My best friend was raped last night and Idk how to act.

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I've read that on the immediate aftermath of rape, victims can have either a more agitated style or a more calm style, and both are considered normal.  I remember reading years and years ago like in the 1970s, this young woman moved to New York City and some guy raped her in the apartment building elevator.  Her response was that she wasn't going to let some ass hole ruin New York for her.  I think she could do this because she felt friends and family were in favor of her and believed in her.

So, your job is to be a steady eddie.  Your job is a solid B game, and not necessarily flashes of a A game, for that can be too dearly purchased.

If she asks you, I mean if it was me and only if she asked me, I might say, I wish you hadn't gone into his house, but then, you have to trust people.  In this life, you have to trust people.  That it, I might in my heart blame her a little bit, I wish I wouldn't but I might.  And if I expressed these thoughts, I would try and matter-of-factly recover without over doing it.  I'm still a good person.

And try not to get too involved in the wording of the law, for it also matters how the law is applied.  So, domestic advocates may not know how courts work.  I did not know that.  If you can line her up with a good advocate who does, I still think that's a potential strength and an open field.

I guess I believe in Buddhist-like compassion, when I'm at my best.  And her dog is a big deal, too.  Your dog is your friend.

I forgot to say that she went to the hospital about 14 hours afterwards. And her family is being very supportive she comes from a military family with lots of friends with lots of guns. I am beginning to fear for this boys life. I am a firm believer in forgiveness, and in this case he might should be taken out of the public but I also do not want any vigilante justice served out. I am also afraid of her being effected by this and do something suddenly and out of character.

zarok, rape has a lot of consequences, and some of them may not emerge for years. It's something that may leave her alone for a decade and then suddenly turn up. It just depends on who she is, how open she feels she can be with people, how she feels about herself, and what situations and stories she runs into along the way. Things get reframed over time.

I was raped in college -- it was my first time, too -- and at the time I was just too young, shocked, and surprised to understand really what had happened. I figured a lot of it was my own fault; I wasn't old enough and didn't have enough context to know that it's never a rape victim's fault. You don't make anyone rape you. It also sort of disappeared from my consciousness pretty fast, not because I felt so traumatized but because it just...didn't have anything to connect with in my mind, I guess. I wasn't afraid it'd happen again. That was nearly thirty years ago, and it's bobbed to the surface now and then, every several years.

For some women it's much more traumatic, an immediate loss of face and sense of personal power. Others find that they're newly afraid of men in general. Sex can be a real problem afterwards.

I think the important thing is just to wait, listen, and be patient, and never to blame. If she doesn't talk about it now, and wants to in a year, that's fine. If she's quiet now and talks about nothing else five years from now, that's also fine. It sounds like she has a strong family, but they may not be comfortable hearing about these things, and she may not have someone she feels safe talking to. And if you feel you're in way over your head, it's totally okay to tell her so and apologize for not being able to be what she needs, but to suggest that she talk again with the DV people, a therapist etc.

Also, go a little easy on yourself. This is a very tough friendship assignment, one of the toughest.

Thank you. That was very helpful. She is pretty open and we have talked about it. She seems to want to ignore it and doesnt seem afraid of men yet, at least not me. She also doesnt seem to be afraid of sexual things or jokes. I think she is a bit more distant and she does have moments when she looks upset but she would randomly burst into tears before this happened too, so its hard to tell. Her family is strong and weak all at once. Her mother is mentally ill and was in the mental hospital when this happened. Her dad is under going a ketimine treatment on his leg before he has it amputated. She takes care of her little sister and mom. And her less immediate family is also not close to the family. But I think when someone is threatened like this they really come through for them. I talked to her some last night and she seems to be laughing an not focusing on it. I am not sure what repercussions it could have yet. I also Dont know about loss of power because in her mind she could get the power back if she wanted to. I think as long as she doesn't see him it will be ok. And as long as she avoids it.
I am not sure how to convince her to really fight against him legally when she really wants to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen? Is that healthy? to ignore it as long as you are still prosecuting?

Well -- it's a very difficult thing. The law is adversarial by nature, and I have never heard of such a thing as an easy rape trial. It's usual for the defense to try to undermine the victim's credibility by painting her as a slut, although I think SC's law makes it clear that this has no place in a rape case (or maybe that's NC's). Judges have certainly been known to be misogynists, and there's no knowing who you'll get. Very often the victim takes a lot of heat for "ruining the young man's life". There are also a lot of women who shy away from prosecuting because they just want it to be over with, and don't want to think about it. The problem with that, of course, is that a rapist goes free, and in the end it's not really "over with" anyway. Some women wind up regretting that they didn't go after the man in court; others don't.

If she has to take care of her little sister and mom, she may feel like she can't afford to concentrate on these things, that she has to just keep moving.

I would find out what the statute of limitations is. If in the end she doesn't want to prosecute, that's her right. I don't doubt she knows her own limits, emotionally and stamina-wise. If she wants to have men in her family take care of it and that's how they do, well, that's her business too. (Seriously, who rapes a girl who totes a gun and comes from a mil family? That **** must be scared for his life.) If a friend I knew had been raped, and decided not to go after the man, I'd be disappointed, but I wouldn't blame her. (I would very much blame a legal system that makes it difficult for a rape victim to seek justice, though.)

See what your lawyer friend says. I suspect that in the end, if a victim wants to prosecute a rape, she really needs to be clear in her own mind that this is what she wants to do, and have the resolve and resources to do it.