I feel like I should be more independent

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Crystal1414
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11 Aug 2021, 6:28 pm

Im not as independent as I want to be but I am unsure how to become more independent. My siblings are more independent than me. They know how to do more things. I do not even know how to use a can opener even though I have been taught so many times. I get laughed at for that. I can barely tie my own shoes. I have a hard time ordering at restaurants. Going grocery shopping is overwhelming for me to the point I just do not go when my parents go. Its hard though because I like going for drives with them. I have been told that I will have to do it if I want to live independently though. I feel like living independently is hard. I want to live independently but I just get reminded every day that I probably cannot do that. I think I know what I need to do though. I need to learn how to cook even though Im not allowed in the kitchen without supervision. I need to get a job even though the idea of a job interview terrifies me. I have to get used to going out alone even though Im not allowed to. I will have to convince my parents that I can manage it. I have started taking my medication again. I also have to start talking to the doctor without my parents being there. It all seems really overwhelming. Most people in my life do not expect me to live independently (my parents, support workers, other relatives, and teachers). I feel like they are condescending sometimes.



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11 Aug 2021, 6:46 pm

It's a lot to master, but every little bit you can manage helps.

Even little things can help towards those goal, like if your folks don't trust you with the stove they probably would still trust you with the kettle or the microwave, so if the goal was to get you preparing a meal for yourself something like Kraft Dinner or ramen might be an intermediate step before trying something riskier.



I'd like to live independently at some point, even if it required some support it would feel like maturing compared to living with my parents still. :oops:


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12 Aug 2021, 6:05 am

I would personally try and get adjusted to all that without beady eyes watching you. Go to the store at a very quiet time of the day and just buy a cheap can opener and have a go with it. Ideally a small shop would be best too.

The doctor and job interview is a little more tricky but I would try and spend more time alone if you can. Once you feel happier being alone then a doctor and job interview might be a little easier to swallow.

What funeral said too was good. Noodles and a microwave are amazing. I would love off them if I could.



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12 Aug 2021, 6:25 am

Crystal1414 wrote:
I want to live independently but I just get reminded every day that I probably cannot do that. I think I know what I need to do though. I need to learn how to cook even though Im not allowed in the kitchen without supervision. I need to get a job even though the idea of a job interview terrifies me. I have to get used to going out alone even though Im not allowed to. I will have to convince my parents that I can manage it. I have started taking my medication again. I also have to start talking to the doctor without my parents being there. It all seems really overwhelming. Most people in my life do not expect me to live independently (my parents, support workers, other relatives, and teachers). I feel like they are condescending sometimes.


The fact that you can imagine yourself living independently is the first step. Don't be terrified of other people, they might pretend and appear confident, but they are just as scared of the world as you are.

Once you are in a positive frame of mind, don't fear consequences then you can start taking risks. Learn to subdue panic, you have your parents, other forms of support, these are your insurance policy.



shortfatbalduglyman
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12 Aug 2021, 9:00 am

Velcro shoes

Instacart

Telecommute



Fireblossom
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12 Aug 2021, 10:07 am

Crystal1414 wrote:
Im not as independent as I want to be but I am unsure how to become more independent. My siblings are more independent than me. They know how to do more things. I do not even know how to use a can opener even though I have been taught so many times. I get laughed at for that. I can barely tie my own shoes. I have a hard time ordering at restaurants. Going grocery shopping is overwhelming for me to the point I just do not go when my parents go. Its hard though because I like going for drives with them. I have been told that I will have to do it if I want to live independently though. I feel like living independently is hard. I want to live independently but I just get reminded every day that I probably cannot do that. I think I know what I need to do though. I need to learn how to cook even though Im not allowed in the kitchen without supervision. I need to get a job even though the idea of a job interview terrifies me. I have to get used to going out alone even though Im not allowed to. I will have to convince my parents that I can manage it. I have started taking my medication again. I also have to start talking to the doctor without my parents being there. It all seems really overwhelming. Most people in my life do not expect me to live independently (my parents, support workers, other relatives, and teachers). I feel like they are condescending sometimes.


Sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you, but having motivation and faith in yourself that you can do it is the first step! How old are you? Lots of people on the spectrum learn lots of things at a later age than average, so you don't need to feel too bad about it.

Is the problem with a can opener that you always forget what you need to do or that you remember how to do it in theory, but for some reason just can't do it? Personally, I struggled with the later since I'm clumsy. Maybe that's your problem, too? It would also explain why you have trouble tying your shoes. I used to have trouble with that, too, so for years I only used shoes that didn't need to be tied.

I also have a hard time ordering at restaurants, though the ones I'm familiar enough with I can do without stressing about it beforehand. I don't remember how old I was, but I still clearly remember the time I ordered my own hamburger meal at a hamburger place for the first time on my own. Still a little embarrassed by the whole thing, but I did get my food.

As for grocery shopping, one thing you could eventually do is order them online. You can have them delivered to your door or, in some places, it's possible to order the stuff ready online and go pick it up from the store's parking lot. This way you wouldn't have to loiter around in a store. It would be good to get used to stores too though. Maybe you could start by going to small ones when there shouldn't be too many customers?

Could you ask whoever is supervising while you cook to not interrupt unless you're about to make some dangerous mistake? Or maybe you could get to some cooking classes? Learning to cook was hard for me too, and since my mom was hovering over my shoulder and making me nervous every time I tried to learn back when I still lived with her, I only really learned anything when I no longer lived with her. By the time I moved out of my childhood home, I only knew how to prepare a few very simple meals.

I've been to quite a few job interviews, yet they still scare me (will probably scare me a lot the next time I go; I've had a job for a few years now, so I'm out of practice.) Some people just are like that; we get a stage fever or something. If you can eventually do it, it's okay to still be nervous. In fact, I think that more people than not are nervous on their first few job interviews.

If you tell your doctor that you'd like to speak to him/her one on one, the doctor will most likely agree. If there are some things that need to be dealt with together with the doctor that you can't manage on your own yet, you could ask your parents to be there before or after you and the doctor have talked one on one.

Becoming independent can be a hard process, especially for us on the spectrum, but it is possible for many of us. Just do your best and don't hesitate to come here to ask for advice if you need it. We'll all help in any way we can!



Nades
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12 Aug 2021, 11:42 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Crystal1414 wrote:
Im not as independent as I want to be but I am unsure how to become more independent. My siblings are more independent than me. They know how to do more things. I do not even know how to use a can opener even though I have been taught so many times. I get laughed at for that. I can barely tie my own shoes. I have a hard time ordering at restaurants. Going grocery shopping is overwhelming for me to the point I just do not go when my parents go. Its hard though because I like going for drives with them. I have been told that I will have to do it if I want to live independently though. I feel like living independently is hard. I want to live independently but I just get reminded every day that I probably cannot do that. I think I know what I need to do though. I need to learn how to cook even though Im not allowed in the kitchen without supervision. I need to get a job even though the idea of a job interview terrifies me. I have to get used to going out alone even though Im not allowed to. I will have to convince my parents that I can manage it. I have started taking my medication again. I also have to start talking to the doctor without my parents being there. It all seems really overwhelming. Most people in my life do not expect me to live independently (my parents, support workers, other relatives, and teachers). I feel like they are condescending sometimes.


Sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you, but having motivation and faith in yourself that you can do it is the first step! How old are you? Lots of people on the spectrum learn lots of things at a later age than average, so you don't need to feel too bad about it.

Is the problem with a can opener that you always forget what you need to do or that you remember how to do it in theory, but for some reason just can't do it? Personally, I struggled with the later since I'm clumsy. Maybe that's your problem, too? It would also explain why you have trouble tying your shoes. I used to have trouble with that, too, so for years I only used shoes that didn't need to be tied.

I also have a hard time ordering at restaurants, though the ones I'm familiar enough with I can do without stressing about it beforehand. I don't remember how old I was, but I still clearly remember the time I ordered my own hamburger meal at a hamburger place for the first time on my own. Still a little embarrassed by the whole thing, but I did get my food.

As for grocery shopping, one thing you could eventually do is order them online. You can have them delivered to your door or, in some places, it's possible to order the stuff ready online and go pick it up from the store's parking lot. This way you wouldn't have to loiter around in a store. It would be good to get used to stores too though. Maybe you could start by going to small ones when there shouldn't be too many customers?

Could you ask whoever is supervising while you cook to not interrupt unless you're about to make some dangerous mistake? Or maybe you could get to some cooking classes? Learning to cook was hard for me too, and since my mom was hovering over my shoulder and making me nervous every time I tried to learn back when I still lived with her, I only really learned anything when I no longer lived with her. By the time I moved out of my childhood home, I only knew how to prepare a few very simple meals.

I've been to quite a few job interviews, yet they still scare me (will probably scare me a lot the next time I go; I've had a job for a few years now, so I'm out of practice.) Some people just are like that; we get a stage fever or something. If you can eventually do it, it's okay to still be nervous. In fact, I think that more people than not are nervous on their first few job interviews.

If you tell your doctor that you'd like to speak to him/her one on one, the doctor will most likely agree. If there are some things that need to be dealt with together with the doctor that you can't manage on your own yet, you could ask your parents to be there before or after you and the doctor have talked one on one.

Becoming independent can be a hard process, especially for us on the spectrum, but it is possible for many of us. Just do your best and don't hesitate to come here to ask for advice if you need it. We'll all help in any way we can!



Yeah I hate people watching me too and I'm sure most people with AS are the same. I would especially hate it if someone was watching me cook.

I found just doing stuff alone, anything for that matter helped a lot and I started doing stuff alone just by going out for walks. Getting used to my own company made going into places on my own feel normal. First shops I went into were small corner shops along my usual route. Being stuck with parents all day long will drive me utterly potty now. When "Say yes to the dress" comes on the TV I take it as my sign to put some miles on the car...preferably over 10 to ensure my mothers binge watching is over when I get back.

It's weird to think that I could never leave the house on my own or order food at one point too. Everything I used to eat at a restaurant was exactly what my sister had.



Crystal1414
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13 Aug 2021, 3:56 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
Crystal1414 wrote:
Im not as independent as I want to be but I am unsure how to become more independent. My siblings are more independent than me. They know how to do more things. I do not even know how to use a can opener even though I have been taught so many times. I get laughed at for that. I can barely tie my own shoes. I have a hard time ordering at restaurants. Going grocery shopping is overwhelming for me to the point I just do not go when my parents go. Its hard though because I like going for drives with them. I have been told that I will have to do it if I want to live independently though. I feel like living independently is hard. I want to live independently but I just get reminded every day that I probably cannot do that. I think I know what I need to do though. I need to learn how to cook even though Im not allowed in the kitchen without supervision. I need to get a job even though the idea of a job interview terrifies me. I have to get used to going out alone even though Im not allowed to. I will have to convince my parents that I can manage it. I have started taking my medication again. I also have to start talking to the doctor without my parents being there. It all seems really overwhelming. Most people in my life do not expect me to live independently (my parents, support workers, other relatives, and teachers). I feel like they are condescending sometimes.


Sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you, but having motivation and faith in yourself that you can do it is the first step! How old are you? Lots of people on the spectrum learn lots of things at a later age than average, so you don't need to feel too bad about it.

Is the problem with a can opener that you always forget what you need to do or that you remember how to do it in theory, but for some reason just can't do it? Personally, I struggled with the later since I'm clumsy. Maybe that's your problem, too? It would also explain why you have trouble tying your shoes. I used to have trouble with that, too, so for years I only used shoes that didn't need to be tied.

I also have a hard time ordering at restaurants, though the ones I'm familiar enough with I can do without stressing about it beforehand. I don't remember how old I was, but I still clearly remember the time I ordered my own hamburger meal at a hamburger place for the first time on my own. Still a little embarrassed by the whole thing, but I did get my food.

As for grocery shopping, one thing you could eventually do is order them online. You can have them delivered to your door or, in some places, it's possible to order the stuff ready online and go pick it up from the store's parking lot. This way you wouldn't have to loiter around in a store. It would be good to get used to stores too though. Maybe you could start by going to small ones when there shouldn't be too many customers?

Could you ask whoever is supervising while you cook to not interrupt unless you're about to make some dangerous mistake? Or maybe you could get to some cooking classes? Learning to cook was hard for me too, and since my mom was hovering over my shoulder and making me nervous every time I tried to learn back when I still lived with her, I only really learned anything when I no longer lived with her. By the time I moved out of my childhood home, I only knew how to prepare a few very simple meals.

I've been to quite a few job interviews, yet they still scare me (will probably scare me a lot the next time I go; I've had a job for a few years now, so I'm out of practice.) Some people just are like that; we get a stage fever or something. If you can eventually do it, it's okay to still be nervous. In fact, I think that more people than not are nervous on their first few job interviews.

If you tell your doctor that you'd like to speak to him/her one on one, the doctor will most likely agree. If there are some things that need to be dealt with together with the doctor that you can't manage on your own yet, you could ask your parents to be there before or after you and the doctor have talked one on one.

Becoming independent can be a hard process, especially for us on the spectrum, but it is possible for many of us. Just do your best and don't hesitate to come here to ask for advice if you need it. We'll all help in any way we can!


Im 20. Yeah I learned how to do a lot of things later than most people. I started talking late as well.

I always forget how to use the can opener for some reason. I feel like I should remember. I wear slip on shoes a lot and I sometimes wear converse. I honestly have a hard time wearing shoes sometimes, as I would rather go barefoot.

I can order at some restaurants but some restaurants such as Subway where I have to know what I want on my sandwich are hard for me to order at. Most of the time other people order for me. I have processing issues and restaurants feel a bit overstimulating sometimes.

I think I would want to order my groceries online because I get sensory overload from stores. If I get my driver's license I could pick it up one day. I have gone grocery shopping before and it always feels really overwhelming. I like the small grocery store near my house though.

Unfortunately when I am in the kitchen, it seems like I am always going to make a dangerous mistake according to people who supervise me. Im not great at using a knife, but I am getting better. I do not make very complicated things though. I like to make tea, coffee, ramen, frozen pizza, and cookies. Im getting better at putting things in the oven . I still need help taking things out of it though.

I have never had an official job. I have done mock interviews though. I always fidget during them. However I have been told I do a good job. I just do not know if I could manage a job because I struggle with social stuff and communication. Im not sure if Im supposed to disclose that Im Autistic. I feel like it could help people understand why I act differently. I dont think I would ever disclose that I have a mental illness though.

My parents usually sit in on my appointments when I have something wrong with me, such as a broken bone, or any kind of pain. I have a hard time communicating how I feel. I get misunderstood a lot. I go to my psychiatrist appointments alone and then my psychiatrist talks to my parents. I also go to checkups alone.

Thank you for being encouraging. Some days I feel like it will be impossible to be independent. Im working on it though.



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14 Aug 2021, 6:20 am

Crystal1414 wrote:
I can order at some restaurants but some restaurants such as Subway where I have to know what I want on my sandwich are hard for me to order at. Most of the time other people order for me. I have processing issues and restaurants feel a bit overstimulating sometimes.


For places like subway, you could check online before hand what you want and then write a list that you'll follow when you order. Like this:
- Bread option
- Filling
- Cheese
- Oven, yes or no
- Vegetables
- Sauce
- Spices
And then put whatever kid of bread, filling etc. you want behind those words. This is the order it's done with in here, at least. If you also want a drink, pick one at this point. And when they ask do you eat here or take the food along, answer that. And then you pay and can go to a table/leave.

Quote:
I think I would want to order my groceries online because I get sensory overload from stores. If I get my driver's license I could pick it up one day. I have gone grocery shopping before and it always feels really overwhelming. I like the small grocery store near my house though.


Lots of people on the spectrum have one or two particular grocery stores that they prefer 'cause they're used to it. I'm no different; I find it a lot easier to go to two specific stores near my place than to any other ones, even if they belong to the same store chain.

Quote:
Unfortunately when I am in the kitchen, it seems like I am always going to make a dangerous mistake according to people who supervise me. Im not great at using a knife, but I am getting better. I do not make very complicated things though. I like to make tea, coffee, ramen, frozen pizza, and cookies. Im getting better at putting things in the oven . I still need help taking things out of it though.


Oh yeah, I used to be really nervous about taking stuff out of a hot oven, too. I got little burns quite a few times, too, and still sometimes do. It takes a little practice.

Quote:
I have never had an official job. I have done mock interviews though. I always fidget during them. However I have been told I do a good job. I just do not know if I could manage a job because I struggle with social stuff and communication. Im not sure if Im supposed to disclose that Im Autistic. I feel like it could help people understand why I act differently. I dont think I would ever disclose that I have a mental illness though.


Neither had I at your age, unfortunately. Just some unpaid internships.
I think it depends on what kind of job you'd do; something that doesn't require talking to people much might be the best to start with. There might also be some kind of services that help those with disabilities to get jobs that suit them in your area, so once you feel like you might be able to handle working, look in to that.

Quote:
My parents usually sit in on my appointments when I have something wrong with me, such as a broken bone, or any kind of pain. I have a hard time communicating how I feel. I get misunderstood a lot.


I know this feeling too. I can handle things like regular check ups at a dentist, going to a doctor for a cold or something else normal as well as getting my vaccines and whatever tests I need alone, but if I need to talk with the doctor about something complicated, I too usually have my mom with me.
...Though I shouldn't have trusted in my ability to handle a dentist; a bit over a year ago, I allowed them to remove a tooth they were sure was dead anyway. The pain continued after that though, and after some tests about half a year later it was found out that it was actually nerve damage, not a damaged tooth, one that I lost for nothing. I should've demanded to have myself tested for nerve damage before allowing them to remove the tooth, but oops.

Quote:
Thank you for being encouraging. Some days I feel like it will be impossible to be independent. Im working on it though.


Not a problem. Good luck.



AnonymousAnonymous
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20 Aug 2021, 6:08 pm

Have you considered applying for supportive housing?

If not, where are you in Canada?


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Crystal1414
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20 Aug 2021, 6:23 pm

AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
Have you considered applying for supportive housing?

If not, where are you in Canada?


I have considered applying for supportive housing. My parents want to help with that



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20 Aug 2021, 6:32 pm

Crystal1414 wrote:
AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
Have you considered applying for supportive housing?

If not, where are you in Canada?


I have considered applying for supportive housing. My parents want to help with that


That's good, but are there any supportive housing firms where you are in Canada?


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20 Aug 2021, 6:59 pm

Not everyone has the same potential

If you are trying hard or doing your best that is all you can do


"Should", "can", and "will" are all three different things



cyberdad
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20 Aug 2021, 9:02 pm

Patience is a virtue when living independently,

When I was in my early 20s I was nowhere near as mature as a lot of WP members here but I did experiment with renting and then coming back to live with my parents in phases.

There's no social pressure to "have to" or that you "should" live independently. In my case my parents were eager to push me out of the nest as I was spending a lot of time late at night at friend's houses killing brain cells with alcohol.



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20 Aug 2021, 10:37 pm

I don't have a ton of advice for your specific situation but a couple of things I thought of are.

You can get an electric can opener that will open the can for you. Also, if you have trouble tying your shoes you could look into getting some velcro shoes or some with a zipper then you don't have to worry about it.


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