friendship and their partners

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I have a friend and fellow scout leader who is also a friend in real life and a facebook friend too. I don't know her husband as well but I am making an effort to get to know him although I get the feeling he doesn't "get"me like his wife and my friend does. Anyway he has several mutual friends (his wife and 9 others who I know) from our scout group so I thought why not add him on facebook but he clearly didn't accept the friend request. It hurts a little as I kind of feel im making an effort I talk to him say hi try and start up conversations and all even though he wouldn't be my cup of tea so to speak. Its awkward though as I can hardly talk to his wife about it, what would you do? Apart from feeling hurt I also thought it might help me to get to know him a little better considering Suzy and I are friends I wasn't looking to become real life friends with him so to speak but get to know him yeah.

I've found this to be a bit of a fuzzy area in life, myself. It seems to be a common tendency that "couples make friends with couples," but when someone makes a separate, single friend, that friendship tends to just be theirs and not really involve the partner except in a very tenuous way, like literally passing through the kitchen while we girls have our time hanging out, that kind of thing.

I don't think I've ever done an online "friending" of one of my gal-pal's (past or present) husband or boyfriend.

Even though it should be a perfectly ordinary thing if you have spent social time with both of them, it's kind of taboo.

Someone is probably going to slam me for that, complaining that I'm trying to claim that men and women can't just be platonic friends.

But that's NOT what I'm saying. I'm saying that if you are a woman who has a friend who is a married woman, you usually don't form a on-its-own friendship or have contact independently with her husband or boyfriend.

Personally I wouldn't try to add my friend's husband on Facebook or anything else. I would just add my friend.

I only added him as there were 9 others single (women) and married although yes mostly married on his fb all of whom I knew thru scouting as I said he isn't even really the type of person I would want to get to know in ordinary circumstances but given that scouting is a group kind of thing and he comes to group stuff I thought I should. I truly don't think its to do with anything like that (the sexual kinda thing) as I said I only wanted to get to know him better not be best buddies he isn't the type I would want to be. I think more that the men tend imo and my experience to find the AS and stuff harder to understand to get he certainly isn't the first bloke ive found this with. THe women do tend to get it more as they often work in roles that deal with AS or study it or deal with their kids friends or all of the above. I would like to hope it is him not "geting" me rather than outright dislike and I think that probably is the most likely just from the way he interacts with me.

I'm sure he very likely does not outright dislike you; I wouldn't worry about that. It's just that in my experience -- and maybe it's just me, I don't know -- the husband or boyfriend of a female friend of mine usually avoids seeming "friend" like in any way to me.

I mean, he will be polite and use an ordinary friendly manner to me, but kind of avoid seeming too eager to make friends also (to the extent of his wife who is my actual friend). Some men may even do this out of a kind of going out of their way to show that they're not trying to hit on their wife's best friend -- it can be a sensitive area unless the couple are very secure people and don't mistrust each other about that stuff.

I would stick to enjoying the close friendship of the females friends you have and even if their men hang out in the general group, don't really try to get them all as online contacts and friends. I've never really wanted to get to know a female friend's male partner all that much anyway -- again also kind of out of respect for hoping NOT to seem like I'm "interested" interested.

I don't really understand why you feel the need to "get to know him better"....why? You already have the woman as your friend and should stick to getting to know all about her, as your friend.

Someone's going to come here mess with me for saying that, but it's what I've personally experienced and observed and I can only speak from my own experiences. Other people may have a totally different experience in life.

To answer the question why did I want to get to know him (thats all I ever wanted not to be close friends or anything) because as I said he comes to scouting events and things and it is a fairly close knit group in that sense sure if I never saw him different story. Also as I said there were 9 others from trhe group on his page yes most married but one single lady too although she isn't as close to his wife as I am. I truly think the not getting me is by far and away the most likely explanation and one ive sadly dealt with many a time before.