself: I am not allowed to cancel anything because I am scared. That's just not an option. But I do have trouble making appointments or other things because I am afraid.

Meditation does help me a lot yes. It solved a lot of my sleeping problems. Not so long ago I often lay awake until 5:00, but now I fall asleep much faster. It takes an effort to focus on my meditation, but it has been a big help for me. But I only have experience with meditation in my bed. Not in the open or at a random part of the day. I'll try that out, thank you. I do often speak to myself like "okay loveturn you can do this! loveturn you know that when you finally arrive the fears will go away and everything will be fine, even if they don't go away".

Toy_Soldier, Thank you! And even if we are weird, weird is not necessarily a bad thing. Back then I didn't knew I had AS. Funny thing is that the old boyfriend (which had ADHD) was yelling at me one time (he was mad about hmm... probably nothing) and he ended with calling me autistic. I thought that was pretty funny back then. I had no idea what autism really was and I found the thought of me being autistic pretty hilarious (I only knew a bit about low functioning classic autism, like without the ability to speak or so).

I do have one very good NT friend. She's amazing, but lives pretty far away (in Dutch terms, hehe) so I do not see her so often. Probably once every 1-2 months we go out for drinks. That's probably the only time I get in the "real world" nowadays.

I am not getting any professional help though. I got my official diagnoses in may 2012 and back then I didn't want any help and now I am finally ready for help I do not really have the time. My internship starts in September and that's a full time job (+almost 4 hours a day in public transport) and I want to focus on that completely. But after that, in February 2014 I absolutely want to go for some help. I do not take any drugs and I never will. All that artificial stuff that messes my brain up, I just don't trust it.

Willard, Hehe me too!! When someone is standing outside (I live on the 2nd floor so I can't see them if they are outside) I do not open the door, except if I have an appointment with someone. But if someone is standing in front of my door I can see them through I little hole in the door. So handy! But the moment my (very loud) door bell rings I always immediately freak out.

I've worked at the super market I live most close by and although that was a few years ago, a lot of my old colleagues still work there. So helloooo small talk I do not want to have when you just want to pack up your groceries, pay and leave. That's why I prefer to go to other super markets, there it is just "hello, thank you so much, no i do not want a receipt, have a good day too, bye!"

I suggest you take some self defense courses. Knowing that you can kick the ass of someone trying to hurt you is very empowering.

Loveturn, sorry to have wasted your time and mine by responding to your post. You can trust it won't happen again.

This happens to me also and especially with phone calls - making & receiving.

I suspect it's not so much other people that you fear but more likely a fear of your own "inability" to appropriately, fluidly, interact with them which would (could) then lead to 'unpleasant' actions/reactions on their part.
And/or a fear of an 'inability' to cope appropriately with those 'consequences'.

It IS possible to 'reprogram' your brain to handle these situations more comfortably.

I'm not going to write it all down here -it's a bit much to rewrite it all here- and because I don't want to bore everyone that's uninterested.
You can PM me or check StabilizingAutism/unsolicited-advice.
Don't go there...
If you just wanted to be heard; I heard you, so did others. =)
Or if you're feeling a little too special; you're not alone.
Or if you just wanted to rant; we feel your pain.
Or if you're currently too depressed to believe there are solutions.

Unfortunately, there are evil people in the world. However, not everyone is evil. I can understand that you have your guard up so high, but keep your heart open. Stay on the lookout, but be more relaxed about it. Pay attention to not only how the person treats, you but how also how he/ she treats others. That person may be wanting things from you or they may be interested in getting to know the real you. Get opinions about that person from other people. You are still young and don't always know what to look for. Try looking for a genuine smile on their face or find out what their priorities are. If you are too scared of being hurt, you will becoming unhappy and lonely.
I was scared to become close to people after a friendship betrayal, but ended up making friends anyway. I still am on the look out. I know for a fact that if I would have closed my heart, I would have missed out on some great friendships.

I was bullied all day every day in school and out of school, so I was terribly afraid of people from childhood into my late teens/early 20s (and still am to some degree) but I was forced to work in jobs that required much public contact.* The first one, as a supermarket cashier, made it worse because people like to vent on us since they know we're helpless and there's the counter between us but it did sort of toughen me up. In other retail jobs I managed to learn how to copy my NT co-workers, and to laugh when someone said something that sounded mean. Chances are, they were joking. If they weren't, it may derail their meanness.

When I worked in a bookstore with an older gentleman who liked to talk, I learned all sorts of small-talk scripts that helped me start a conversation with someone in a retail setting and keep it friendly. When things got to be too much or I met someone especially nasty, I'd take a smoke break.

*this was in the mid-1980s and am undiagnosed and didn't understand why I was always being picked on, just thought I could ingratiate myself out of it.

Thelibrarian, Excuse me! I read your post, I just overlooked it when I was writing back to you all. s**t happens. It's good that you have no problems with your employees! Only a few times I had authority over other people (when I worked in the supermarket), but that didn't work for me at all (I really didn't enjoy telling them what they had to do and where they needed to be). But they couldn't understand that I didn't want to do that, so after a year I quiet my job there.

Thewhitrbbit, Thank you for your response! A self defence course sounds amazing, that's a very good idea. When I was a bit younger (17 if I remember correctly) I did thai boxing for a few months, I looooved it, but I didn't love the fact that I was in a class with lots of very big, fat and tall men as a slim girl.

1401b, Thank you! I put the website in my bookmarks, when I have a bit more time on my hands I'll read the whole thing. But from what I saw, it looks good! And you are absolutely right about that I am more afraid of my own ability to interact with others. I have never looked at it that way, thank you.

Musicgirl, I personally do not believe in evil people. There are just people and all people do good and bad things, some more good, some more bad. And although they may have been bad towards me, that does not necessarily make them bad people. For example, I have a really hard time being mad at my ex boyfriend. I simply just can not be mad at him. I have met his family (excuse me for my words, but they are pretty much white trash) and well he had a very bad example from his parents. He thought that what he did was normal, he never learned how to treat a woman correctly. But that doesn't mean I have to put up with it, so that's why I eventually broke up with him. Thank god.

Unfortunately I've become pretty lonely and unhappy yes, but I haven't lost hope yet. I just have a problem with letting people come close to me.

Mindsigh, I am so sorry to hear you were bullied! I myself have been bullied to, although not as much as you have been. I have only worked social jobs as far and I am doing a communication studies. But I actually would much more prefer to be a nurse. I currently work with the elderly at home care as a summer job (I am not sure what the correct translation is for this, but I work with elderly people who aren't very mobile or sick). Before that I have been a cassier and I worked in a shoe store (funny enough I started in the stockroom, but the manager wanted me so bad in the store because she thought that I was so good with the customers).

I did Mass Communications and theatre. It was a waste of time for the most part. If you really like working with the elderly, I'd go into nursing or some other medical field. They deserve respect and honor. They were young once and God willing, we will get old too and need someone to respectfully and kindly help us too. Unless something bad happens to my mind and I get cranky and rude, I will be grateful for people like you when I'm old and need help.