family and life in general

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I don't usually write long posts, but I really felt like I needed to express this.

While I've realized since elementary school that I was different (and I was bullied quite a bit consequently), it wasn't until just last year that I found out (for sure) that I'm autistic. It had been suggested by certain people (who knew me well) a few years ago, but I denied it. I had misconceptions of what autism was, having not read up on the subject, and having only (knowingly) met low-functioning people.
Anyway, I came to terms with it. But now I have the problem, I guess, of automatically assuming other people know (based on others generally act towards me). Generally, of the few people I've told, no one was at all surprised; The exception being my father.

A little history. Whenever he's tried talking to me about pretty much anything (current obsessions excepted), he gets really frustrated by my inability to articulate my thoughts or the fact that I often just don't have any thoughts in response to what he's said. Then I get frustrated because I don't know what he expects of me.

So, he was trying to have a discussion with me last week and he asked me a question that made absolutely no sense to me (because it turned out there were several things I was "just supposed to assume" based on the question).
I told him I didn't understand, so he rephrased the question. I told him I still didn't know what he was trying to ask, and this is pretty much how the rest of the conversation went

And then he said he was going to try asking the question one more time, speaking slowly and being as detailed as possible. I was a bit annoyed/offended he felt he had to talk so slow, but I finally understood what he meant, and he basically said "If I have to be that precise for you to understand, then you probably are autistic" (as if I didn't already know ).

He then said if I really am, then I should try applying for disability. I'm hesitant to even try though.


Aside from that, there are three things that really bother me (aside from physical problems):
-I don't want to stay at my current job because of work conditions and low pay, but I'm very doubtful of my ability to get a new job because I do terrible in job interviews.

-All the stuff I have to try to manage in everyday life feels very overwhelming for me, and I always end up neglecting some things to take care of others. I can't even bother to take care of myself very well a lot of the time. I really feel like I wasn't meant for life in a modern, industrial nation.

-When I get frustrated about a seriously consequential misunderstanding in a conversation, I often get upset to the point that I feel like I literally can't speak and I get stuck in a sort of loop of increasing negative emotions. I have to go somewhere to be alone ASAP, and I get very strong urges to seriously injure myself. I try to do less injurious things (like banging my head into my pillow instead of something hard), or sometimes I just lay curled up on the floor staring at the wall and trying ignore the thoughts (doesn't work if they're really strong).


Anyway, thanks if you actually read this, and you could offer any advice I'd appreciate it.