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How Do These People Find Partners?

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Sabreclaw
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25 Mar 2017, 7:19 am

I can no longer blame social anxiety (literally the opposite of the holy grail of relationships, confidence) for being single. R/anxiety proves that many, many people with social anxiety find partners.

I'm totally lost now. I don't understand human beings at all...



BTDT
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25 Mar 2017, 7:54 am

The art of compromise. And the realization that some things will always be out of reach, no matter you logical your arguments.



Sabreclaw
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25 Mar 2017, 8:01 am

BTDT wrote:
The art of compromise. And the realization that some things will always be out of reach, no matter you logical your arguments.


That's awfully vague.



BTDT
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25 Mar 2017, 8:42 am

Most Aspies won't be able to hook up with a moderately attractive 20 to 25 year old woman. Not going to happen.
They have plenty of suitors. They have the experience of dating for years and are often ready for a committed relationship.



Sabreclaw
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25 Mar 2017, 9:52 am

BTDT wrote:
Most Aspies won't be able to hook up with a moderately attractive 20 to 25 year old woman. Not going to happen.
They have plenty of suitors. They have the experience of dating for years and are often ready for a committed relationship.


I'm not interested in hook-ups. I'm talking purely about long-term relationships.



NorthWind
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26 Mar 2017, 4:55 am

Still, social anxiety is bad for ones chances to get a relationship, even if it doesn't make it impossible.

If you slowly get to know someone rather than immediately dating them, anxiety might be less of a problem as it might gradually go away the more comfortable you get with the other person. Maybe for some people with social anxiety online dating sites are also easier (provided that they can get a date at all) because initially it's not face to face interaction.

But generally a guy with social anxiety will have a much harder time successfully, or at all, approaching a woman and a girl with social anxiety might look scared immediately making a guy give up on approaching her because he might think she got the wrong idea about him. She will also have a much harder time initiating but due to gender roles she doesn't depend as much on being able to do that as him.

But yeah, usually it's not exclusively one thing that makes a person successful or unsuccessful in getting a relationship.



Sabreclaw
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26 Mar 2017, 6:03 am

NorthWind wrote:
Still, social anxiety is bad for ones chances to get a relationship, even if it doesn't make it impossible.

If you slowly get to know someone rather than immediately dating them, anxiety might be less of a problem as it might gradually go away the more comfortable you get with the other person. Maybe for some people with social anxiety online dating sites are also easier (provided that they can get a date at all) because initially it's not face to face interaction.

But generally a guy with social anxiety will have a much harder time successfully, or at all, approaching a woman and a girl with social anxiety might look scared immediately making a guy give up on approaching her because he might think she got the wrong idea about him. She will also have a much harder time initiating but due to gender roles she doesn't depend as much on being able to do that as him.

But yeah, usually it's not exclusively one thing that makes a person successful or unsuccessful in getting a relationship.


I suppose I'll never know what's wrong with me then.



NorthWind
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26 Mar 2017, 7:09 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
I suppose I'll never know what's wrong with me then.


I suppose most people don't know exactly what's wrong with them (that is, most people who want a relationship and don't get one if we're just talking about relationships but I think it also applies to a lot of other things people might want and can't have). I could make a very very long list of things that are wrong with me but which of them matter a lot and which don't, I'd not know exactly.
But for me it doesn't matter that much any more.



Sabreclaw
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26 Mar 2017, 7:23 am

NorthWind wrote:
But for me it doesn't matter that much any more.


Because you managed to find a partner? Or because you just gave up and accepted your fate?



BTDT
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26 Mar 2017, 7:30 am

If you are highly sensitive and prone to meltdowns this can make it hard to compromise. The very limited diet of some Aspies can make it hard to compromise on what you do when you eat out. There are "foodies" whose main source of entertainment is trying out new restaurants. Not a good match for an Aspie with limited diet.



Sabreclaw
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26 Mar 2017, 7:34 am

BTDT wrote:
If you are highly sensitive and prone to meltdowns this can make it hard to compromise. The very limited diet of some Aspies can make it hard to compromise on what you do when you eat out. There are "foodies" whose main source of entertainment is trying out new restaurants. Not a good match for an Aspie with limited diet.


And there's plenty of people who aren't really all that into the whole "go out to eat every night" thing. You seem to think of people as stereotypes, not individuals. Are people really that generic that being a little bit different makes you an outcast? That seems too bleak a picture to be true.



NorthWind
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26 Mar 2017, 9:05 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
NorthWind wrote:
But for me it doesn't matter that much any more.


Because you managed to find a partner? Or because you just gave up and accepted your fate?


I didn't manage to find a partner. You could call it giving up, but since it was a very gradual process I don't necessarily think of it that way either. Five years ago my inability to find a partner and to have a normal social life caused me to get depressed and that depression made some more things in my life go more wrong than they would have otherwise. I think I just gradually unlearned to feel lonely and thus the depression also gradually got better. Now, I wouldn't say that I completely don't want a relationship any more but in some ways it feels easier and less stressful to be single.