God I hate smoking!! !

Post Reply New Topic

My boyfriend smokes in the apartment while I'm at work, and he sprays air-freshener to mask the smell but I can still tell. I worry about it because walking into an enclosed space where someone has been smoking makes my throat sore and lately I've been waking up coughing in the night. I look after my lungs, and I do not want to be inhaling second-hand smoke. I have told him this but he doesn't listen. But then what if I'm in the wrong for telling someone to quit smoking indoors when it's their apartment and it's what they've done for years? But then I think of my health and the way the smoke ruins the walls and furniture. Splitting up with him is not an answer, so please don't talk me into that.

Also at work I heard that a colleague smokes in the buses sometimes (I work at a bus depot), and it is technically illegal to smoke on buses these days. I think that is insensitive and selfish, because if he has to abuse his lungs then he should smoke outside away from the buses, no matter how cold it is out. I feel like telling the boss, but I don't want to be a grass, and they'll probably figure it was me because they know I hate smoking. So I feel it's best to keep quiet, but again I do not think he should get away with it. And leaving the job because of this is not an answer, so don't try to talk me into leaving the job I'm finally happy in.

So I can't escape smoking now. It's as though smokers have priority over the health of us sensible non-smokers, in my case.

Then you have your answer: keep happily letting them screw up your lungs.

It is not all black or white. I would approach your boyfriend again and say that you have a very strong preference for him to not smoke indoors and whilst he might have a strong preference for smoking indoors you feel your argument is stronger. Then go back and forth until you can find an acceptable compromise that works for both of you. Perhaps he could smoke by an open window with the fan on. Perhaps he can go outside to smoke on most (or all) occasions. Does he want to be a smoker forever, could he entertain the idea of quitting?

With regard to your work situation you could either speak directly to your colleague. Level with him. Say you have an issue with it but you didn't want to go behind his back and speak to the boss. Lay out your concerns in a nice and polite but firm way. It is not fair on you or the bus customers. If you feel unable to go directly to the source of the problem then speak to your boss but I find it is always better to give someone a shot at adapting their behaviour first before talking "about them" with someone else.

Don't avoid this confrontation it will just build up and make you feel miserable, just face it head on.

Of course she should try both, but she shouldn’t count on any success. Her boyfriend’s home, her boyfriend’s rules, and more or less the same applies to her boss unless her colleague is surprisingly nice and stops smoking on her request.

I actually would expect pretty much anyone to laugh in my face if I asked them to quit smoking in spaces we share for the benefit of my health, and to be shamed as a sissy.

I think of smoking as an honorable sacrifice of one’s lungs for the noble goal of f*****g up everyone else’s lungs, too.

See I disagree. Don't go in with a defeatist attitude. It is a shared home, shared rules. Relationships depend upon give and take. If you accept that living with someone means you are living under their non negotiable preferences and rules you are setting yourself up for all sorts of compromises you might not want to make. Better stand your ground early.

The colleague has the option of listening and responding or things being reported higher up. If there is a policy of non smoking on buses then someone higher up will eventually take it seriously. It would be unfortunate for everyone if he doesn't listen though as it would breed ill will taking things higher up but at that point the OP would have to weigh up the benefits of a smoke free environment versus a friendly attitude between colleagues.

I’ve been told that all my life, and never knew what it means in any practical sense.



It’s not a matter of what you accept. From other posts, I understood her boyfriend either owns the place or is the one renting it. In such a situation, you have no ground to stand—any accommodation the other person makes for you is entirely a favor they have no obligation to do. If you don’t like the rules, you need to go.

I learned this the hard way by staying with my parents a lot of shameful years as an adult completely ignorant of and unprepared to make it in the outside world.



I wouldn’t be so sure. Sometimes the one who breaks the rules knows very well what they’re doing. It’s a way to conspicuously show you can afford it, letting others challenge you at their own peril.



And the chance that they decide it’s less trouble to get rid of her instead.

You could be right about all of this and I would never ever want to encourage anyone to do anything that would compromise things that were important to them. The most important thing to you (OP) is clearly keeping the boyfriend and the job. Perhaps indeed it will be the case that living with smoking is the only way to do that. But it is always worth trying to get it all.

So I can't figure out how to do quotes. And I'm too tired. Sorry.

Don't have a Defeatist attitude in a practical sense:
You have opinions and preferences others have opinions and preferences. There is nothing at the outset that defines that one is wrong and one isn't. In the interaction you have every chance to persuade the other party that your side is right or in the interaction you might find that there is quite a lot that can be learnt from the other person's perspective. It is organic and evolving and there is no need to play winner and a looser. There is only gain.

Shared homes, their rules:
I read this in other posts of yours and it always makes me feel really sad. I don't know the details. I moved out at 15, maybe because I didn't get the rules. When I read about your family situation it makes me at once feel like I am glad I got out but also that I wasn't loved or cared for enough to be contained despite my vile protesting behaviour. I feel like I grew up with no boundaries.

It is hard for me to imagine you ignorant or unprepared.

Either way, and perhaps I am wrong but I don't think so, a home shouldn't be a place where people push their ways and opinions on others. It should be one of the first places where people learn democratic negotiation, compromise and how to handle discord and disagreement in responsible ways as active agents.

Rule breakers:
Sure people might break rules to highlight power hierarchies and flaunt their untouchable status in a social hierarchy. But they might also do it for many many other reasons. Mostly probably cause they are lazy and like sitting in their bus smoking. I have challenged rule breakers, in many different ways, and when done with an air of innocence with regard to potential malicious intent it has pretty much always been successful.

Unfair dismissal:
Maybe I am too naive. Surely someone would not be dismissed for pointing out a job no smoking policy?

And please, please can someone tell me how to do quotes that break up text?

They will not fire me for pointing out someone smoking in a bus. Every bus I've ever been on has notices up saying "no smoking", and it doesn't just apply to passengers, it applies to anybody. There are designated smoking areas at work, which makes it fair for both parties. And the man who smoked in the bus does have a "I can't be bothered" attitude. He is an insensitive man anyway; he hates animals and has carelessly stood there talking graphically about animal torture and thinking it's funny.

As for my boyfriend, his apartment is rented and it even says on the door of the building "no smoking in this building". I hate him smoking altogether because I worry about lung cancer or COPD, but I do wish he'd stick to smoking outside. And no, he is stubborn out not trying e-cigs. I keep hearing articles of e-cigs being dangerous too.

My boyfriend, now husband, smoked 30 cigarettes a day in his mid 20s. The way he quit was he really wanted an antique japanese samurai sword - we were living in Japan at the time - and it cost a small fortune. He calculated how much smoking would cost him over a number of years and it was an easy numerical equation which was cheaper in the long run! He went with the sword. The deal was if I ever saw him smoking again I would get the sword to do what I want with. Just be on the look out, if health reasons won't persuade him to stop smoking, maybe something else will come along that will.

I hate smokers too. I hate it when they do it around me. It makes my eyes sting. These selfish jerks have no regard for the people around them. If they want to kill themselves with smoke that's their business but they shouldn't do it other people.

Another reason I hate smoking is the nature of addiction. Addicts are not in control. Addiction obliterates their free will. Even the ones who want to quit can't. The thought of losing my free will terrifies me, that's why I won't touch tobacco.

A couple of years ago I dated this girl who smoked. She knew I hated it but she smoked right in my car! She just didn't care about my wellbeing.

She was bad in other ways too. She turned out to be extremely selfish. In my experience any partner or love interest who cares so little about your wellbeing that they make you breath tobacco fumes is probably going to be selfish in other ways.

An air filter reduces the amount of bad stuff in your air, and it might be an intermediate solution or compromise you can both live with. It could also help with your coughing. Good luck with this vexing situation.

If smoking is really forbidden in the building you live in then shouldn't you just tell about your boyfriend's smoking to someone? He might get mad, yes, but in the end he'd be the one at fault for breaking a rule that is there for good reasons and that makes perfect sense. He's breaking the rules, but you're also doing the wrong thing by keeping quiet about it. Same thing at work; it's your resposibility to do something about it when you see others breaking rules, otherwise you're also harming the community by keeping quiet about it.

And yeah, I get it that following these rules will probably make certain types of people mad, but are these really people that are worth of staying in good terms with in the first place?

If he is the one renting, he may get in trouble for smoking, but can also retaliate by kicking her out.

True, but I think she should take the risk. If he kicks her out for something like that then his feelings for her can't have been that deep... but well, she should probably talk about the rules with her boyfriend first. Bring up the fact that it's not just that she wants him to stop but also that those who own the place he's renting would probably demand it if they found out.

Well, the landlords have been in the apartment before to mend something, and they didn't seem to care that he smokes inside. You can't really hide it because everywhere has a stale cigarette smell and you can also tell by looking at the walls and the ceiling. But they never said anything. I wish they did.

I agree 100%. I don't know why some humans feel the need to have to have a disgusting addiction like that to take over their mind. All it takes to give up smoking is willpower and self-esteem.
I know a person who smokes because he thinks he's stressed at work. But from years of heavy smoking, he has developed a smoker's cough that's so bad that it keeps him awake at night because he's laying down. This leads to sleepless nights and lack of concentration at work, causing him more stress, so he smokes to "relieve" the stress...it's just a vicious circle. "It's not the cigarettes!" he protests between wheezy coughs and splutters.

If you don't laugh you'll cry.

I think telling him to quit is showing that you love him tbh. You can't force him but some honesty would be nice and better for him.

You should ask him to get a ventilation system or something

Personally I'm surprised you can stand being with him.