DAE have issues due to severe trauma in their past

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I have been formally diagnosed with PTSD (unofficially CPTSD) along with everything else that has me on this website to begin with. I struggle so much because of trauma related issues.

I am always at my darkest when I am alone. My thoughts go dark and then my ocd picks up the pieces and plays the most graphic images on loop. It’s debilitating and exhausting.

I’ve been trying to solve this problem on my own but it’s not working. I was considering maybe working three jobs so that I would never have a free moment to ruminate on the darkness. But this isn’t very realistic because I can barely hold down one job.

The moment I am alone my sanity fragments into several pieces. I see myself from outside my body. I feel this pain, this angst, an anxiety so intense. It’s a heaviness that sits in my stomach. It feels like the night before your first day of school and when you lose your stomach on a roller coaster all at the same time. My immediate response is to run away from this feeling. It is so incredibly uncomfortable.

I hate being alone. I hate not having another soul to talk to. But mostly, I hate being this dependent on other people for my own mental health.

This happens every night. Why. What makes the ideation go away. What stops the hamster from spinning. What quiets the chaos.

How do I heal a brain this broken.

We are here on this site to talk to. You are not alone. If you want prayer PM me.

Anxiety... yes. The feeling like your first day in school. I had that feeling nearly every morning I went to school, and nearly every day I went to work in all the jobs I have done. I did not know it was called anxiety until recently but yes, I knew it.

Sorry to hear it's so rough for you. There are many of us here with PTSD and Complex Trauma. You aren't alone.

May I ask if you're receiving professional support? Do you have an advocate or a psychologist you can speak with, even occasionally? I've been in active CPTSD therapy almost 12 years. Some days are better than others. The entire 2020 was a write-off for me. I'm learning to ride the waves.

CPTSD involves a constant battle of forgiving yourself from guilt / shame, learning to deal with emotional triggers, and caring for the parts of your self-image which are broken.

Journalling can help when you feel vulnerable, if there's no one to speak to personally.

It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Yes, I just started therapy again. I see her weekly. She is trauma informed and she knows about ASD, so double bonus!

It makes me feel better that you’ve been in therapy for 12 years bc I do feel like this will be a lifelong battle. I mean, I hope it gets better, but i don’t see it just magically going away.

And yes! I do have so much shame and guilt, unfortunately. I just talked about that on Wednesday at my last session.

Yes, I have another platform where I do more of journal type posts. They are very raw and dark. But it helps to get the darkness out so it doesn’t eat you alive like an infection feasting on rotting flesh.

Have you ever heard of the therapy modality, internal family systems?

I’m about to unofficially start DBT with my therapist. I like the basic concept of IFS though too.

She also likes to use ACT - acceptance and commitment therapy.

I think evidence based therapies for trauma are so interesting.

I’ve also researched that DBT is useful for ASD alone without trauma.

Wow, this was a bunch of rambling.

I'm glad you have a therapist. That relationship is fundamental to effective treatment. Unfortunately yes, CPTSD changes the brain and often becomes a lifelong condition, but that's not to say improvements can't be made.

RO DBT is often recommended for autistic people. Personally I've responded best to person-centred therapy in the last five years but I started with evidence-based talk therapy, from a very trusted expert in the field.

I encourage you to keep writing those dark posts to get the anger out of your system, if you find it helpful.

It's a long road to self-compassion, but our dignity is worth it.

Hang tough, Immensity.

Awhh thanks! You too!! !!